Shes not on restriction because of the boyfriend - she's on restriction for buying pot, using it and distributing it to her younger brother and his friends (7th and 8th graders!) who got so stoned they stayed out all night and walked 5 miles in the middle of the night (each boy's parents thought they were staying with one of the other boys).
Both D14 and S13 are on restriction for this. They are not allowed unsupervised time - ie, they must be either with a parent, or being supervised by another child's parent who knows the situation and can be trusted to keep a close eye on them. We have been very welcoming of them having friends over anytime they want, though, and have tried our best not to come across as punishing, but simply that they have lost the freedoms they had because they have shown they were not capable of handling things responsibly.
D's BF is welcome at other times, but frankly, I don't think he is pursuing her that avidly. He seems like a nice enough kid, but has cancelled on her the last two Fridays in favor of driving around with his buddies. He had cancelled on her last night (after she had planned to cook dinner for him!) and that was part of the dynamic - apparently she called him to complain about his treatment of her, and he decided to "make it up to her" by coming by and taking her out after midnight. Oh - and his explanation for cancelling earlier? He had to take some money to a girl he knows to help her out because she owed money to a drug dealer!!!!!!!
That said, I don't think he's a bad kid - I think he's a little too much like my daughter - somewhat depressed and drawn to the "drama" of other troubled kids.
I'm so sorry for your problems with your daughter. Some of her behavior is more than likely teen rebellion.
I am finishing a degree in Special Education with a emotional impairments endorsement. I haven't had time to really think about this and process it properly but before I have to leave today, two things jumped out at me. I am medicated for depression and have been for several years, runs in our family. I started on Prozac and after only 4 or 5 years, it stopped working. I was then prescribed Welbutrin. I am much happier with this medication because I feel as if my moods are more level. I can't really describe it except to say I feel closer to "normal" although I am not sure what normal really is. Is is possible that the Prozac is having other than the desired effect? Also, have you kept any notes on her acting out behavior? Examine what is going on prior to her behavior, what the behavior is and what her behavior accomplishes for her. Doing this might give you some incite in to what needs this behavior is fulfulling (or she thinks is fulfilling). I hope things get better with her soon. I would hate to see her get herself into something that she can't get out of.
Take a deep breath, thankfully, this too will pass.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
luv- D takes high-dose Prozac for bulimia and OCD, as well as her depression. She was on 70 mg (which is much higher than would be needed to treat the depression alone) and after the pot incident, we lowered her dose to 60 mg (out of concern that maybe there was something slightly manic about her reckless behavior - Prozac can sometimes trigger mania. The plan was to continue to gradually wean her over a year.
Quote: this might give you some incite in to what needs this behavior is fulfulling
I think this behavior is simply fulfilling that need for dopamine (infatuation, excitement, risk-taking). In some ways it is very like the behavior of aWAS, right down to the loss of empathy for others and for the effect you are having on others.
Boy, sometimes I need to do a better job of proofreading. Don't tell anyone that the teacher spelled insight wrong.
WOW! That is a lot of Prozac. It made me a little high strung, more hyperactive than normal at 20 mg so we dropped to 10 mg and I still felt a little jiffy like when some people drink too much coffee.
I am sure you are fairly accurate about the function of the behavior and WA's behavior. In our classes, we learned that behavior has a function and that if we can analyze the antecedent, setting, times and circumstances of behavior, people present at the time of the behavior,and consquences we will be able to provide positive supports to provide what the child is getting from the negative behavior. In your case, I am not sure but with the mental health issues, you might want to have a talk with a special education teacher consultant with an emotional impairments background.
