Being here on the board, I think I, like many of you, tend to see every failed R through the prism of the pattern we see here - confused WAS, LBS struggling valiantly to save the M. Still, we know that what we see here is a select group - those LBSs willing to read a book, work on themselves, withstand the scrutiny and honest feedback of a group like this.

The other night, I was at a committee meeting with my H, where friend who is a WAH announced his engagement to a woman some might consider the OW. Although I'll admit I still have some discomfort with the whole thing, it didn't bother me the way you might think it would. And I'm telling the story here, because I think it is important to remember, that not every sitch is the same as the ones we see here.

In this case, the WAH has been married about 20 years. Although H and I have known him for several years, I have never met his W - and H has only met her once. She has refused to have anything to do with her H's "surfer friends" (mind you - these are doctor and attorney surfer friends, not bums!). One year, our club invited (and paid for) some Hawaaiian kids to come to our annual children's surf contest - in the spirit of Aloha. These kids had never been to the mainland before. WAH put some of them up at his house (with their chaperone) - his W never came out of her room! They were there for 5 days and she never met them.

We've watched WAH struggle with this for years. He has two teenage children, and he has really tried, within his ability, to fix things. I suspect his wife has some serious anxiety disorder of some sort (although she manages to get out with her society friends!). He has tried to get her psychiatric help, to no avail. He's a sweet, almost passive guy who has never said a bad thing about his wife.

Meanwhile, WAH has a woman (T) who has worked for him for about five years. For most of that time they have had a simply friendly R - he has been kind of a "big brother" to her. She's had a couple of tempestuous Rs with BFs during that time- she really doesn't pick too well. (Her first husband was abusive, and she raised her son alone). But she has a big heart, and is loved for it by her friends.

So - now to last year - WAH is at the end of his rope in trying to get his W to share any part of his life, or seek help for her problems/their problems. He gets nothing but rejection and criticism from her. (And trust me when I say, he is a kind, sweet, sober, successful guy). T develops ovarian cancer (only in her mid-thirties!) and her current BF runs for the hills.

Is it any wonder that at this point, their long-standing platonic frindship develops into something more? Or that WAH finally decides that he can't wait until his last child is quite out of high school to end his marriage - because the woman he has fallen in love with has no guarantees about how long her future will be?

Sure, I wish he had somehow been able to get through to his wife - or, failing that, he had been able to hang in there two more years until the youngest was out of school. But I understand, and I do feel he did everything in his power to try to make his marriage work. (And now, his high blood pressure for which he had to take medication, has fallen to completely normal!!!)

So, anyway - I mention this story just to show that not all LBSs are the same as the truly fine people you meet here on the BB, and not all WASs are in a depression or MLC.

Ellie
BTW - leaving for Berkeley today with S18 and H - hooray!