For all who questioned where H was - he did come home Saturday night. I didn't call him in the middle of the night Friday because I knew he had a long day of work Saturday and needed his sleep - besides, there wasn't anything for him to do right then.
H had a long talk with D on Saturday. D was pretty subdued all weekend. She knows she messed up.
Amazing how her moods swing all over the map. Yesterday I was looking for a DVD we had rented the other day, and trying to figure out where we had put it. D says "I know you brought it in, mom, because I was in a pissy mood then and I remember thinking "oh, watch, I bet mom asks ME to pick it up and carry it in" and you didn't".
Now - the scary thing about this is - she seemed in a perfectly GOOD mood at the time!!!! If that's the way she feels when she looks GOOD - god help us when she looks BAD (which is often!!!!).
Well, D came to my bed last night crying, saying she was so sorry and she didn't want me to feel like I was a bad mom! Then she asked me to sing to her (I sang "you are my sunshine", which my dad used to sing to me) and admitted she was PMSing.
I'm sorry H missed it, he was out of town again for the night (I know it sounds like he's gone a lot, but he really only travels an average of 4 nights a month - the rest of the time he's totally here).
Today I'm having breakfast with my pilot friend again, he happens to be in town again - the one with the marriage problems. He admitted not having done all the "homework" I gave him last time, but seems eager to continue our discussion - I sure hope I can help him work this out.
Ellie: You are the sunchine also for your D...!.. i think everything will be ok with her, just continue giving here love, companion and a good place to lay when she feel sad...! Andrea
Hi Ellie, I finally got a sec to stop in and sorta see what's up with everyone. I saw your news here, and have to say I sure sympathize with all your child-related challenges.
I might suggest the book "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" by Foster Cline, MD. It is excellent, we use it with parents here and many of the parenting education classes offered are based on his work. the "Better" schools in this area also use his behavior management models.
One thing I find really good about the book is that he offers suggestions for specific situations.
It can be challenging to follow, especially for those of us who are "fixers", as it is based on the use of natural and logical consequences, and setting up a childs life to provide both.
I know Foster does workshops for professionals and parents, I've heard him speak several times. He is excellent if he would happen to be in your area.
Oh, I forgot to mention, I know that Cline has a set of videotapes for parenting education called "parenting with Love and Logic". They are EXCELLENT. I don't recall if there is a set dealing specifically with teens or not, but the "basic" one is helpful in that area.
Very happy to hear that things have settled down a bit. Glad to hear that your daughter is remorseful and knows that what she did was wrong. That is half the battle. We have boys at the residential treatment facility that I have been intern teaching at that are ready to leave the program and still deny using faulty thinking and making poor decisions. Unfortunately they will end up in similar circumstances unless they realize it.
Hope this is a turning point in your beautiful daughters life. Good luck.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Wanted to share a little lesson in piecing that I had to relearn yesterday:
(Bear in mind that my H is totally home and has been for 2 years, his affair was quite brief, and we are probably one of the more successfully reunited couples around - so, imagine if my H is still THIS touchy, how touchy YOUR spouse may be!).
H and I were taking a nice walk yesterday morning, taking the rare opportunity to share a workout. Somewhere along the line, our chatting touched on some joking at his work, and he commented that he was glad he was now working in a somewhat isolated OR, because he wasn't subject to all the "fraternizing" that goes on in the main OR (between the nurses and docs and peripheral staff).
My duct tape slipped from my mouth and I asked H if that was where his acquaintance with "her" had gotten started, because I had thought she was a nurse on the ward. H quickly stated that it hadn't started there, and didn't want me to talk about her. But he did state that he knew of several other affairs that had started in that environment.
We then went on to other topics, and frankly, I didn't think anything more of it. But a coupleof hours later, H told me how much it bothered him that I had referred to OW as "her". He felt that using a personal pronoun was giving her too much dignity!!!!!! That that was how you would refer to someone close or familiar, and that she shouldn't be dignified with such a term! (Did he expect me to call her "it"?).
I mention this mostly because I know several people here are struggling with the question of when will their WAS be willing to spill their guts about the whole affair and "talk it out". And my H IS a talky, touchy-feely kind of guy. And even HE is so ashamed and bothered by the subject that he can't even stand me using a personal pronoun to refer to the ex-OW!!!!! (Actually, I did it because I had forgotten her name - that's a good thing, right? )
So - I guess what I am saying is - just do not underestimate the depth of the returned WASs shame and discomfort in talking about their affair. Don't push it - and buy lots of duct tape!
On the D14 front - boyfriend picked yesterday, while she was in the middle of her period and seriously PMSing, to break up with her. Even worse - told her it was because she wasn't as "cool" as he thought she was in the beginning, and because she had some annoying habits. (Aside from pursuing him a little too much, I can't imagine what he's talking about). Gee - he sounds like a WAS, doesn't he????
I'm trying to help her see this isn't about her (because, motherly pride aside, she really is beautiful, smart, talented, kind, and pretty much a great catch) - but it is hard for her, this is now the third guy who has dumped her in a very not-nice way, she's going to start getting a very poor image of men, I'm afraid.
Quote: So - I guess what I am saying is - just do not underestimate the depth of the returned WASs shame and discomfort in talking about their affair.
We're nowhere near having to worry about that yet but I'm glad you posted this. I keep thinking W is having such a great time, and it's likely that she isn't.
Have your D's three "not nice breaker uppers" fit a pattern? How do you suppose she keeps finding guys like that?
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Andrea 