Hi Dawn, thanks. It helps to hear that somebody else has had the same experience. I think part of what made it so hard is it caught me off guard some what. I think in the back of my mind I knew it would be hard, and that's why I've put them off; but I was totally unprepared for the strong feelings of anguish and dispair and hopelessness that washed over me. In fact, I'm still amazed by it all as I think about it. Boy, things were bad last year. Really bad, obviously. and I was a mess. All that, and the feelings connected with it, came back in a literal Tsunami.
I guess there's a message there for those who are really struggling who might happen to read this....A year can make a huge difference, if you just can manage to hang in and hang on, one day and baby step at a time. Of course, as I write that, I recall that there were times when I was literally focused on just dealing with the next minute because a day seemed to hard. almost brings tears to my eyes just remembering it. I guess the scars are still pretty fresh.
Wow, I owe all of you here so much, I don't think I would have made it this far without your support and helpful ideas and insights. I KNOW I wouldnt have.
I keep reminding myself that I've read several times here that a person should "plan" on that it takes about a month for every year you've been married to "rebuild"...I figure that means 26 months, and so counting from when I started DBing, that's next February! It's weird, but somehow that helps me to feel that maybe things are going "ok" time-wise, although it seems like forever.
I have been wondering though, it seems like I am beginning to have more success since I made an absolute commitment to not say word 1 about A/ow/R/H's activities. I wonder why that is??????? it doesnt make a lot of sense to me. I wonder if my perception is accurate? have other experienced this? I guess it helps prove the old adage around here, "what you focus on expands, what you resist persists"
WHY would this be????? it seems so opposite to what one would expect. The only clue I have is when almost a year ago, H commented on what a great "strategy" it was (even before I was REALLY going all out with it) to not say/do anything because it made him have to stop and think about what he was doing. Does that make any sense? I'd love to figure out this little puzzle. maybe it is all "vibes".....
