Deb, It seems your H is confused right now which is a good thing. At least he is not sure what he wants which means he is weighing his options. It still may be awhile before he decides. In the mean time be the best you you can be. Let him see the woman he fell in love with. You've come along way so hang in there a little longer. Good Luck.
My thread: Surviving the Big D - Learning to live III
I was hospital-sitting with my niece beginning Weds. morning. (Seems like eons ago!) I have caught up on some sleep and am trying to catch up on the bb (you) before I run out again. I must admit that I read your posts really quickly but I am thinking that I must be missing something....I am not sure why you are upset. I apologize for not understanding and I will re-read when I have time.
Is it possible (and truly, I am not going to the "old fallback" position here) that hormones could be playing a role in your current mood? I ask because I know that this is always a factor with me. And at times even KNOWING that it is the reason for my behavior can not stop me from spinning.
Give yourself a break, hon. Relax this week and enjoy your life. Don't put too much pressure on yourself (and your H) this week. Expectations can really kill the mood. Just be your kind and loving self and RELAX!
I think that you will know if the time is right to try out the sheer shirt. If you do, wear it for all it is worth and show all the confidence you have. Your confidence will be the thing that really turns him on!
Hi Randy, thanks for stopping by, I appreciate your input. I know my H has been very confused, and it seems to me like for a very long time. I think part of what gets me worked up it that sometimes I hope that he has made up his mind, well thats not exactly it. what gets me worked up is that he tells me he has made up his mind....that is is over w/ow, that he is not leaving, that we are doing well and will be ok. I am afraid to let myself believe him is the gist of the problem. Then he gets upset and angry that I don't/can't believe him, and goes off the deep end that I will never be able to forgive him and get over it and he will have to hear about it for the rest of his life, and he can't live with that. Yet, he's not been able to do the things that I think would move me through the tough spot....so, I don't know, I just keep trying to hang on and hang in, but sometimes, especially when I'm kind of emotional, the hurt does come flooding back, and it's hard for me to shut is down, but at this point that is what I have to do to be able to get on with stuff.
I will try to get your thread checked out. I'm not very good at posting to others these days it seems. Kinda wrapped up in my own mess, I guess. I do think of you, and So MUCH appreciate your input.
hi Dawn, its good to hear from you. How is your niece doing? I hope it isnt anything too serious.
Honestly, your "fall back" position is helpful, so it's ok for you to go there. I think hormones are a huge part of the problem right now, I just have a hard time recognizing and remembering that, and of course it makes it harder to keep myself in check. That has to be what it is, because honestly, there is no other reason for me to be upset. H has been pleasant, fun, considerate, loving, and still I feel weepy and whiny and clingy and this has been building for 2 weeks, I'd guess. I do better when I'm on prozac the last 2 weeks of my cycle, but it's been so irregular for the last year, I hardly ever know when the last 2 weeks is. I guess maybe i'll need to stay on it all the time, although I honestly do ok without it 2 weeks of the month. Of course never ever having to see ow again wouldnt hurt either (the b---h is parked right next to me, I mean the next parking stall, today. hmmmmm, hard to believe that one is unintentional. I was there first!) oh well.
H tells me he goes to work on the weekends, I just have such a hard time believing him. I manage to "act as if" and use thought stoping to deal with it, but it's extremely hard this time of month. but I have to do it, I know my clingyness drives him nuts, and frankly I can't blame him. I make myself nuts! ick!
However, I think something sort of important MAY have happened last night...I'll make a seperate post so this one isnt so long, but I'd sure take any opinions anyone had to offer.
ok, just a little "run by" here to see if this sounds like anything to anyone else...
last night I was just an emotional wreck, my instincts were to latch onto h and smother him...remember he'd said he was going for a walk, and I'm just really "raw" about stuff these days.
