STILL morphing 4

[debcb]

boy, those old checks sure stirred up a hornets nest of emotions for me, and now I'm having to work hard to keep from letting myself get all work up....I just keep feeling the hurt and anguish. and marveling at how much money he was tossing away on her...
Now I find it hard not to become obsessively watchful of "stuff" again...for instance, I just drove by her suv, she's parked in the street (ha!) and noticed her back window is dirty...immediately I wondered "was she at our hourse while I was gone for S's class last night?". We live on a rural road and vehicles get dirty...however, she also drives 25 miles a day on a rural interstate, and it's been muddy and rainy here for the last week. I don't know that it's any dirtier than it would be from that.

SOMEHOW I have got to get this out of my head and get my focus back onto bringing joy to our R. just when I think I'm making progress. However, I havent done or said anything stupid yet, God Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!

[debcb]

yuk yuk yuk I'm having a hard time. I hate these icky feelings, but I can't seem to get them out of my mind.

I guess one good thing is, I have to work late tonight, and H is uncomplainingly taking S to a program at his school (which I hate to miss, but it was scheduled at the last minute)....there was a time when H would have pitched a mighty fit, or refused to do it...

of course, annual meeting is coming up in 2 weeks, and H is talking about not going, says all the therapists are boycotting, I have a hard time believing it is not because it bothers ow to see us together.

oh, ick though, I just saw a photo of my self in 01, and I was REALLY fat...it's awful!

I'ts so pretty out today after being rainy for a week, I keep thinking if I could get outside and go bike riding, I would do better.

[sage]

Why would anything I say or do make him feel hopeless when he is in the drivers seat?

Well I can't answer for your h or for my h exactly but I'm guessing that it's because they feel like no matter what they do, whatever pace they do it at, it will never be enough to make up for what happened. OR (or maybe AND), while they may be in the "driver's seat", so to speak, about the A, they are NOT in the driver's seat in reference to forgiveness and putting the past behind.

I think my h has also somewhat accurately surmised that less than 50% of my insecurity is actually directly related to him or what he's done...the rest of it comes full force from my brain, my insides...I sense that you can relate given your next post about xow's car window...that insecurity is a function of YOUR brain, deb, and while we could both say, well, yah, h contributed to it, well, the holding onto it is still up to you.

Believe me, I'm not "judging" or "admonishing" you for this in the least...some weeks ago you asked me about how I got rid of my ow insecurity and I was going to post "what makes you think I have?" but I got sidetracked...my brain still tries to torture me occasionally but, simply put, I choose not to act on it and work hard on my "as if" attitude on tough days. The toughies are far fewer and further between than they used to be but they are still there.

Sage

[debcb]

thanks Sage, I dont take it as admonishing...I really need and appreciate the input. OH yeah, I have my insecurities all right! and I know a lot of them come from my brain....actually that reminds me of something I was going to post and forgot this week, I'll have to do it later as I have to go teach class, but I found some stuff I was convinced H had given to ow....thank god I never said anything about my suspicions!!!!!!!!!!!

[debcb]

thanks Sage, I dont take it as admonishing...I really need and appreciate the input. OH yeah, I have my insecurities all right! and I know a lot of them come from my brain....actually that reminds me of something I was going to post and forgot this week, I'll have to do it later as I have to go teach class, but I found some stuff I was convinced H had given to ow....thank god I never said anything about my suspicions!!!!!!!!!!!

[Pamila]

Deb,

You have received good advice from Sage and others but this is just my .02

I heard a teaching once on FEAR, which was described as F.alse E.vidence A.ppearing R.eal.

The devil (or even our own minds) loves to take tidbits and twist and turn them in our brains until we have many times made something out of nothing. We can or I can I should say, take a tiny peace of "evidence" and work it into a whole scenario that I imagine to be real and later turns out to be something totally false.

Refusing to let FEAR govern my reactions, thoughts, and dbing is practically a full time job in itself.

I have you one beat on the tax thing though.

