Hello everyone, My Story: Me 34 W 33 (still have trouble saying/typing X) s2 s4 I have decided this is the forum to post in, I started in Newcomers then moved to surviving, now this seems to be the place for me. Wife came back from a business trip to Florida in July and dropped the bomb. Divorce was final 2 days after xmas. Wife never budged an inch about the divorce, she was more than fair, she didnt want anything, only the divorce. I have probably had the fastest, easiest, most painless divorce ever. Well the legal side anyway, the emotional side is another story. Reason's for the Divorce are many to list a few, verbal abuse, taking her for granted, not appreciating her, not showing passsion for her, not being aggessive enough in my career (I have no ambition), not being socially active enough. The good news is I took a good hard look at my life and really didn't like what I had become. So, I made some changes in my life, I decided to stop those bad behaviors (or at least control them). I have done really good, I am proud of myself, confident in my abilities and generally a happy person. W sees changes, but insists its over. I will give her one thing, see never back peddled or sent me mixed signals. I remain faithfull, dont want to date others and am still in love with her. She knows it and I think she sees it as a burden. She actually wants me to start dating. I continue to focus on myself and our boys. I try to be there for her. She will close on a house in 2 weeks. She has a somewhat serious boyfriend (whom she works with). Basically I focus on my 2 boys which I keep 90% of the time. I also focus on myself, I GAL every chance I get. A couple questions about an upcoming event: We have not divided up the household items yet. As she will be moving I would like you to weigh in on the does, donts and any general rules to follow. How the heck do I keep from breaking down? At this point I'm ready to let her have anything she wants, even move her myself. Not because I want to be rid of her, but because I still want to help her out. Advice is appreciated. Hope
Always have a meeting prior to her taking stuff and jointly agree on what she is having and what you are having. Me and H didn't do this and he was threatening to take everything until a male friend of mine threatened him.
Write a list with her about what's hers and yours, compile it together, then you will avoid this problem.
I wouldn't advise being in the house when she moves the stuff as this was the worst moment of my life. Of all the bad memories I have, that was the most God-awful one, so keep away for your sanity unless you think you can be really strong about it, or have a friend with you to help you both with the move.
You will cry, no doubt about it, but try not to do it while she's there, as it will mess up the DB'ing.
It's normal to cry in this situation, so by all means, cry when you are on your own. Pent up emotion only makes it worse. But don't do what I did and get depression; just keep on focusing on your children as they are the reason for your union with your W. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are lucky to have them so much. Keep on telling yourself how great they are and they will get you through.
As far as your R with your wife goes, it's far too early to say how it will go, you've only been apart a few months. DB'ing (especially after D) is a very long process.
Just take one step at a time. I'm here if you want to talk, just remember our time zones are different so you may not get an instant reply.
I know W wouldn't take advantage of me. I agree that we should both agree on what stays and what goes. We will probably go through room by room and box as we go. So, yes I will be there on moving day, I will most likely move her. It will be tough, but I can handle it. I try to concentrate on the fact that they are just material things, and do not compare to the relationship lost, so it shouldn't be as traumatic. Of course I'm glutten for punishment. I have seen her for the last two nights, its gone pretty well. We have casual conversation, sometimes the conversation gets a personel, but no aurguing. Tonight we will go out to eat. Of course this is all with the boys, otherwise she wouldnt spend the time with me. I am glad that she is able to spend time with me/us. I just hope it does not completely stop once she gets her house. I know I just need to go slow, continue to work on me, be with my boys and not get my hopes up. Thanks for keeping me in check. If you've read 5 laugauges you'll understand my question here... I believe my wife's primary language to be physical touch, secondary is words of affirmation. I know I cannot express love with acts of physical touch (tried it, she recoils), however I have noticed her touch my are in passing to get my attention. Since we have known each other I have expressed my love to her in my language "acts of service". I continue to express love as acts of service. Over the last couple of weeks I have tried to express love using words of affirmation, anything from, "you look good in that color" "your hair looks good that way" to "I think you'll do great in your new job, you are so good at helping people and I can tell you get alot of satisifaction out of helping people". I try not to overwehlm her. I attempt to say something affirming to her each face to face. I also dont say things just to say them, its very difficult to compliment someone when you are/were a more critical/judgemental person, but I try and am getting better at it. While she does not seem to mind the compliments, I think she believes that I'm only saying these things to get her back, as it was not the way I talked to her before. My question.... do I stop? I hate to stop because its the one way that I feel I can really still give to her in a way that she missed so much. Hope
Hope, I wouldn't stop now...that is likely to prove to her it was a temporary 180 and all your changes are likely to short-term. I would certainly keep them up if you didn't get a negative response. You will continue to have contact with her because of the children...at least that is what I would expect. This will give you repeated and regular opportunities to demonstrate your changes. At least you have some contact with her...I have only the ocassional email when it is necessary.
