guess I'll try to update my thread a little. I've been so busy there hasnt been a minute to do it. so, this goes clear back to good Friday...March 25, I believe. Lots going, I think most of it good, although I get to where I think I'm detached and then find out that I'm NOT!
Evidence of my non-detached state of mind came this morning, H smeared lotion all over his finger but didnt have his ring on as he left. I actually picked his hand up and looked at it. Didnt say a word though...I was probably a little cooler when he left the house, no ILY's from me this am, don't think he said any either. Remember he said it's over but ow asked him not to rub it in her face????I'm not sure how I'm supposed to believe that isnt just another lie on his part....and it frustrates me to high heaven that he worries so much about that darn b---h's feelings rather than mine. In fact, if I think about it too much it just plain makes me mad (so I don't think about it too much)

Guess thats my rant for the morning.

So, back to Good Friday, I went by myself to pick up S from staying with D. An 8 hour trip. (remember ow had to have h go with her for the same thing, same length of time, 2 days before christmas)...I didnt spend the night out of town by myself, as I still wasn't feeling very well, was incredibly tired. I asked h to go with me, he wouldnt....claimed he was going to stay home and "do paperwork" so we could have Saturday together....
Before I left, I noticed that H's wedding ring was again stuck part way on his finger smeared with lotion...he was getting ready to leave at the same time. I got a little tearful from disappointment, slipped up, told him I felt insecure and worried about us. H got irritated, said I make him "feel hopeless" when I say that. I still havent figured out HOW that makes HIM feel hopeless. I said "it isnt anything you've done, I just want everything to work out and for us to be good together". He held me and said "we are going to be fine"; I said "sometimes I still worry about losing you" (yep, huge faux pas, I know) and he said "you arent going to, I'm not going anywhere"...so I left, I guess H went somewhere, don't know if ow was at work, or had taken off to be with h...I don't check any more because it makes me crazy. H was home about noon though, because I called him about 12:15.
Saturday, we were home just "hanging out" all day; h initiated ML
Easter Sunday, we spent the day at his parents. H invited me to go for 2 walks with him (put in a good 5 miles that day). I have to believe his invitation to walk with him (twice even) is good, he never used to do that. I made sure to tell him thanks for the invitation and how much I enjoyed it that evening. I am trying to ALWAYS make a point of thanking him...and I see him responding in kind, I have to say.
Monday after easter...that morning i slipped up and commented on his ring not being "on"...seems like it was either not on or only part way on his finger. I asked him why he didnt whear it, and he started to get irritated, looked at me with an angry look, said "I do, it's hard to get on in the mornings because my hands swell up"...I dropped it, havent said anything since, but again I'm obviously not detached enough yet.
That night however, when he got home from work, he just sat down at the dining room table and talked and talked and talked. for over 2 hours. He just went down and did weights for a little bit that evening.
Tuesday night after his 12-hour day, he sat down at the table and talked all evening again. In bed that night, he laid on his back and I had my head on his shoulder, he held me that way, and we talked and talked, just jabbering like we used to when we were first married a life time ago ( I remember he used to tell me when he was tired to "go to sleep, this is not a life-long slumber party")but it was nice. that is a moment I treasure in my heart, and it's been a while since I've gotten many of those. Later he initiated ML...
Wednesday last week, I got 4 suggestive emails from him during the day; I have to say I loved it, I wish I could figure out how to make more of that happen with out making him feel "overwhelmed"... I couldnt HELP but notice that ow parked in my usual parking place...darn she's gutsy, I can't believe she isnt doing this to get a rise out of me...what I cant figure out is why she's trying to get to me like that. I saw her in the hall at work that day, and it struck me that she looked bitter, resentful, unhappy. I don't have a clue if it has to do with H/A or what.
When I got home from taking S to religion class, H asked if I wanted to watch some TV...I take this as an invitation to do something, even if it's teeny tiny. We talked about a science fiction book H liked, and he offered to loan it to me. later that evening, he actually went downstairs and got it and brought it up to me. This is new, he used to be hugely possesive of his "stuff", didnt want me anywhere near it, let alone using it. We were tired and went to sleep in spite of the earlier suggestive emails. 2 hours later he woke me up to ml, saying, "You didnt think you were going to just go to sleep, did you?". Afterwards, he held me, the old-time way, with my head on his shoulder and his arm around me. it seems to me that this is slowly coming back. ever so slowly, but he does this quite often now, and I've come to realize that he had stopped doing that YEARS ago. It's nice. very nice.