so, to try to maintain my composure, I made plans for something for me to do. I bought some blonde hair bleache to try to give myself more definite highlights (didnt work, but that's not the point of the story). H saw the box and about had a coniption..."it will look weird, it never looks right, if god had meant for you to have blonde hair he'd have made it that way....I kided around with him, saying oh, come on, it will give you something to look forward to, when you get back from your walk you'll have a hot blonde waiting here for you" he was kinda nervous, I could tell, finally said well, it's up to you, don't do or not do anything on my say so"...(of course, ow has had dark brown hair she bleached blonde, and i notice now she's slowly darkening it???????don't know what that means, if anything)
so when H got home, I'd just done a test streak to see what it would do to the color, but I was prepared, I had the base color all missed and ready to cover up the streak if I needed to, every thing sitting out on the vanity in the downstairs bath. he went in to the bathroom, came out and said "what on earth are you doing? there's enough war paint in there to do a whole tribe!" I said "I thought I'd turn my hair into marilyn monroe's, I'm having a mid-life crisis. But it's my crisis, and I can have one if I want to!"
Now here's the part that I think MIGHT have been kind of telling as to where his mind is at: H replied "well, I guess you can, I've had one. Or am having one". I said "oh?" kind of surprised like, and he said "i'm having a hard time facing spending the rest of my life in this job"....and I don't remember exactly where we went from there...BUT, I was shocked that H said "I had one/am having one" in reference to mlc....a couple of months ago he blew up and yelled at me when I slipped and mentioned such a possibility. I think at the least he must have come to the conclusion that that is at least partly what's going on with him. AND, he said he was having trouble coming to terms with staying with his job, NOT with me/our family.
I don't know, he honestly is warm and affectionate and caring. If I just KNEW ow was gone gone gone, I would be pretty happy with the way things are...still wanting to tweak some small things, but generally happy.
This afternoon in an email, h made another reference that made me think MAYBE he is beginning the reconnection phase. We have a pony, the pony is getting kind of old, and he seems to be sick. the vet is supposed to look at him today...I commented that I hate to see the pony feeling so icky. H emailed back that yes, it is sad, he's been A PART OF OUR FAMILY FOREVER, and then asked if the pony is older than D (actually he's about a year younger).
Also within the last week H asked "do I get some of these neat pictures for my office?" meaning the ones we had taken at xmas. I told him sure, and asked which ones he wanted, and he said he especially liked the one of S & D....not so long ago, he didnt want ANY family pics in his office.
I know I'm whistling in the dark here, but does this sound like "good stuff" to anyone else?
I know I'm whistling in the dark here, but does this sound like "good stuff" to anyone else?
Deb,Deb,Deb -- I swear, I'm going to force you to start listing these positives yourself!!!
1. h mentions he's having a midlife crisis (good recognition on his part and also disclosure)
2. h shares his concerns about his job and the way he feels about it (good disclosure but also suggests that he's viewing other things as a source of discomfort)
3. h refers to "our family"
4. h asks for pictures for his OFFICE (which, I recall, is close to ow?) -- hmmmm, I **think** this is positive but I can't quite put my finger on why
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I think that sage said it all.....what else is there? LOL
My niece is doing fine. She was much happier at home than in the hospital. Getting her home seemed to do the trick! (She must get that from me. LOL)
I think it was telling that h opened up about MLC when he thought that you were struggling too. It is always much easier to admit our weaknesses to those who have the same ones. Make sense? However, I do not think that this is a road you should travel (MLC or faking MLC) in order to have something in common with h. Just thought it was curious. (You never want to get into a MLC contest with a true MLCer...LOL...you will lose.)