Definitely do NOT stop complimenting her, even if this doesn't work out, carry on. (I think you have a good chance of working out).
You have to make DB'ing a way of life rather than just aimed at getting your W back - it is when it is automatic that it becomes part of who you are, rather than a process.
When I first started DB'ing, the responses I was making to my H seemed so out of character for me that it felt like acting. But as my coach pointed out to me, all new skills need learning, even communication skills.
Eventually, I got into such a pattern of responding to my H in this new positive way that it stopped feeling like acting and became second nature. It is now like part of my personality, so you must keep doing it, keep practicing and eventually it will be like part of yours.
Of course I have the odd slip up and so might you, but we are all human and entitled to bad moments.
You're doing great, the fact that she touches you to attract your attention is good. Just focus on the positives and you'll get there.
You have my admiration for being so strong about the house move - they were wiping me off the ceiling.
Thanks Jo, Your 100% right about it feeling like an act, I just hope it starts to be second nature soon. I know it just takes work and patients. Yesterday she emailed about the settlement check. I owe her some money from the divorce. It really isnt a big deal, I have the money and fully intended to give it to her. In fact I thought of writting the check the day before she mentioned it. I kinda wanted to give it to her, and show that I could do things for her, like letting go of a large sum of money that took me awhile to accumulate, without making a fuss. I guess I messed that up. Then I started thinking, she's been buttering me up over the last couple of days so she could get the money. Thats all she wants is her life, thats all she cares about. I know this is a destructive process, then comes the thoughts of her and her new boyfriend and the thoughts of how it was when we were together, is she being like this with him.. I ask myself. Again I know this is destructive, but sometimes I'm unable to stop going down this path. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement, direction and support. Sometimes it truely seems hopeless, but then I reread some posts, spend some time with my boys, or just try to remember that everyone is trying to do the best they can (even her). Hope.
Every time you think negative thoughts like that, just get a check on yourself. Think to yourself, is this thought going to further my emotional development or get me my W and if the answer is no and those thoughts are destructive, then you need to get a handle on them.
Visualise a STOP sign every time you have negative thoughts about your W or your situation. I found this to be a really effective tool. They won't serve you at all apart from to upset you.
Even imagine something funny instead. When I was in the witness box and scared out of my brains, I imagined my H sitting on the toilet with his pants round his ankles and this image stopped me breaking down in the court room.
You own your mind. Train it to do what you want. You are only unhappy if that is what you choose to be.
I know you're upset and hurting, but just give her that money, don't think anything. Give her what she needs and try not to think about the bf. Turns out my H just imagined he was ML with me every time he went with her (which was not a lot, so she said) - you really don't know what is going on with bf or with your W's head, so don't try to know.
Only she can know that and you will kill yourself wondering over it.
You are a wonderful person with or without your W, and soon (hopefully not too late for her) she will figure that out.
Hey Ioavva, Do you ever sleep? It's got to be near midnight and you were posting at 2 AM this morning. In the words of the famous Jackie Gleason of Honeymooner fame "Baby, you're the greatest!"
I'm on a different time 2one to you and at the moment here it's 18 minutes past midnight. My usual bedtime is between 1 and 2am normally, but I don't get up till about 9.30am - I work from home and have 2 yr old dd, so I please myself my hours, and it's been quiet lately.
Because of dd, most of my posts are in the evening or when I'm eating my cornflakes, lol.
I am a writer by trade so love writing (you've proabably guessed) and since H isn't here over-night I don't get very much entertainment
No doubt I'll be on here less when we get a house together (I say when, not if, because I'm gonna make it happen).
Right now, though, I want to help others as I know the hell that everyone is going through.
Ioavva, For some ungodly reason I slept through the night. I’m just cooling my heals waiting for what was to be a 6 AM conference call with Amsterdam. Ioavva shot me an email this morning and suggested W’s emotions will heighten approaching divorce and since there is emotion there is still hope for R. My heart really goes out to W. I remember her as a loving W not this monster. I wish I could magically help her. I guess the best I can do is remain silent, pleasant while home, and validate her feelings in her next rage and let her see the crook she’s hired as an attorney. Has anyone out there had the experience of a divorce getting ugly and being saved? Are there any other efforts other than DB?
