If anyone is out there to see this, I could use some help getting my head on straight tonight. I've had no time to post, and been really thinking about and trying to incorporate Pamila's FEAR information...it's very helpful, and I thought I was making progress........BUT THEN.....just before I left to pick S up from his afterschool/friends house, I was in the main office, and noticed that ow is signed up for vacation tomorrow. H is always off on Friday's. Then....I get there to pick up S, and he is hurt...got kneed in the nose wrestling (the joys of 12 year old boys). It looked bad to me, so we got in the car and drove straight to the Drs.. His nose is broken. not severly, but very swollen and painfully. She recommended he take it easy, no rough housing and should probably stay home from school tomorrow as he's going to be pretty sore (after the swelling goes down, we'll be going to an ENT). H was home when we got home, wanted to know what happened, what the verdict was....when I told him, he got irritable about the "not going to school" tomorrow part...said S shouldnt be missing school for something so inconsequential. sheesh!!!!!!!!! so of course, now I'm incredibly anxious that he has plans with ow tomorrow while I'm at work in the AM....all week he's been complaining about how terribly busy he is. That is exactly what he did the days earlier in the week before his christmas trip w/ow. Somebody talk to me about any of this....
Last night I was going to post this and the computer wouldnt let me:thought I'd post for a minute, things are so busy I have no time to it seems. I'm not sure how things are going...I think ok, or even good, but my doubts and insecurities have really been creeping in and making it hard for me to stay on track, though. So far, thank the Lord, I've managed to do it, and today I feel a little better. not sure why.
The postings on fear and suggestions above are really helpful. I appreciate them so much, and of course if anyone who reads this has any insight, I'm always VERY eager for it....I have to go back almost a week, to last Thursday. I had to work late, and S had an evening school activity. That meant H had to take him. I cringed and dreaded asking him, because he used to throw fits and temper tantrums and be really angry about such things. This time he was pleasant...and it was no problem. I couldnt believe it. And, S said his dad was pleasant and had a good time and actually hung around for cookies and punch and talked to the other parents. He used to avoid such things like the plague, and gripe and moan about it if he couldnt get out of it. S said he was shocked, he doesnt think H has done such a thing since he was in 2nd grade. Could this be the beginning of true reconnection??????
Last Friday morning, I had to be on the road for work at 7:15 am....guess who initiated ML out of the blue at 6:15?????? weird, but fun. I don't know if he was "testing" or what, but he was happy and cheerful.
Saturday morning he did his usual "paperwork" time...I maybe "sorta" slipped, and he got a little irritated, but I'm not sure it was wrong or that I regret it....I told him I didnt like it that he had to go and that I wished he didnt have to. I didnt say anything else, but I just felt like I needed to let him know that it's NOT ok...
Saturday and Sunday were pretty quiet, not much going on, H was pretty "neutral", not up or down.
monday I had an anxious time, he had to pick me up at a mechanics shop, and when he walked in the door, I didnt even recognize him because he was wearing new/different sunglasses. I commented "oh, you have new glasses"...and he said a friend, a former best friend/male coworker who left, got them for him...I'm suspicious of that, because he never told me about them before, and I think he'd have mentioned it. My guess is she got them for his bday. I got a grip and let it go, and we had a pleasant conversation on the 1/2 hour drive home.
Tuesday night, H initiated ML....I sometimes wonder if it's just to throw me off the track or out of guilt, but I've read/heard that it's harder for guys to "fake it". Tuesday is the day he is in the same building as ow.
Last night when I picked up S from religion class, ow's D waited outside for her, ow drove up and picked the poor kid up as everyone was nearly gone. It occurred to me then that she has been doing this for several months now. It's actually been quite some time since she came inside and waited for her D...I guess she must for some reason not want to be around me...I don't know if that's because she knows she's won or because she doesnt want to be reminded of something that's painful. I want, of course, to believe that it's the later.
I was cleaning the kitchen yesterday, and found part of the cell phone bill in the trash. only 2 of 8 pages, none of the calls were listed on that page, but I did see that our calling totals (this was back in mid february) were like 65 minutes for our "home" area, which I think includes her,and about 20 minutes other wise, which was probably me calling our D....so evidently he is not calling her so much on the cell.... I've thought that he was taking the cordless phone into the garage and calling her in the mornings, but it was left laying on an end table by me last night, and still there this morning. So, he probably still goes to the basement computer room. The regular phone bill is still high.
last night he mentioned the possibility of us going together out of town the night before our anniversary, and taking S out of school, as he may attend a workshop that day. Does it sound like a good sign to anyone that he even mentioned it? I know 2 years ago he wouldnt have, that's the year he didnt even sign the card he gave me "love"....
I dont' know what to think, what to do tomorrow if he is w/ow....I've been clinging to his words from the end of Jan. that he "gave her up" and "you won" and from several weeks ago that I'm "not going to" lose him.......but still.....
I noticed today that the back of ow's suv is full of boxes....I've noticed for the last month or so that she's been collecting them. I wonder what that's about. It would be nice if she was moving. probably no such luck. maybe her D is going to live with her dad. blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I hate this. FEAR and insecurity....I think I'm past them and then there they are again.