HOPEFULLY I will have a chance to post tomorrow. I've been so busy, I havent posted in almost 2 weeks. amazing. there's been a lot going on, I'm sticking to my goal of not mentioning anything for 6 months and after a reassessment of the sitch, but I think I'm seeing some changes in H, in fact a week ago he took me in his arms, and said "we will be fine"...and that I wasnt going to lose him. I believe he was sincere. now, I have to admit my resolve is being sorely tested. b---h ow is now parking in MY parking space at work every chance she gets
tune in tomorrow for more of "As the Stomach Turns"
guess I'll try to update my thread a little. I've been so busy there hasnt been a minute to do it. so, this goes clear back to good Friday...March 25, I believe. Lots going, I think most of it good, although I get to where I think I'm detached and then find out that I'm NOT! Evidence of my non-detached state of mind came this morning, H smeared lotion all over his finger but didnt have his ring on as he left. I actually picked his hand up and looked at it. Didnt say a word though...I was probably a little cooler when he left the house, no ILY's from me this am, don't think he said any either. Remember he said it's over but ow asked him not to rub it in her face????I'm not sure how I'm supposed to believe that isnt just another lie on his part....and it frustrates me to high heaven that he worries so much about that darn b---h's feelings rather than mine. In fact, if I think about it too much it just plain makes me mad (so I don't think about it too much)
Guess thats my rant for the morning.
So, back to Good Friday, I went by myself to pick up S from staying with D. An 8 hour trip. (remember ow had to have h go with her for the same thing, same length of time, 2 days before christmas)...I didnt spend the night out of town by myself, as I still wasn't feeling very well, was incredibly tired. I asked h to go with me, he wouldnt....claimed he was going to stay home and "do paperwork" so we could have Saturday together.... Before I left, I noticed that H's wedding ring was again stuck part way on his finger smeared with lotion...he was getting ready to leave at the same time. I got a little tearful from disappointment, slipped up, told him I felt insecure and worried about us. H got irritated, said I make him "feel hopeless" when I say that. I still havent figured out HOW that makes HIM feel hopeless. I said "it isnt anything you've done, I just want everything to work out and for us to be good together". He held me and said "we are going to be fine"; I said "sometimes I still worry about losing you" (yep, huge faux pas, I know) and he said "you arent going to, I'm not going anywhere"...so I left, I guess H went somewhere, don't know if ow was at work, or had taken off to be with h...I don't check any more because it makes me crazy. H was home about noon though, because I called him about 12:15. Saturday, we were home just "hanging out" all day; h initiated ML Easter Sunday, we spent the day at his parents. H invited me to go for 2 walks with him (put in a good 5 miles that day). I have to believe his invitation to walk with him (twice even) is good, he never used to do that. I made sure to tell him thanks for the invitation and how much I enjoyed it that evening. I am trying to ALWAYS make a point of thanking him...and I see him responding in kind, I have to say. Monday after easter...that morning i slipped up and commented on his ring not being "on"...seems like it was either not on or only part way on his finger. I asked him why he didnt whear it, and he started to get irritated, looked at me with an angry look, said "I do, it's hard to get on in the mornings because my hands swell up"...I dropped it, havent said anything since, but again I'm obviously not detached enough yet. That night however, when he got home from work, he just sat down at the dining room table and talked and talked and talked. for over 2 hours. He just went down and did weights for a little bit that evening. Tuesday night after his 12-hour day, he sat down at the table and talked all evening again. In bed that night, he laid on his back and I had my head on his shoulder, he held me that way, and we talked and talked, just jabbering like we used to when we were first married a life time ago ( I remember he used to tell me when he was tired to "go to sleep, this is not a life-long slumber party")but it was nice. that is a moment I treasure in my heart, and it's been a while since I've gotten many of those. Later he initiated ML... Wednesday last week, I got 4 suggestive emails from him during the day; I have to say I loved it, I wish I could figure out how to make more of that happen with out making him feel "overwhelmed"... I couldnt HELP but notice that ow parked in my usual parking place...darn she's gutsy, I can't believe she isnt doing this to get a rise out of me...what I cant figure out is why she's trying to get to me like that. I saw her in the hall at work that day, and it struck me that she looked bitter, resentful, unhappy. I don't have a clue if it has to do with H/A or what. When I got home from taking S to religion class, H asked if I wanted to watch some TV...I take this as an invitation to do something, even if it's teeny tiny. We talked about a science fiction book H liked, and he offered to loan it to me. later that evening, he actually went downstairs and got it and brought it up to me. This is new, he used to be hugely possesive of his "stuff", didnt want me anywhere near it, let alone using it. We were tired and went to sleep in spite of the earlier suggestive emails. 2 hours later he woke me up to ml, saying, "You didnt think you were going to just go to sleep, did you?". Afterwards, he held me, the old-time way, with my head on his shoulder and his arm around me. it seems to me that this is slowly coming back. ever so slowly, but he does this quite often now, and I've come to realize that he had stopped doing that YEARS ago. It's nice. very nice.