Just trying to help, if you need any other information that I might be able to provide you may contact me at wakupmaggiataoldotcom.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
Ellie, sorry about your D. It brings back memories for me. My D started acting up when she was about 14. She had always been a "good" kid. Good grades, nice friends, etc. Then she got in with some different kids and she told me she didn't want to be "good" anymore. She snuck out of the house, one night when she was out some of her friends who knew she was out crawled in her window and stole her stereo, cds and some other stuff. She thought I took it all cuz I knew she had snuck out. This was the beginning of her realizing her friends weren't such friends after all. By the time she was 16 she had been running away, skipping school, spent time in juvenile detention and was basically pi$$ed at everyone. It was a horrible time. When I didn't know where she was I was in panic mode all the time. She took the car one night without permission and I had her arrested mostly for her safety. She'd only had her license for a couple weeks. She had to suffer some consequences and she finally started to turn around before she turned 17. She had a wonderful drug/alcohol counselor who she will never forget. She got a job, bought a car on her own and graduated from high school on time. That last year of school she worked hard to get it done. She is 21 now and a pretty happy girl out on her own.
Those few years were so hard. I could not believe that my sweet little D could do this. I was stunned and broken hearted. I'm surprised my H and I didn't split then. He is not her father but he was very supportive and helped me think with my head and not so much my heart with her. She didn't understand what the big deal was. She was angry at her life and she wanted to do whatever she wanted and until she has her own children she will not understand how I felt. I got really involved with her school, her counseling, and her probation counselor. She had to spend time in juvenile detention when she skipped school because she was violating her probation. It took her awhile to get it but she finally did. She went through some things that were unpleasant enough that she didn't want to do it again!
Today she tells me she thought I was going to hate her for all of this and she is grateful for my unconditional love. I know your D has other issues, but I do believe teens, especially girls, go through this time of their lives where they are changing, hormones are running and they don't know what to do with themselves and sometimes make bad choices during the process. But they can come out of it with our love and care.
I don't know if any of this will help you and I'm sorry to say that this might not be the last time you have trouble with her, but you can get through it and there are lots of people out there to help. Try not to obsess on it too much. I did that and when I look back I feel like I lost a couple years of my own life. We have to keep on living our lives too. I am praying for your family cuz I know how hard this can be. We love our children more than anything or anyone and we want the best for them.
kml wrote ----------- People keep trying to tell me this is just normal teenage rebellion on D's part, but I really don't buy it. It just feels too reckless, too abnormal, too much a part of her underlying mood disorder. ----------- BTDT almost when our D was 16. No eating disorder but crazy lying bf. W and I said to d16, if you do "A", "B" is going to happen. We stuck to it.
D16 said we were bad parents at the time. Now D is 34 with 2 of her own kids and she understands why we did those mean things to her.
D16 said she had restrictive, mean parents. D34 knows why and has bought into the idea that parents need to be parents at all costs, and the frienship parents want to have with their kids does not count for much. So, most kids grow up eventually. Sometimes it takes having kids of their own.
Ellie, could your H have come home to help you out. Maybe if you did not want him to come home, try leaning on him more through phome contact. Don't try to be mom and dad all of the time.
---------------- "Hi this is the police. Do you know where your daughter is?" ---------------- Every action has a consequence or a reward Ellie. What "fair and logical" consequence does D14 have for being out at 2AM? For being with BF? For riding around? All seperat actions. Each require/deserve a reaction from you.
OG Lou,
Formerly one of the mean parents in this world but now D wants a GP like me around her kids. Tells me not to "spoil" the girls.
If I may add my .02, I was just like your daughter at that age. Lying to my parents, sneaking out, hanging out with drug users - and I was still a very good kid overall. I got over it, with some heavy-duty policing by my parents. They never let up, and nor should you. They were very worried, but deep down they knew it was just a phase. It took me a long time to grow up (hell, I'm still growing up!), but I knew all along what was right, and that these people were just a diversion from the boring and mundane life of the "normal" kids. Maybe some extracurricular involvement in some highly creative outlets would help - you know, with creative, funky kids (who are also on the straight and narrow).
Ellie: i am so sad about your D problems...!!... hope your h is at home right now, maybe thats is a big help fr you...!... yes, some use to tell us, as mothers, not to make a big problem from a little ones (you know, it is totally normal a girls trying to geo out with her BF) but in your D case, there ir a Depression and other problems previes.. so... it seems you need to worry and maybe work a lot with yur h... i will be here if i can help yu in anything... andrea
Oh - and his explanation for cancelling earlier? He had to take some money to a girl he knows to help her out because she owed money to a drug dealer!!!!!!!
