ok, guess I'll post about last night. maybe I blew it, probably did, but I'm not sure I care. I got home from work about 8:45, S was asleep on the couch with ice on his snoot, H was working out in the basement, but I noticed he had most of the laundry done...another indication that he had plans for something different today. usually he does laundry on Friday's when he's off.
Every thing was really knawing at me....seems like H was being gritchy and irritable about something, don't recall what, but he usually isnt that way anymore, he used to be when ow was hot stuff, so that was another indicator that something's up. I was quiet for a quite a while, trying to hold to my goal of no mention of a/ow....I was sitting at the table balancing the check book and h came down from putting clean laundry away gritching about something, and I finally just looked at him and asked point blank "do you have plans with ow for tomorrow AM"....of course he got angry, wanted to know why I asked that...I told him because i'd noticed she is taking vacation today, and he acts "different", irritable...H said he wouldnt know when she was taking off because he doesnt check the calendar everyday like I do...I told him I don't either, but sometimes I have to because of job responsibilities, and it's pretty hard not to notice. all of which is true.
He sputtered and mumbled that no he didnt (have plans), and he was sick of this, that if I ever thought we were going to make it, I needed to know he wasnt going to live like this, just when he thinks we're doing good, something like this happens because I bring it up....what do I expect when I come home acting all cold (I did ask how I acted that was cold, I was clueless, he said bringing this stuff up), that he was acting the same as he had been for several days/weeks (true) and that I'm anxious if he's irritable now matter why....same song, second verse, as bad as the first.....same stuff I've heard every time, especially when ow is involved, turning the blame to me, etc.
I just let him go on, didnt say a word, just sat there and watched him quietly. There was no fight in me at that point, just a feeling of being an outside observer. When he quieted down, I looked him in the eye from across the table, and said quietly and unemotionally "the ball is in your court". Something about that must have hit home because his eyes got big and he looked shocked, and he repeated the statement. then he was quiet. I looked at him, calmly, for a minute then got up and left the room.
the thought in my mind at the time was that I'm real close to done with living with this every day if he is chosing to continue to lie to me.
This morning before I left for work, his attitude seemed to be different, even by bedtime last night. as I mentioned, he checked on S before I got up and gave him medication, and told me S wasnt able to go to school (which was a 180 from what he was saying last night). H mentioned either in the night or this morning, that he would be holding me more in the night (spooning) but it seems so hot now (maybe I need to fire the AC up more); he seemed to be hugging me more sincerely, more warmly, before I left. I don't have a clue if it has to do with my statement having any impact or not. I just know I'm tired and frazzled and sick of having to doubt and deal with the crap all the time.
I frankly don't know if I can ever trust him again if he continues to refuse to do anything to help me. and I don't know how either of us can live with the lack of trust, it isnt realistic or even fair to expect him to live with a ball and chain, with every move supervised and overseen by me. and yet he refuses (it seems to me) to do the things that would help me regain trust....I don't know if it's out of anger, a desire to punish me still, or if stuff is still going on w/ow, or if he thinks he is doing stuff and I don't "get it". However, he has said he has no intention of doing what I've told him I need done to help me move on.......
