How can H be with OW tomorrow if S is home from school - won't H need to stay with him?
As for all this other speculating about H and OW - it's really undermining your Act As If efforts. Think about what you would do if you had all the info you want? If you KNEW H was spending Saturday mornings boffing the oW - would that be the end of it for you, or would you just redouble your DBing efforts? If it's the latter - then just let it go out of your mind and redouble your DBing efforts.
If you would be totally done with the marriage if you found out he was still spending Saturday mornings with her - then hire a PI and find out, and be done with it. But all this ASSuming is getting in your way. You've listed a lot of positive baby steps. Maybe you should adopt Sage's old habit of listing daily positives?
Don't you think it's possible that this guy just is a really poor manager of his time at work and needs that extra work time?
Take Ellie's advice and try to relax. You are starting to spin! What is it that has gotten you to this point? Try to think back....what are you so worried or unhappy about? What started this? It can not be ALL of those things you listed. My advice would be to try and figure out what has triggered this. When you recognize it....deal with it. Take on THAT issue and only that issue and put an end to it.
You are throwing out a lot of harmful assumptions here. Be careful that you are not creating more trouble than you really have.
Quote: How can H be with OW tomorrow if S is home from school - won't H need to stay with him?
and that my friend is the crux of the problem...I would think so, but when H talks about sending S to school anyway, it set off warning bells for me. and when he talks about needing to be gone doing stuff, and starts taking checks out of the check book....which he did yesterday evening. It also irritates me to no end that he might consider leaving S at home alone when he's hurt. he is only 12, for heavens sake. a mature 12, but still 12 is 12.
I don't know what's gone on, I left and came to work this morning, however, H had already gone into S's bedroom and checked on him and given him nuprin by the time I got up this morning, and informed me that S was not feeling well enough to go to school. So I guess he had a change of heart. H is expressing irritation that perhaps the friend hurt S's nose on purpose (he see's the friend as a punk). So maybe that was part of his frustration. S believes it was an accident, and heaven knows when 12 year olds wrestle, noses get bumped. I'm hoping that if H leaves, he won't be gone for long.
Quote: If you KNEW H was spending Saturday mornings boffing the oW - would that be the end of it for you,
Frankly, I don't know. here again is part of the problem. I have been really debating what I intend to do when my "reassessment" deadline rolls around....I am not entirely sure I will redouble my efforts if I find out then that he is still carrying on and lying about it. Part of the problem is that he started the Saturday "paperwork" the very Saturday after I found out about the A and the bomb dropped. and, not only started that, but started going to the out-of-town office (he says) to do it, so I couldnt/cant verify...says it's less likely for him to have distractions/interruptions there....yep, I bet, like a pissed off wife. it's also difficult because I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was lying then...the only thing that makes it any different now is his attitude. and frankly I don't know if I can trust that, or trust my instincts (which don't know what to tell me right now anyway) or if I'm reading too much into it out of hope and wishful thinking.
I guess the short answer is I don't know, I might be done. I'm debating.
Quote: Don't you think it's possible that this guy just is a really poor manager of his time at work and needs that extra work time?
Frankly that's another part of the problem, in fact he is an excellent manager of his time and very self-disciplined. that raises my level of doubt and anxiety. However, he is a poor typist, and they have to do some of their own continuing treatment plans rather than dictating them now, so that could be part of it. H also has a client load 2X the size of the other therapists, so that could be part of it. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but........
Hi Dawn, I know, I've been feeling myself get "out of whack" again. I think what set it off was going through the darn checks for the taxes. It was just so incredibly painful to have those very concrete and tangible reminders of all that pain and deceit. It really was like living through it all again, but all at once, not day by day/incident by incident. I was totally unprepared for how difficult that would be. It really caught me by surprise. Plus, H mentions things about work--specifically the medical department--that he could only know by talking to a staff member in that department. I don't need to guesses to know who that would be. This is something that I became aware of just before the bomb dropped. it had died down for a while, and now it seems to be more noticable.
so, I'm not at all sure what to do. Thank God the taxes are finished.
I guess the bottom line is that I trusted H so completely, and was so blown away by the A. now this has all been brought up as though it was happening all over again, like sandpaper on a scabbed over wound. and I'm not doing real well with it at the moment.
It did occur to me this morning though that ow used to go to great lengths to keep the office staff from writing any information on the leave boards/calendars when things were "hot" (except for their romantic little get-away to our vacation spot)..........
Okay, so it's past hurts that have been dredged up by the taxes that are making you unhappy. And your h is not in a position to give you any comfort or consoling. This makes sense Deb and is perfectly normal. It sounds to me like you are really angry with your h and who wouldn't be? (He's been an a-one jerk! LOL) But it appears that you are TRYING to find current issues for you to be mad about...using THOSE issues to justify your feelings right now. Does this make sense?