Thursday morning, I made a comment about the night before, how i'd wanted to ML but thought he wasnt in the mood so didnt initiate....H actually said he appreciated that, because sometimes he's afraid he can't keep up when I'm "aggressive" . This from the guy whose biggest complaint for years was that I was so disinterested in sex that it was killing of that part of our R (his exact words.
Thursday afternoon, we had to have our pony put to sleep, an awfully stressful thing. I had to handle it, and was so "shell-shocked" I just picked S up and some fast-food hamburgers, brought S and the burgers to my office, and S was here when H got off work and stopped by...usually S is at home. H actually sat down and ate hamburgers in my office with S and I...this is different during the height of the A, H would rush off to get on the phone w/ow. however, from the looks of the phone bill, he still spends a lot of time on the phone with her, I guess early morning. but still, for him to actually sit down in my office and not be in a hurry to leave seems like progress.

Saturday, I had to work in the morning, H said he was going to do paper work, of course, so I took S with me. h was home before we got home, and he seemed quiet and withdrawn, kind of sad, I thought when we went to church and afterwards he looked almost tearful. In fact I know he was about to cry. Have no clue why, it wasnt anything at home.

Sunday morning, H came back to bed after doing chores. he got up, started to get dressed, got undressed, got back in bed, initiated ml, and said he'd been wanting to do that since he saw me standing in the door the day before. I couldnt figure out what he was talking about, I thought it must have been sometime when I was undressed or something, but he said it was when I was walking into the living room, just wearing jeans and a t-shirt. So I guess it's hard to tell what is going to hit him when, but I take it as a good sign that he can still get "unexpectedly horny"....again, he held me with my head on his shoulder afterwards.f

Sometime over the week end, he was talking about the process of psychotherapy and mentioned how when therapy is "well done", the therapist does a good job, that not every problematic issue has to be "fixed", that if you are able to get the main one taken care of, other things start to fall into place, rather than it being a forever process of nit-picking everything to death. I remember so vividly Snodderly's comments about mlc'ers talking in "code" and my experiences in the past with learning to "listen between the lines" with H....and wonder if maybe he's telling me something.

Yesterday and this morning, ow is parked again in my parking place. I couldnt help notice that today H is parked clear over in the parking lot across from this building, the furtherest away, where he and ow parked next to each other so often. don't know if that says anything or not...except I know he was there first, and she could have parked over there by him. again, an example of detachment failure!

I was disappointed that H didnt have his ring on this morning, but didnt say anything. I did get an email from him at 9 asking how I was doing. I waited to answer until 10....


H has commented a couple of times lately that I have "foo foo" hair....it's layered and kind of flipped out (actually, i've considered it may be too similar to Paper Work's)...that he likes it better longer and straighter. Not sure what I'm going to do about that, if anything at all, just interesting. It is new for him to express any kind of opinion about such things.

I did buy a new dress that I can't decide if I want to keep, I mentioned that I needed to try it on to see what he thinks, and he said "I'm sure it looks nice, keep it if you want it"...that attitude is new also (I remember a year ago him throwing a temper tantrum/fit over the money I spent buying lamps for the family room at good will for 10 bucks apiece...I mean a huge furious fit, he was so angry I actually thought he was going to start throwing things or hitting he was so mad)...

One day this past weekend, I guess as I was going to work and taking S with me Saturday AM, I commented about how I wished this whole mess would get over with, that I was so tired of dealing with it and wondering about it that it really tries my patience. S12 commented, "well, I'll say one thing: this "thing" has really brought you two closer together, and brought us all closer together as a family"...I thought that was a very interesting unsolicited observation from a child. I recall mentioning that "I guess you've sure gotten a life-lesson in what NOT to do as a grown up" and he nodded solemnly.

So now you know the rest of the story.....

been around awhile!