Hi Dawn, I know what you mean about the rural roads. we actually live on a gravel road and people drive insanely on it, I have to admit. I don't know, I'll have to thinkg about riding to work on a bike. It sure would build in some exercise. I think I've figured an alternate route to the part that worries H the most, but that's a ways off to worry about. Plus, I'm not sure what S will be doing in the summer, and I need to get him from child care, that would be hard to do on a bike! he may spend part of the summer with D, though, so who knows.
Ellie and I both had "encounters"! And you are right, it was a rush. It kept a smile on my face the rest of the day.
Your story reminded me about my little cousin (5 years old) asking me if "that" (pointing to my husband) was my dad. I immediately grabbed her up, hugged her and told her that she was my favorite!
Hi Pam, so good to hear from you. I think it was Dawn that got asked out and Ellie who got hit on! I think I'm jealous of you gals!
I sometimes am not sure what to think of my sitch, (as per your comment that I'm further ahead on the Dbing path than you). Sometimes I think I'm/we're doing well, and then I am hit by doubts big time. not sure what to think. Most often now days I think it is my own unresolved issues that seem to trip me up, which causes things to backslide for us. Of course I fully believe ow is more than happy to do any little thing she can to get on my last good nerve. sigh
Maybe I need to just list out some positives again and focus on my goals.
No problem with the conversation, Dawn! it adds a lot of fun!
I don't have much time to post, but thought I'd throw out here that I'm having a kind of tough time today, and maybe even need a 2X4 to make sure I don't slip up.
I have just started to work on our taxes, NOT GOOD, but last night I was sorting through canceled checks, and now I realize why I have put off the taxes....it is very very difficult for me, because so many of the dates on checks cause me to recall things that were going on this time last year. checks I wrote on valentines when I was running around trying to get our "special evening" done at the last minute, all the while H was at ow's, after having lied to me about taking S to his folk's; checks I wrote for his birthday gifts, for which I got a thank you email, at about the same time ow was in his office celebrating with him, which I later found the email about what a great time she had doing it and how that was her favorite thing to do, which then about a week later I found an email from her that put me into tears, saying how "awestruck" she was to be "chosen as his partner"....the check I wrote when I stopped at the liqour store on the way home after pounding on ow's door when I found him shacked up there on Jan.2, under the guise of his hunting trip (one of several, but the last one, I know)....I was so p.o.'d, I remember thinking to hell with it all, i'm gonna get plastered and if I die of alcohol poisoning, oh well....then H shows up about 2 hours later and got mad at me for having booze!......
Then there are all the checks he wrote at the gas station where he gets gas/got phone cards (?), gets cash...I always wondered how he was covering her overdrafts, etc., I never paid much attention to the checkbook entries. Last night I realized that around valentines day, he spent 120.00 in 3 days at the "gas station", later, around the time of his birthday in early march, about the same amount in the same time; in late may/early june, which was the first "real" it's over for good story I heard, he spent 170 bucks in 5 days.
All this was going on around the same time that he was ranting and raving at me about the way I spent "his" money, about the $10 family room lamps from good will, on and on and on he raged at the time.
Frankly, I struggled alot before bed last night, with hurt and the anger that comes from feeling hurt. It was all I could do to keep from bringing it up, from dredging back through all that nasty crap. I had to talk to myself for hours about "let it go, it's the past, you can't change it or control it anyway, so let it go"....I just felt like crying.
I think he was probably on the phone with her this morning, I woke up just before his alarm went off...I did notice that he now gets up 1/2 hour later than he used to, but I got up to use the bathroom and didnt hear him down in the dining room, so he must have been in the basement on the phone with her. He brought coffee to me later while i was still in bed, and I thought he avoided looking at me, almost as if from guilt.
I've had an email from him this morning that I haven't responded to; last night when I got home from taking S to class, he was eager to "chat"...laughing and chatting about stuff at work...And this morning before work he was "kind of" chatty....he actually mentioned a workshop that he "should" go to but is thinking he won't because it's the weekend of our Anniversary.
so, somebody out there, if you have time to read this, help me get my head on straight. It is really tough. and probably going to be until I get the taxes done and can put these old reminders away. Have I just been fooling myself that things are better? Am I still being strung along?
Quote: so, somebody out there, if you have time to read this, help me get my head on straight. It is really tough. and probably going to be until I get the taxes done and can put these old reminders away. Have I just been fooling myself that things are better? Am I still being strung along?
Deb, things are much, much better in your sitch and the positives leap off the page all the time! Please don't let your unpleasant trip down memory lane cloud your vision and make you start looking under rocks again ("I thought he avoided looking at me, almost as if from guilt. " ) You will drive yourself into a frenzy and then REACT in a way that telegraphs the "same old, same old". Don't go there.
How can you make going thru the taxes easier on you? Can h help? Have you gotten thru the worst part? Remember that feelings are just feelings and DO NOT require action or reaction...ok?
What's working for you SO WELL is not bringing up ow and not questioning h and not poking at stuff...keep it up!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi Sage, thanks....you are right, and I needed to be reminded, feelings are just feelings and they don't have to be acted on.
I was surprised at how hard it was to have all those old memories come flooding in, and by how distinctly they were triggered by looking at those old checks. Amazed is more like it.
I guess another way to look at it, if I can get to that point, is that they are a very stark and definite sign of just how far we HAVE come....things ARE different now...in fact if I just remember to keep my focus on the "good stuff", there is a lot that I never would have believed possible a year ago.
S commented this morning about how H "talked and talked with you last night", an unsolicited observation based I think on the fact that the poor kid couldnt get a word in edge wise. I believe, though I didnt ask S because I don't want to involve him, that this is the type of convo H used to have w/ow that S would overhear...??????