We still have not filed our 2003 taxes, yeah you got that right, 2003 taxes because H won't do what He needs to do which is his business associated expense reports. He owns his own business so that is a huge problem. We filed two extensions but they expired in October 2004. It took my MIL to point it out to me that H doesn't want to look at the $ he spent on OW.

By H's own admission he has squandered 50,000 on her, paying for her living expenses for 2 years, all the fancy trips etc. Like someone else mentioned we need an emoticon that shows a barfy face.

I do not know what to due about the taxes. We shouldn't owe $ because of H's big business losses, but they still need to be done. I ask H about it every six weeks or so, but then he tells me he has been "busy."

Short of filing for a D or an S I feel powerless to get him to do what needs to be done and it isn't something I can do mysself as I don't have access to the needed business info.

What a mess.

Hang in there and concentrate on the here and now, not what is in the past.

Pam

[Livnlearn]

All this was going on around the same time that he was ranting and raving at me about the way I spent "his" money, about the $10 family room lamps from good will, on and on and on he raged at the time.

Deb

I am very glad I read this on your thread, because this is the kind of stuff H was throwing at me around the year before the bomb. I took it all very seriously (personally), as I was the stay at home parent, but I see now that this kind of stuff gets said even when both parents are working. The other thing is that if both parents work, and the wife does the major part of the housework and childcare chores (as is often the case), then she is not attentive enough! I don't think we can win in these situations...

Livnlearn

[sage]

I heard a teaching once on FEAR, which was described as F.alse E.vidence A.ppearing R.eal.

The devil (or even our own minds) loves to take tidbits and twist and turn them in our brains until we have many times made something out of nothing. We can or I can I should say, take a tiny peace of "evidence" and work it into a whole scenario that I imagine to be real and later turns out to be something totally false.

Refusing to let FEAR govern my reactions, thoughts, and dbing is practically a full time job in itself.

I really like this FEAR stuff! I think I'm going to plaster post-its all over the place with the acronym on it!

One thing I've learned for myself is that creating these FEAR based scenarios in my head and letting them run their course in my mind really takes a toll on my psyche and my emotions and on my body, I think. I don't think your brain/body fully knows that it's YOU creating the emotions and scenario and I think somehow this gets ingrained.

Hmmmm...I really needed this today!

sage

[debcb]

Pam, thanks! this is very helpful stuff...I'm also going to plaster it on sticky notes!!!!!

Livenlearn and Sage, Hi, thanks for stopping by....I'm going to try to post later this evening, I'm kinda all over the place, cant say for sure how I think things are going, I'm so busy at work I 'm not having a minute to post.

Debra, if you read this, I'm trying to get back to you on email, but I cant seem to get into my account right now. I'm thinking of you, hope to be in touch soon.

[debcb]

If anyone is out there to see this, I could use some help getting my head on straight tonight. I've had no time to post, and been really thinking about and trying to incorporate Pamila's FEAR information...it's very helpful, and I thought I was making progress........BUT THEN.....just before I left to pick S up from his afterschool/friends house, I was in the main office, and noticed that ow is signed up for vacation tomorrow. H is always off on Friday's. Then....I get there to pick up S, and he is hurt...got kneed in the nose wrestling (the joys of 12 year old boys). It looked bad to me, so we got in the car and drove straight to the Drs.. His nose is broken. not severly, but very swollen and painfully. She recommended he take it easy, no rough housing and should probably stay home from school tomorrow as he's going to be pretty sore (after the swelling goes down, we'll be going to an ENT). H was home when we got home, wanted to know what happened, what the verdict was....when I told him, he got irritable about the "not going to school" tomorrow part...said S shouldnt be missing school for something so inconsequential. sheesh!!!!!!!!! so of course, now I'm incredibly anxious that he has plans with ow tomorrow while I'm at work in the AM....all week he's been complaining about how terribly busy he is. That is exactly what he did the days earlier in the week before his christmas trip w/ow.
Somebody talk to me about any of this....

