Quote: Have your D's three "not nice breaker uppers" fit a pattern? How do you suppose she keeps finding guys like that?
Not exactly, but I do think an underlying thread is that she is so desperate to HAVE a boyfriend, that she jumps from "interested" to "steadies" so fast, she may scare them off. Of course, when they dump her badly (the last one before this had his friends tell her!) then she's even MORE needy for validation the next time. This is so hard to teach someone else, but it's kind of a DB thing - the more you show you want it, the more it scares them off. The more confident and self-contained you are, the more you attract them.
Dear Ellie - Thank you for the post on lesson for piecers - I certainly would not have remembered that NG carries his own cross about this whole thing
Quote: So - I guess what I am saying is - just do not underestimate the depth of the returned WASs shame and discomfort in talking about their affair. Don't push it - and buy lots of duct tape!
Being here on the board, I think I, like many of you, tend to see every failed R through the prism of the pattern we see here - confused WAS, LBS struggling valiantly to save the M. Still, we know that what we see here is a select group - those LBSs willing to read a book, work on themselves, withstand the scrutiny and honest feedback of a group like this.
The other night, I was at a committee meeting with my H, where friend who is a WAH announced his engagement to a woman some might consider the OW. Although I'll admit I still have some discomfort with the whole thing, it didn't bother me the way you might think it would. And I'm telling the story here, because I think it is important to remember, that not every sitch is the same as the ones we see here.
In this case, the WAH has been married about 20 years. Although H and I have known him for several years, I have never met his W - and H has only met her once. She has refused to have anything to do with her H's "surfer friends" (mind you - these are doctor and attorney surfer friends, not bums!). One year, our club invited (and paid for) some Hawaaiian kids to come to our annual children's surf contest - in the spirit of Aloha. These kids had never been to the mainland before. WAH put some of them up at his house (with their chaperone) - his W never came out of her room! They were there for 5 days and she never met them.
We've watched WAH struggle with this for years. He has two teenage children, and he has really tried, within his ability, to fix things. I suspect his wife has some serious anxiety disorder of some sort (although she manages to get out with her society friends!). He has tried to get her psychiatric help, to no avail. He's a sweet, almost passive guy who has never said a bad thing about his wife.
Meanwhile, WAH has a woman (T) who has worked for him for about five years. For most of that time they have had a simply friendly R - he has been kind of a "big brother" to her. She's had a couple of tempestuous Rs with BFs during that time- she really doesn't pick too well. (Her first husband was abusive, and she raised her son alone). But she has a big heart, and is loved for it by her friends.
So - now to last year - WAH is at the end of his rope in trying to get his W to share any part of his life, or seek help for her problems/their problems. He gets nothing but rejection and criticism from her. (And trust me when I say, he is a kind, sweet, sober, successful guy). T develops ovarian cancer (only in her mid-thirties!) and her current BF runs for the hills.
Is it any wonder that at this point, their long-standing platonic frindship develops into something more? Or that WAH finally decides that he can't wait until his last child is quite out of high school to end his marriage - because the woman he has fallen in love with has no guarantees about how long her future will be?
Sure, I wish he had somehow been able to get through to his wife - or, failing that, he had been able to hang in there two more years until the youngest was out of school. But I understand, and I do feel he did everything in his power to try to make his marriage work. (And now, his high blood pressure for which he had to take medication, has fallen to completely normal!!!)
So, anyway - I mention this story just to show that not all LBSs are the same as the truly fine people you meet here on the BB, and not all WASs are in a depression or MLC.
Ellie BTW - leaving for Berkeley today with S18 and H - hooray!
What a story! Thanks for sharing with us. Yes, it is a different perspective.
I had a reason for "raiding" your thread to ask for your piercing analysis of my draft email response to my W and give me any suggestions on how it can be improved (if any). Stubborn has done a nice job herself! You have helped me out of some dicey emails and I am asking for your assistance once again!
Thanks for the story! It is good to remember that every situation is unique. One thing I have noticed that everyone tries to fit their situation to mine when they hear what I am going thru...Oh, SG, you need to do this because when my H did that to me I did that...And I know although there are similarities, every situation has it's own spin...:p
Anyway,
How did S like "Berzerkely"?
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
Dear Ellie Thanks for the two stories - I will remember that Hs pain will continue to exist. Where does one draw the line between habitual wearing of duct tape and habitual avoidance of conflict?
As for the WAH story, I read this with a fair stab of guilt, having had that Scarlett O'hara moment of realising I had taken H for granted. That story could possibly be how my H viewed our marriage (he told a friend before christmas that I wouldn't have counselling which is completely untrue) and that he was fully justified in leaving the unloving wife. Would like to hear her side of things which I bet would be a catalogue of all the ways in which her H has failed her. I am here because I can see how destructive I was in the M and want to atone but am definately not the Wicked Witch that my H perceived me as.
Quote: Would like to hear her side of things which I bet would be a catalogue of all the ways in which her H has failed her.
Well, Midip, usually that is what I would assume, that she has a long and similar list - but I guess that's why I posted this story, because I really suspect she doesn't. I suspect she just really has some weird personality disorder, because her behavior has been so odd, and because I know her H to be such a kind, caring guy.
After all, who would host underprivileged kids in their home for five days (some of the very sweetest kids you could imagine, too) and not even bother to meet them - not once!
Now, most of the things our spouses have said to people about us - you know they are just rationalizations for their leaving, right? Yes, we all make errors and have things we need to improve about ourselves and our Rs - but even if you are perfect, the WAS will make up the most absurd reasons for leaving (and I've seen some real doozies on this board!). My favorite is the WAS telling the LBS they are leaving them because they are too controlling - and they are too controlling because they want the WAS to end their affair!
O.....M......G!!!!!!!! Berkeley was the most amazing place! I can't imagine a better place for S18 to go to school. What a gorgeous campus! What a vibrant community! What a great intellectual vibe! I think my H was jealous - he wishes HE could go to such a school
And since S18 loves Japanese and Thai and Chinese food - what better place to go to school than a community that has the highest density of Asian restaurants I have ever seen anywhere?
So there is no longer any doubt - S18 has definitely decided to go to Berkeley - which means, of course, my No. Cal. girlfriends will be seeing more of me (Sorry, girls, that we couldn't meet up this time - it was just too short and busy a visit).
So - S18 flies back up to Berkeley today to attend an overnite stay program (where they pair him with a student and he stays in the dorm overnite). On the plane up, he gets talking to a couple who are going to visit their son in Oakland - their son, the editor of a video-game magazine! (S18 is obsessed with video games). S18 gave them his contact info to give to their son - thinking maybe he could write reviews for the magazine. What a great contact to make
Slowly
