I feel a little more in contol than I did last week, probably because I got the darn taxes mailed, and we had a pretty good weekend. I THINK maybe some positive baby-steps, even bigger steps perhaps, took place.
Friday, H was home all day, so he didnt do anything w/ow. in the afternoon, he initiated ml...at bedtime, I was surprised, he turned toward me, actually took me in his arms, and said "it was nice to ml this afternoon"....and he used the term "ML"...I heartily agreed with him, but I was shocked, I think this is the 1st time EVER he's said such a thing. Then, on top of that, he initiated again, and was quite enthusiastic.
Saturday, he went to do his "paperwork?"...S and I got home literally about 2 minutes before H did, in fact I wondered if he'd been in the garage when we got home, as I didn't hear the door open. H came in and kissed me, and then held up his wedding-ringless hand and said, contritely I might add, "I've been trying to get this on, but it won't go". He had his ring in his other hand. I made some joking comment, took his ring and pushed it on his finger while I was doing it, and, it WOULDNT go on; I had to believe that. I knew he only had it on as far as his knuckly when he left, and made a concious decision not to obsess about it. It's new that he would do such a thing as let me try to put it on. Not at all long ago, he'd have been furious that I would do such a thing.
I had a sense all weekend that he had kind of an underlying sadness. No clue what it might be about, but it's not about anything at home, I don't believe. I used to be frightened when he seemed sad that he was getting up his nerve to tell me he was leaving. I can't help but think now that he'd be gone already if he was going. On top of the sadness, something else was weird. The guy mowed the yard. With a push mower. 3 1/2 acres. When he has a garden tractor to mow with. I got a sense, maybe accurate, maybe not, that he felt a need for hard physical labor for some reason. He mowed parts of every day all weekend.
Saturday night we were up a little later than usual, and h was in bed 15-20 minutes before me. I thought maybe he was asleep when I got there, so I quietly got in and was on my side of the bed so as not to disturb him, and from out of the dark he said "Arent you going to hold me?" in this sad, kind of tenuous voice. That surprised me as well, I told him I'd not wanted to bother him because I thought maybe he was asleep, but that I always enjoy snuggling up to him. H said he always likes for me to hold him. I cant help but remember the days when we literally slept with each of us clinging to our side of the bed.
Sunday morning, H did chores while I slept in; said he'd be back to bed in a little bit. It was about 7 am; I commented that I should get up and get going; he acted all disappointed and hurt, said "don't you want to snuggle?" I told him of course I did, but he was such an inspiration being up and about so early, that I felt like I should get up and going. H said he wasnt an inspiration, just a person who sticks to a routine. So, he came back to bed, and we spent an hour just snuggling and snoozing, no sex, but it was every bit as nice in it's own way. I also remember how I used to long for just that. Later H went for a walk for about 2 hours, as he was leaving I walked out the door with him, and he kissed me good bye and said ILY unsolicited. When he came home, I was on the porch planting flowers. I saw him coming from aways off, but ignored him, acted as if I didnt know he was; then I turned from the flower pots and was startled because he was right behind me. There was a day when he would have ignored me and instead gone into the house by another door instead of stopping to say hi...I said "Hi, I was thinking of you, how was your walk"...made sure my voice was happy, but actually that's how I felt at the time, and he gave me a hug and kiss.
later in the afternoon, he was running steps from the basement doing his workout, and when he was at the top, I patted his rear, and said "I'm admiring your nice hiney" and he said thanks; I told him it matched the rest of his bod, and he said "thanks" again. He used to get furiously angry when I said things like that. then he'd argue or deny it. I think it's a change for him to just say thanks, and he did sound like he meant it.
This morning, he again tried to get his ring on, in front of me, and it still wont go on. Evidently his hands/fingers are that swollen from the hours of lawnmower pushing. I didnt get upset or make a big deal, just told him that I'd be happy to take it to get it sized for him if he decides that he wants me to, and that I was offering that in an effort to be helpful, not overbearing or "bossy", he said "I know, lets see in a little while it works better, it'd be just my luck you'd get it sized and then it would be too big". I don't know if I ever even posted here about it, but a couple of months ago or so, I offered to get it sized for him, and he got very insulted and angry about it. i thought that was weird, but of course dropped it like a hot potato as I've learned to do. He gave me a nice hug and kiss before he left, and said ILY very sincerely and tenderly;
ah, almost forgot, he did show me a brochure for a workshop he's thinking he might go to instead of the one on our anniversary! He even said "instead of the one on our anniversary". I've told him it's ok if he does go to the one that day, as it's during the week and a workday anyway, but that I'd like to do something to celebrate that weekend, even if just going out to eat. that I thought 26 years deserved being celebrated even if we're having to work on things right now. At first he was a little testy, because I think he thought I was going to tell him not to go, or found it insulting to be reminded, but now he seems to agree.
So, that's my tale of the weekend. Positive baby steps I think.
I can't help but notice that now ow seems to park as far away from him as possible. there are open spaces right next to his vehicle in the far parking lot where she used to park, and she is parked out in the street a city block, literally, from that parking lot. I'd love to read significance into that, don't know if there really is or not.
