I don't know for sure what to think....I THINK things are going well...but sometimes it's difficult for me to seperate my wishes from reality...So I'm going to try to jot down here some of the things I've been doing that seem to work. I also need to find time to jot down the positives, as Ellie suggested. I have a feeling if I make a list of both +'s and -'s, the former will be much longer, it's just hard for me to see sometimes.
yesterday, I only had one email from H; and he tells me that tomorrow he is not going to the annual meeting here at work. S will be going to a youth group activity with a friend, so it leaves H a perfect ow opening, I havent checked to see if she's signed up and don't intend to. when he told me he wasnt going, I just said "well you are a naughty guy, leaving me to suffer through that on my own", and dropped the subject, told H I'd pick S up on my way home as that gives me a good excuse to leave early if I need it.
Last night H initiated ML again, I didnt expect it as he'd been complaining about being tired and having an upset stomach, but frankly, he was really enthusiastic about it. at one point he asked me "why didnt you want to do this before"...still that old question comes up from time to time. I didnt go into all the involved detailed explanation that is there, I just said "I lost touch with how good it really is"...we both slept like babies, and frankly he had to wake me up after the alarm went off.
I'm not sure exactly what brings this out, but frankly in my plotting and devious mind, I'm always very happy to make sure we have sex BEFORE there is any possiblity he might see ow. I want him to be tired from having fun with me, not wrapped up in how deprived he is and how she can save him from that. Don't know if it will work in the long run, and yes it's manipulative. but oh well, what works works. I recall reading in Michelles book a comment that "you know how to push your spouses negative buttons, you also know how to push the postives".
I'm trying to focus on me, and doing what makes me "me"...because I feel better then. That in itself seems like a long road back, but slowly I think I'm making progress. I have a goal of making it to my fitness ctr 3X/week for 2 months and doing my aerobics tapes on the days I don't make it, and see if I get any progress made in my "shape up" efforts.
I also read a comment on another thread here to keep in mind that it's like trying to get an alley cat to eat out of your hand...you have to quietly and patiently tempt them. I've read that before, but it's quite fresh in my mind.
From that point of view, I've been considering what might be "tempting" to H...I do pretty much know what he likes, somethings I've always known, somethings I've learned through dbing: he NEEDS words of afirmation, as much as he needs air-I've only recently come to understand this, so I look every day for small, sincere ways to show appreciation and admiration, and every now and then throw in some high-school style zingers (hey, it worked for youknowwho, obviously); H likes to eat--got that covered, he's so well-fed that co-workers ask for stuff out of his sack lunches (one thing he complained about ow when he was in a confessional mode was that she never cooked, and he got sick of ramen noodles and frozen pizza at her place); Obviously H likes sex, unfortunately I lost sight of how important that was for his well-being and really blew that one, but have that remedied, I think. H also likes to look at female bodies. I used to scoff at that and think how adolescent and immature. Finally it dawned on me that it's a pretty universal guy thing, and if I don't use it to my advantage, I'm sure ow will. so, duh, I quit wearing big baggy t-shirts unless i'm working out or doing chores, even then he might get flashed a tiny bit, and intead got some of those rib-knit t-shirts that are more form fitting; sexier undies, and a couple of times a week i put on makeup wearing only a towel around my waist. I don't know for sure if it works, but I think it probably does. yesterday morning i was sitting on the bed putting on hose in my undies and I noticed him trying to discretely observe my torso. Don't know if that's why he was so "raring to go" at bedtime, but it probably didnt hurt.
H admires women with an independant streak, which I've always been. It's such an incongruency between his need for affirmation and yet his disdain for "clingyness" that it's a real challenge. I try to make sure that I don't let my anxiety about "us" pull me into a trap of becoming clingy. sometimes I slip up.
H is very sports minded, physically active. I used to be that way--I'm working to get back into shape, for me as well as him, because that is the "real" me. It's also a challenge that keeps my focus off of negative issues (ow). Not to mention that S happened to say once that he never ever saw ow doing anything but sitting on her hiney watching tv when H would take him to her house. H doesnt' like that.
oh yeah, I flirt with H, not always but sometimes, and pretty shamelessly and physically. This morning before he left, I gave him a long lingering kiss, told him "uh-oh, my necks getting red"...and he actually said "I see it's starting to" and left in kind of a flustered hurry. I sorta think that's good. If I can get him flustered before he leaves for work, maybe it will provide some "insulation" from ow.
I make sure I tell him ILY, but I also try to make sure it's not so much that it's obnoxious. I try to focus more on showing it than saying it.
Those are some of the things I've been doing that I think have helped me get this far. I'm journaling about them to help me take stock and assess what I might be able to do more of...I honestly think at this point, my main focus needs to be "more of the same" where H is concerned, more effort into my own GAL/inshape efforts, and PATIENCE and PRAYER.
