suddenly I feel like I'm not able to look at our sitch very objectively. I had felt for a while like we were doing pretty well, makeing a lot of progress even. now I'm not so sure, and i'm not sure why I'm not so sure. nothing has really happened at all....in fact it seems like most the of "tangible" evidence is very good.
There are teeny tiny little "things" that pre-bomb I would have never even noticed, like him being on the computer, suggesting I could take a nap this evening, saying he was going to take a walk.
I've been asking myself why those little things get me so stirred up now, and I guess I'm still really gun-shy. When the A was really HOT the summer of 03 ( I can't believe it's been that long) H would mention I should just "rest", or "take a nap" when he was sneaking off to see ow. I realized that a year ago last Wednesday was when he asked me to take S to religious ed classes instead of him doing it, and then a year ago today he volunteered again to do it himself...I told him then I had it covered and have continued to do it, but then and still now in the back of my mind is the niggling worry that they are still meeting up on Wednesday nights. A year ago tomorrow will be the day (another one) I discovered he'd been gone from work all afternoon, and suspected (still believe) he was doing something w/ow. he told me at the time he'd gone home sick, and that he wasnt seeing her, but I never believed any of it, and it turned out that he was still seeing her.
I am shocked at how much I still struggle with this.
Would you think if he'd been on email with her monday night he'd have had the door closed to the computer room?
Do you think his leaving workshop certificates laying around, etc., is an effort to reassure me????
I can understand from his point of view though how controlling and intrusive it would seem if I ASK him about going for a walk or to see ow....so I'm really between a rock and a hard place.
he has seemed happier and more at peace lately, it's hard to put a finger on it, but that is just my impression. my "gut instinct" I guess. They are seldom wrong when they are negative, why do I have such a hard time believing them when they are more positive??????
