ok, just a little "run by" here to see if this sounds like anything to anyone else...
last night I was just an emotional wreck, my instincts were to latch onto h and smother him...remember he'd said he was going for a walk, and I'm just really "raw" about stuff these days.
so, to try to maintain my composure, I made plans for something for me to do. I bought some blonde hair bleache to try to give myself more definite highlights (didnt work, but that's not the point of the story). H saw the box and about had a coniption..."it will look weird, it never looks right, if god had meant for you to have blonde hair he'd have made it that way....I kided around with him, saying oh, come on, it will give you something to look forward to, when you get back from your walk you'll have a hot blonde waiting here for you" he was kinda nervous, I could tell, finally said well, it's up to you, don't do or not do anything on my say so"...(of course, ow has had dark brown hair she bleached blonde, and i notice now she's slowly darkening it???????don't know what that means, if anything)
so when H got home, I'd just done a test streak to see what it would do to the color, but I was prepared, I had the base color all missed and ready to cover up the streak if I needed to, every thing sitting out on the vanity in the downstairs bath. he went in to the bathroom, came out and said "what on earth are you doing? there's enough war paint in there to do a whole tribe!" I said "I thought I'd turn my hair into marilyn monroe's, I'm having a mid-life crisis. But it's my crisis, and I can have one if I want to!"
Now here's the part that I think MIGHT have been kind of telling as to where his mind is at: H replied "well, I guess you can, I've had one. Or am having one". I said "oh?" kind of surprised like, and he said "i'm having a hard time facing spending the rest of my life in this job"....and I don't remember exactly where we went from there...BUT, I was shocked that H said "I had one/am having one" in reference to mlc....a couple of months ago he blew up and yelled at me when I slipped and mentioned such a possibility. I think at the least he must have come to the conclusion that that is at least partly what's going on with him. AND, he said he was having trouble coming to terms with staying with his job, NOT with me/our family.
I don't know, he honestly is warm and affectionate and caring. If I just KNEW ow was gone gone gone, I would be pretty happy with the way things are...still wanting to tweak some small things, but generally happy.
This afternoon in an email, h made another reference that made me think MAYBE he is beginning the reconnection phase. We have a pony, the pony is getting kind of old, and he seems to be sick. the vet is supposed to look at him today...I commented that I hate to see the pony feeling so icky. H emailed back that yes, it is sad, he's been A PART OF OUR FAMILY FOREVER, and then asked if the pony is older than D (actually he's about a year younger).
Also within the last week H asked "do I get some of these neat pictures for my office?" meaning the ones we had taken at xmas. I told him sure, and asked which ones he wanted, and he said he especially liked the one of S & D....not so long ago, he didnt want ANY family pics in his office.
I know I'm whistling in the dark here, but does this sound like "good stuff" to anyone else?