Deb, you have every right to be angry about all those feelings that prepping for taxes has dredged up. So my advice would be to FEEL it, VENT it (here, of course, not to h) and then take some time for yourself. Maybe tonight you can get to bed early. Tell H that you need some "me" time to recharge. Read a book, watch TV, just re-group a little.
Try your best not to project your anger. Hang in there Deb.
If I don't hear from you again today, I hope you have a great weekend.
ok, guess I'll post about last night. maybe I blew it, probably did, but I'm not sure I care. I got home from work about 8:45, S was asleep on the couch with ice on his snoot, H was working out in the basement, but I noticed he had most of the laundry done...another indication that he had plans for something different today. usually he does laundry on Friday's when he's off.
Every thing was really knawing at me....seems like H was being gritchy and irritable about something, don't recall what, but he usually isnt that way anymore, he used to be when ow was hot stuff, so that was another indicator that something's up. I was quiet for a quite a while, trying to hold to my goal of no mention of a/ow....I was sitting at the table balancing the check book and h came down from putting clean laundry away gritching about something, and I finally just looked at him and asked point blank "do you have plans with ow for tomorrow AM"....of course he got angry, wanted to know why I asked that...I told him because i'd noticed she is taking vacation today, and he acts "different", irritable...H said he wouldnt know when she was taking off because he doesnt check the calendar everyday like I do...I told him I don't either, but sometimes I have to because of job responsibilities, and it's pretty hard not to notice. all of which is true.
He sputtered and mumbled that no he didnt (have plans), and he was sick of this, that if I ever thought we were going to make it, I needed to know he wasnt going to live like this, just when he thinks we're doing good, something like this happens because I bring it up....what do I expect when I come home acting all cold (I did ask how I acted that was cold, I was clueless, he said bringing this stuff up), that he was acting the same as he had been for several days/weeks (true) and that I'm anxious if he's irritable now matter why....same song, second verse, as bad as the first.....same stuff I've heard every time, especially when ow is involved, turning the blame to me, etc.
I just let him go on, didnt say a word, just sat there and watched him quietly. There was no fight in me at that point, just a feeling of being an outside observer. When he quieted down, I looked him in the eye from across the table, and said quietly and unemotionally "the ball is in your court". Something about that must have hit home because his eyes got big and he looked shocked, and he repeated the statement. then he was quiet. I looked at him, calmly, for a minute then got up and left the room.
the thought in my mind at the time was that I'm real close to done with living with this every day if he is chosing to continue to lie to me.
This morning before I left for work, his attitude seemed to be different, even by bedtime last night. as I mentioned, he checked on S before I got up and gave him medication, and told me S wasnt able to go to school (which was a 180 from what he was saying last night). H mentioned either in the night or this morning, that he would be holding me more in the night (spooning) but it seems so hot now (maybe I need to fire the AC up more); he seemed to be hugging me more sincerely, more warmly, before I left. I don't have a clue if it has to do with my statement having any impact or not. I just know I'm tired and frazzled and sick of having to doubt and deal with the crap all the time.
I frankly don't know if I can ever trust him again if he continues to refuse to do anything to help me. and I don't know how either of us can live with the lack of trust, it isnt realistic or even fair to expect him to live with a ball and chain, with every move supervised and overseen by me. and yet he refuses (it seems to me) to do the things that would help me regain trust....I don't know if it's out of anger, a desire to punish me still, or if stuff is still going on w/ow, or if he thinks he is doing stuff and I don't "get it". However, he has said he has no intention of doing what I've told him I need done to help me move on.......
Deb--I usually don't stop by the BB anymore. Anyway, something really struck me...
Quote: I frankly don't know if I can ever trust him again if he continues to refuse to do anything to help me. and I don't know how either of us can live with the lack of trust, it isnt realistic or even fair to expect him to live with a ball and chain, with every move supervised and overseen by me. and yet he refuses (it seems to me) to do the things that would help me regain trust....I don't know if it's out of anger, a desire to punish me still, or if stuff is still going on w/ow, or if he thinks he is doing stuff and I don't "get it". However, he has said he has no intention of doing what I've told him I need done to help me move on.......
I feel like H and I have been in this place for quite some time lately. I don't have time/can't post much on the BB right now...but email me, okay?
Hi Dawn, thanks. Yes, I see that past hurts that have resurfaced are causing a lot of this. and that makes me confront the issues of trust that still face me/us, and what I perceive as H's refusal to meet my needs in that area. THAT is current "stuff", and perhaps, no, I'm sure, that is the biggest issue before me now. and I don't know how it can/will/might be resolved when I've told H what I need done and he just so far has pretty much refused to do it. Maybe he is doing "substitute" things that he feels should suffice, and I don't see them. that is a possiblity.
One things for sure, I am going to take your advice and "chill out" for a while this weekend. even if it's just pulling the blankets over my head for a nap. that's saved my sanity more than once.
Hi Nevanna, I've been wondering how you're doing and what's up. I don't have much time right now, but will send a quick "hi" email, and touch base more on monday.
Anyway, something really struck me...