Guess I'll update, I havent posted since the end of last week and i was back to page 2 or 3. As always, I'm whistling in the dark, but maybe not feeling the need to post constantly is a good thing. I can sure use input though, as always.

so, lets see....Last Friday I was off work, took the day off at the last minute to see D and SIL...It was a good day and a bad day. I still have moments of frantic anxiety set off by little things H does that quite likely have nothing to do w/ow.

I had been scheduled to be out of town for a meeting all day on Friday. Thursday night, H asked me what "all the work the you have to do tomorrow" and seemed surprised when I told him I'd taken the day off...ow alert, of course.

Friday am we ml at H's initiation when we woke up... around lunch, D and SIL went to visit S at his school, I was planning to run errands a little later. H said he was "going to get gas" and would be back "in a few minutes", that he didnt want any lunch then....another ow alert....I can only hope they are unfounded, I am still committed to not saying a word about any of it until at least June, and SO FAR I've managed not to since the end of January. an hour later, H wasnt home, and I was getting so increasingly anxious I decided to just....leave and go shopping. So I did. I went and got my hair cut and some waxing done, then I went and bought 2 dresses, 3 shirts and 2 pairs of shoes and a pair of pants. Nothing like a little retail therapy, although spending the $ wasnt the best thing to do. However, I needed some spring stuff, and it did help ease my anxiety. D and SIL were home and made a cheese cake long before I got home...don't know what time every one got back, but H had been home as he found some of the supplies for them. H was kind of upset that I was gone so long (of course he was starved, he has never been able to feed himself it seems, and complaining that he'd only eaten a peanut butter sandwich)...said he didnt dream I'd be gone so long....don't know if it's good or bad, I don't want to get back into what he interpreted as my "not giving a damn" behaviors, but I must find a way to deal w/my anxiety if I'm going to be successful in keeping my hands off the rope. Plus...it's more of a step in the GAL goal.

to his credit, it does take at least 1/2 hour to get gas, and he talked about having to wait forever due to the crowd (town was busy, I know) and that he helped an old couple who couldn't figure out how to work the gas pumps and then he stopped at a store to check out what new dvd's might be out. He offered this explanation with out being asked, although I had commented that I'd been sorry not to get to tell him good bye before I left. I remember when he used to disapear, he never really had any explanation, and would get quite angry. Of course other times, he's had them all thought out in great detail, this one seemed more "natural" in the way he said it, if that makes sense. So, I hope he's being truthful.

Saturday am, H came back to bed and initiated ml again. Also on Saturday, we had 15 family members in for lunch to celebrate H's B-day and to visit w/D and SIL. it was pleasant and H seemed to enjoy it. In fact he thanked me later that evening for the nice lunch and the party. We went to a later church service, so I didnt have to see ow, although that wasnt the reason we went.

S, D and SIL are gone, S went home w/D & her H....so we are on our own this week. Which would be great, except of course it never fails, my period had to start....I swear the devil likes to throw all kinds of obstacles in my path.

Sunday morning, H said he had to go to work, since he didnt on Saturday. he left about his usual time...I was sort of disappointed that he went....trying to keep the ow sirens off....but I was really tired and just slept about 2 of the 4 hours he was gone. Before he left, he crawled on his knees again across to my side of the bed, kissed me good bye and said again "thanks for the party, it was great".

Sunday afternoon, I wound up going shopping again, trying to find a place to get some shoes dyed to match a dress I bought...no luck...but H was kind of unhappy I was gone so long....commented "I couldnt figure out what was taking you so long"....
I don't know if it's good or bad that he comments about this.

I decided to try highlighting my own hair (fair results) on Sunday evening. I couldnt do the back and asked H if he would help. I asked ahead of time and then dropped the subject, didnt know how he'd respond. At one time he'd have pitched a fit if I asked him to do such a thing. a couple of hours later he said "I'll help you with your hair if you want me to"...so later that evening, there we were with H wearing rubber gloves and putting highlight mixture in the back of my hair. Actually the part he did turned out better than the part I did.

