No problem with the conversation, Dawn! it adds a lot of fun!
I don't have much time to post, but thought I'd throw out here that I'm having a kind of tough time today, and maybe even need a 2X4 to make sure I don't slip up.
I have just started to work on our taxes, NOT GOOD, but last night I was sorting through canceled checks, and now I realize why I have put off the taxes....it is very very difficult for me, because so many of the dates on checks cause me to recall things that were going on this time last year. checks I wrote on valentines when I was running around trying to get our "special evening" done at the last minute, all the while H was at ow's, after having lied to me about taking S to his folk's; checks I wrote for his birthday gifts, for which I got a thank you email, at about the same time ow was in his office celebrating with him, which I later found the email about what a great time she had doing it and how that was her favorite thing to do, which then about a week later I found an email from her that put me into tears, saying how "awestruck" she was to be "chosen as his partner"....the check I wrote when I stopped at the liqour store on the way home after pounding on ow's door when I found him shacked up there on Jan.2, under the guise of his hunting trip (one of several, but the last one, I know)....I was so p.o.'d, I remember thinking to hell with it all, i'm gonna get plastered and if I die of alcohol poisoning, oh well....then H shows up about 2 hours later and got mad at me for having booze!......
Then there are all the checks he wrote at the gas station where he gets gas/got phone cards (?), gets cash...I always wondered how he was covering her overdrafts, etc., I never paid much attention to the checkbook entries. Last night I realized that around valentines day, he spent 120.00 in 3 days at the "gas station", later, around the time of his birthday in early march, about the same amount in the same time; in late may/early june, which was the first "real" it's over for good story I heard, he spent 170 bucks in 5 days.
All this was going on around the same time that he was ranting and raving at me about the way I spent "his" money, about the $10 family room lamps from good will, on and on and on he raged at the time.
Frankly, I struggled alot before bed last night, with hurt and the anger that comes from feeling hurt. It was all I could do to keep from bringing it up, from dredging back through all that nasty crap. I had to talk to myself for hours about "let it go, it's the past, you can't change it or control it anyway, so let it go"....I just felt like crying.
I think he was probably on the phone with her this morning, I woke up just before his alarm went off...I did notice that he now gets up 1/2 hour later than he used to, but I got up to use the bathroom and didnt hear him down in the dining room, so he must have been in the basement on the phone with her. He brought coffee to me later while i was still in bed, and I thought he avoided looking at me, almost as if from guilt.
I've had an email from him this morning that I haven't responded to; last night when I got home from taking S to class, he was eager to "chat"...laughing and chatting about stuff at work...And this morning before work he was "kind of" chatty....he actually mentioned a workshop that he "should" go to but is thinking he won't because it's the weekend of our Anniversary.
so, somebody out there, if you have time to read this, help me get my head on straight. It is really tough. and probably going to be until I get the taxes done and can put these old reminders away. Have I just been fooling myself that things are better? Am I still being strung along?
