Hi Sage... In answer to your question, I've told him that I need all contact with her to end, and that I need to KNOW that it has...and that it is permanent. I've told him that he could do this in several ways, his choice (borrowing a page from Not Just Friends): he could: send her an email saying it's over, no more contact, and not to contact him, and cc it to me; he could write a letter stating the same, let me read it and give me a copy and we would go together to put it into a "drop-in" mailbox; he could call her and tell her the same with me in the room. THEN he could make every effort to verify his whereabouts to me for a while....I'm not as clear about how this would work in my own mind, so I've not been as specific about it, but I have told him this is what I need.
His response is that he cant be as cruel to her as I want him to be....that he is not going to hurt her the way I want him to (his exact words from months ago, I think this was probably during the fight that ensued after his christmas trip with her). He also has expressed resentment that I expect him to account for his whereabouts. I know that must feel difficult, and it's not fair to expect him to do this forever, no one could live like that and in fact I would be abusive to expect/demand it, but some reassurance of this type would sure help for a while.
I know beyond a doubt that these things would help me to heal and move on, and the fact that he has not/refuses to do them is a red flag of concern for me.
I do recall finding a note to himself as long ago as mid-January 2004 with the heading "things to discuss" saying no writing, no calls, no letters....of course then in the same note he had "seeing some one saturday?" written below to ask about. about a month later I saw an email from her saying how difficult she found it to not have any contact.
I guess that is another thing that is very difficult for me to deal with, that he chooses to hurt me in order to avoid hurting her, if that makes any sense. It certainly looks like that is what he is choosing from my point of view...perhaps that is not the way he sees it.