Thursday morning, I made a comment about the night before, how i'd wanted to ML but thought he wasnt in the mood so didnt initiate....H actually said he appreciated that, because sometimes he's afraid he can't keep up when I'm "aggressive" . This from the guy whose biggest complaint for years was that I was so disinterested in sex that it was killing of that part of our R (his exact words. Thursday afternoon, we had to have our pony put to sleep, an awfully stressful thing. I had to handle it, and was so "shell-shocked" I just picked S up and some fast-food hamburgers, brought S and the burgers to my office, and S was here when H got off work and stopped by...usually S is at home. H actually sat down and ate hamburgers in my office with S and I...this is different during the height of the A, H would rush off to get on the phone w/ow. however, from the looks of the phone bill, he still spends a lot of time on the phone with her, I guess early morning. but still, for him to actually sit down in my office and not be in a hurry to leave seems like progress.
Saturday, I had to work in the morning, H said he was going to do paper work, of course, so I took S with me. h was home before we got home, and he seemed quiet and withdrawn, kind of sad, I thought when we went to church and afterwards he looked almost tearful. In fact I know he was about to cry. Have no clue why, it wasnt anything at home.
Sunday morning, H came back to bed after doing chores. he got up, started to get dressed, got undressed, got back in bed, initiated ml, and said he'd been wanting to do that since he saw me standing in the door the day before. I couldnt figure out what he was talking about, I thought it must have been sometime when I was undressed or something, but he said it was when I was walking into the living room, just wearing jeans and a t-shirt. So I guess it's hard to tell what is going to hit him when, but I take it as a good sign that he can still get "unexpectedly horny"....again, he held me with my head on his shoulder afterwards.f
Sometime over the week end, he was talking about the process of psychotherapy and mentioned how when therapy is "well done", the therapist does a good job, that not every problematic issue has to be "fixed", that if you are able to get the main one taken care of, other things start to fall into place, rather than it being a forever process of nit-picking everything to death. I remember so vividly Snodderly's comments about mlc'ers talking in "code" and my experiences in the past with learning to "listen between the lines" with H....and wonder if maybe he's telling me something.
Yesterday and this morning, ow is parked again in my parking place. I couldnt help notice that today H is parked clear over in the parking lot across from this building, the furtherest away, where he and ow parked next to each other so often. don't know if that says anything or not...except I know he was there first, and she could have parked over there by him. again, an example of detachment failure!
I was disappointed that H didnt have his ring on this morning, but didnt say anything. I did get an email from him at 9 asking how I was doing. I waited to answer until 10....
H has commented a couple of times lately that I have "foo foo" hair....it's layered and kind of flipped out (actually, i've considered it may be too similar to Paper Work's)...that he likes it better longer and straighter. Not sure what I'm going to do about that, if anything at all, just interesting. It is new for him to express any kind of opinion about such things.
I did buy a new dress that I can't decide if I want to keep, I mentioned that I needed to try it on to see what he thinks, and he said "I'm sure it looks nice, keep it if you want it"...that attitude is new also (I remember a year ago him throwing a temper tantrum/fit over the money I spent buying lamps for the family room at good will for 10 bucks apiece...I mean a huge furious fit, he was so angry I actually thought he was going to start throwing things or hitting he was so mad)...
One day this past weekend, I guess as I was going to work and taking S with me Saturday AM, I commented about how I wished this whole mess would get over with, that I was so tired of dealing with it and wondering about it that it really tries my patience. S12 commented, "well, I'll say one thing: this "thing" has really brought you two closer together, and brought us all closer together as a family"...I thought that was a very interesting unsolicited observation from a child. I recall mentioning that "I guess you've sure gotten a life-lesson in what NOT to do as a grown up" and he nodded solemnly.