Last night I was going to post this and the computer wouldnt let me:thought I'd post for a minute, things are so busy I have no time to it seems. I'm not sure how things are going...I think ok, or even good, but my doubts and insecurities have really been creeping in and making it hard for me to stay on track, though. So far, thank the Lord, I've managed to do it, and today I feel a little better. not sure why.

The postings on fear and suggestions above are really helpful. I appreciate them so much, and of course if anyone who reads this has any insight, I'm always VERY eager for it....I have to go back almost a week, to last Thursday. I had to work late, and S had an evening school activity. That meant H had to take him. I cringed and dreaded asking him, because he used to throw fits and temper tantrums and be really angry about such things. This time he was pleasant...and it was no problem. I couldnt believe it. And, S said his dad was pleasant and had a good time and actually hung around for cookies and punch and talked to the other parents. He used to avoid such things like the plague, and gripe and moan about it if he couldnt get out of it. S said he was shocked, he doesnt think H has done such a thing since he was in 2nd grade. Could this be the beginning of true reconnection??????

Last Friday morning, I had to be on the road for work at 7:15 am....guess who initiated ML out of the blue at 6:15?????? weird, but fun. I don't know if he was "testing" or what, but he was happy and cheerful.

Saturday morning he did his usual "paperwork" time...I maybe "sorta" slipped, and he got a little irritated, but I'm not sure it was wrong or that I regret it....I told him I didnt like it that he had to go and that I wished he didnt have to. I didnt say anything else, but I just felt like I needed to let him know that it's NOT ok...

Saturday and Sunday were pretty quiet, not much going on, H was pretty "neutral", not up or down.

monday I had an anxious time, he had to pick me up at a mechanics shop, and when he walked in the door, I didnt even recognize him because he was wearing new/different sunglasses. I commented "oh, you have new glasses"...and he said a friend, a former best friend/male coworker who left, got them for him...I'm suspicious of that, because he never told me about them before, and I think he'd have mentioned it. My guess is she got them for his bday. I got a grip and let it go, and we had a pleasant conversation on the 1/2 hour drive home.

Tuesday night, H initiated ML....I sometimes wonder if it's just to throw me off the track or out of guilt, but I've read/heard that it's harder for guys to "fake it". Tuesday is the day he is in the same building as ow.

Last night when I picked up S from religion class, ow's D waited outside for her, ow drove up and picked the poor kid up as everyone was nearly gone. It occurred to me then that she has been doing this for several months now. It's actually been quite some time since she came inside and waited for her D...I guess she must for some reason not want to be around me...I don't know if that's because she knows she's won or because she doesnt want to be reminded of something that's painful. I want, of course, to believe that it's the later.

I was cleaning the kitchen yesterday, and found part of the cell phone bill in the trash. only 2 of 8 pages, none of the calls were listed on that page, but I did see that our calling totals (this was back in mid february) were like 65 minutes for our "home" area, which I think includes her,and about 20 minutes other wise, which was probably me calling our D....so evidently he is not calling her so much on the cell....
I've thought that he was taking the cordless phone into the garage and calling her in the mornings, but it was left laying on an end table by me last night, and still there this morning. So, he probably still goes to the basement computer room. The regular phone bill is still high.


last night he mentioned the possibility of us going together out of town the night before our anniversary, and taking S out of school, as he may attend a workshop that day. Does it sound like a good sign to anyone that he even mentioned it? I know 2 years ago he wouldnt have, that's the year he didnt even sign the card he gave me "love"....

I dont' know what to think, what to do tomorrow if he is w/ow....I've been clinging to his words from the end of Jan. that he "gave her up" and "you won" and from several weeks ago that I'm "not going to" lose him.......but still.....

I noticed today that the back of ow's suv is full of boxes....I've noticed for the last month or so that she's been collecting them. I wonder what that's about. It would be nice if she was moving. probably no such luck. maybe her D is going to live with her dad.
blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I hate this. FEAR and insecurity....I think I'm past them and then there they are again.