Now that I think of it, H even mentioning our Anniversary and the fact that he would not go to a workshop that weekend is a big plus....in fact, it means that H brought up our Anniversary, albeit in a kind of round-about-way.
I think I'm about through with the sorting out of receipts/old checks; now it's mostly a matter of just adding stuff up...so hopefully that is the worst part of it.
Not bringing up anything at all does seem to be the most successful. In fact I did a lot of self-talk last night to remind myself of that. I can't figure out why that seems to make such a positive difference, it seems so counter intuitive, as does much of DBing. But it only makes sense to do more of what seems to work.
when I get time, I'm going to try to list out positives/improvements, some new/refocused goals, and answers to a question JJ asked me a long time ago: If you knew ow was gone from your lives for good and completely, what would you be doing differently than what you are now". I've thought and thought about that, some ideas have taken root, but it will be good/helpful I think to post them out here. It may be next week before i get much done, though.
I can not add anymore to the good advice that sage gave except to say that I know how you feel. I went through the same feelings last year and to a lesser degree this year. That old paper work can really dredge up some bad memories and so vividly too.
This year I worked on taxes while H was away from the house. This helped a lot. The year before he was in the house and I was not able to stop myself from letting off some steam. It did not work out well for either of us.
Just try your best to separate out old hurts from the positives you are living right now and try to concentrate on those positives!
I might have advised you to take breaks (even a day) between working on taxes BUT you are running short on time!
Hi Dawn, thanks. It helps to hear that somebody else has had the same experience. I think part of what made it so hard is it caught me off guard some what. I think in the back of my mind I knew it would be hard, and that's why I've put them off; but I was totally unprepared for the strong feelings of anguish and dispair and hopelessness that washed over me. In fact, I'm still amazed by it all as I think about it. Boy, things were bad last year. Really bad, obviously. and I was a mess. All that, and the feelings connected with it, came back in a literal Tsunami.
I guess there's a message there for those who are really struggling who might happen to read this....A year can make a huge difference, if you just can manage to hang in and hang on, one day and baby step at a time. Of course, as I write that, I recall that there were times when I was literally focused on just dealing with the next minute because a day seemed to hard. almost brings tears to my eyes just remembering it. I guess the scars are still pretty fresh.
Wow, I owe all of you here so much, I don't think I would have made it this far without your support and helpful ideas and insights. I KNOW I wouldnt have.
I keep reminding myself that I've read several times here that a person should "plan" on that it takes about a month for every year you've been married to "rebuild"...I figure that means 26 months, and so counting from when I started DBing, that's next February! It's weird, but somehow that helps me to feel that maybe things are going "ok" time-wise, although it seems like forever.
I have been wondering though, it seems like I am beginning to have more success since I made an absolute commitment to not say word 1 about A/ow/R/H's activities. I wonder why that is??????? it doesnt make a lot of sense to me. I wonder if my perception is accurate? have other experienced this? I guess it helps prove the old adage around here, "what you focus on expands, what you resist persists"
WHY would this be????? it seems so opposite to what one would expect. The only clue I have is when almost a year ago, H commented on what a great "strategy" it was (even before I was REALLY going all out with it) to not say/do anything because it made him have to stop and think about what he was doing. Does that make any sense? I'd love to figure out this little puzzle. maybe it is all "vibes".....
Quote: I have been wondering though, it seems like I am beginning to have more success since I made an absolute commitment to not say word 1 about A/ow/R/H's activities. I wonder why that is??????? it doesnt make a lot of sense to me. I wonder if my perception is accurate? have other experienced this? I guess it helps prove the old adage around here, "what you focus on expands, what you resist persists"
WHY would this be????? it seems so opposite to what one would expect. The only clue I have is when almost a year ago, H commented on what a great "strategy" it was (even before I was REALLY going all out with it) to not say/do anything because it made him have to stop and think about what he was doing. Does that make any sense? I'd love to figure out this little puzzle. maybe it is all "vibes".....
Here are some of the reasons I think it works in my sitch:
1. what you focus on expands
2. when I bring up ow it's after I've torqued myself up pretty badly...that means that I've spent precious energy focusing on the BAD instead of enhancing the good.
3. when I bring up ow, it creates a sense of hopelessness for both h and me.
4. when I bring up ow, it shouts "a lack of forgiveness" which is a killer of any R
5. when I focus on ow, I remind my BODY and my MIND what it feels like to be sad, victimized, depressed, etc...that translates into my actions, feelings, moods, etc...all of which translate into the way I treat h
6. not bringing up ow puts the responsibility back onto h for his behavior, his fidelity, his commitment to the m
I think most simply, though, for me...when I do stuff that makes me feel crappy, it makes me act crappy. And crap into a M makes for crap out of a M. ya know?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
this is very helpful/insightful, Sage (as you always are) I do have to ask about this:
Quote: 3. when I bring up ow, it creates a sense of hopelessness for both h and me.
WHY do you think this is? for the H i mean? The reason I ask it that 2 weeks ago, when I was feeling insecure and said as much, that H got irritated and said "It makes me feel hopeless when you say that"...I told him it wasnt anything in particular he had done, and he seemed to ease up a bit, but I am still puzzling over it in my mind....WHY would HE feel hopeless? to me it seems that he is the one who has control over the sitch, as I've told him EXACTLY what he could do to help me feel more secure (bug-off forever email to ow/cc'd to me, etc.,) and he refuses to do such. Why would anything I say or do make him feel hopeless when he is in the drivers seat?
And crap into a M makes for crap out of a M. ya know?