At one point that evening I was kinda anxious, not sure why, except I think my anxiety level goes up about 10X during my period. I was thinking about all the hard stuff, the betrayals, etc., and in the midst of a hug, I slipped up and asked if he thought we were doing ok...he replied, and I believe he was sincere, that "yes, we're doing ok"...I told him I thought we'd been doing really well before we both got sick a month ago, and he agreed. Baby steps????

I asked him to go with me to pick up S this Friday, told him I had committed to doing it and would like him to go, but if he chose not to, I could deal with it. He replied "let's see what I have going" I wasnt sure how to take that, and had to quiet the ow alert again. i told him yesterday that I would like for him to go with me...he replied "i'll have to see how I feel"...his antibiotics are finished and he says he feels like his sinus infection is coming back. of course, ow alert started to beep, but I'm not going to bring it up again. He knows how I feel, so I'll see what happens

Last night I had a really hard time for a while...He was down stairs working out, I was hemming a pair of pants for him. I went downstairs to ask him if he wanted cuffs in them, and darned if he wasnt on the computer....ow alert was screaming then....however, he was just sitting there in the chair at the computer with the door open, It occured to me that he would have most likely closed the door if he was on with her, (I would think?) and perhaps he was trying to reassure me by leaving it open. He did get up and come over and hug and kiss me...I can't help but wonder if that was just to distract me. BUT it seemed "different" than times he has been w/ow....It's hard to describe, but there is something "uptight" about him at those times. He seemed "natural" this time. I came SO close to asking him about it but STILL MANAGED to NOT SAY ONE WORD. Later I was really glad I managed not to, it occurred to me how frustrating it would have to be to get the "third degree" all the time. And of course it would remind him of her every time.

After the last workshop he was at a couple of weeks ago, he left his certificate laying on the table for a while. I wondered if this was also a way of providing reassurance. I don't know, can only hope, but it seemed to be "purposeful"...

last night I gave him a hug and told him ILY...he commented that it was only the 3rd time I'd told him that...I laughed and asked if he acutally counts...he said yes, he does, and I think he was serious. I asked if he counts to see if I say it so much I'm obnoxious or if I don't say it enough, and he said "neither, I'm just a trained observer collecting data" I asked what good data was if you werent going to draw any conclusions from it, and he didn't reply. But he actually counts how many times I say ILY...weird, WHY would he do that????

I noticed however, that yesterday morning and this morning, he said ILY before I did. That always makes me happy.

Last night he initiated ml again, I guess that's good....I believe that's 3x in 5 days, so there has to be something there, I'd think. I hope.

I had an email from him at work today that he hates being here on Tuesdays because he doesnt really have an office, just has to find an "open" one to work in. he said how unwanted here that makes him feel. That was kind of touching. I tried to just validate how frustrated he must feel.

I made him some cookies from scratch Sunday. First time in years I've done that....I think I'm going to try to start doing that again. Since ow doesnt cook AT ALL, and H loves to eat, it cant' hurt. i think I may start sewing again. I used to do that a lot, and that is something else I havent done for years. I certainly have enough to do to get several lives, obviously. ....

So, I don't know, I think things are progressing inspite of possible continued contact w/ow...I honestly don't know what's going on there because I've been working SO HARD to focus on other "stuff"....I can only hope.

I keep remembering the comments in the Conway MLC book about how badly guys in mlc need/are looking for a gf, so I'm seriously considering doing something outrageous while S is gone. I may have on a see-through top when he comes home tomorrow, but act "as if" it is a regular shirt, and string a trail of candy kisses on the floor leading to a card that says "I kiss the ground you walk on".... I know it sounds really corny, but I just get the impression that he so much craves feeling important and special right now, that maybe it wouldnt be a totally stupid thing to do. An experiment, I guess. I'm kind of curious to see how he'll react.

I have a feeling ow will be here at this job forever. I was in an administrative meeting today and they were talking about how new computer software has greatly improved the med-staff efficiency, which was what she was in hot water over. darn it.

hmmmmmm, any bets on how H will respond if I have on a see through shirt with a pair of regular jeans when he comes home tomorrow?????? This is going to take some nerve for me to try....I did have a store order me a self-adhesive bra this weekend though, gotta flaunt what I can!

been around awhile!