Hi Randy, Thanks. I swear, I am never really sure of what to do. I do believe he really thought I didnt care about him/want him, so it's important to let him know, BUT i know that you're on target that I can over do it. I guess maybe I need to take that cough medicine...it will back me off in a hurry! LOL...
I am hoping it's a good sign that he actually made a move to have supper w/S....and that he wasnt all "google-eyed" watching ow in church. I might have urped if I had to watch that again! I swear I think she shows up for manipulation value!!!!!
However, I did stay backed off on that, other than asking him if he needed to leave because he said he felt ill, I had no response to it at all...I acted "as if" it was the same as always, which is a 180 for me when my brain is screaming...why is she here? did you call her this morning? what is the sitch between you? when are you going to end this for good? Why didnt you end it long ago? why cant you see what a lying manipulative b---h she is, when are the going to fire her...and on and on and on.... I didnt say a word, didnt even act weird, if I do say so myself.
Deb, Good for you on controlling your actions. I know what you mean by having all those thoughts. I am the same as you. My mind wanders all the time.
I still ahve so many unanswered questions and need to know things only we have no contact. She hung up on me Christmas day and I have no Idea why. We didn't argue or anything.
i just ask if I could bring SD present by. I said I would leave it on her door step so she would not have to see me. She said if that is what you want to do. Then hung up. I have not tried to contact her since.
Hang in there, I think you are in a good position to get him back. Good luck.
I think that you handled yourself soooo very well in church. It even sounded like it was natural for you....that must be all that "acting as if" sinking in! I was very relieved to hear that h wasn't "moony" again. I would take being sick to his stomach over that any day! The illness probably stems from his guilt. Or maybe God was punishing him...LOL...afterall, he was in His house. (Got to laugh sometimes!)
I guess that just like a teen, your h's emotions will be up and down for quite a while. Try your best to ride it out and keep venting here when ever you need to. And, of course, keep up with your GAL plans.
I still see a lot of positives in your situation! I know at times that I just want to jump through this screen and shake your h until he's over it...I am sure you do too!...but that won't get him to the end of his journey any faster.
I am rolling along with my h's emotions also. Sometimes I just want to yell, "let me off". I keep thinking about this as a "baking" process and I am wondering if I am going to like what comes out of the oven when he is done....ugh.
I've been so busy today I havent had a minute to post. Thought I'd make some notes, though, and as always I appreciate ANYTHING anyone else "sees" in this sitch. Thank you, Randy and Dawn, for sharing with me! I have to laugh Dawn, I was perfectly happy to settle for H being sick when ow came into the room, other than all "moony/swooney" and ga-ga lovesick looking at her. If SHE happens to make him sick, because of guilt or what ever, ALL THE BETTER in my book, although I have this sneaky suspicion it's just the remnant of this "bug" we've had. Still, ANY negative association w/ow is better than a positive or none, right ; Now if I can just conjure up some way to make H feel sick everytime he sees her!!!!!
So, last night, H had some kind of irritable temper flare-ups. It struck me that he honestly acts a lot like some one who is trying to give up smoking, or some such thing. I can only hope it's related to trying to give up ow.
he just seemed kind of "edgy", yet pleasant enough for supper. I stopped by the house at noon and threw some barbequed brisket in the oven, so my "guys" (H and S) were able to have one of their favorite foods for Monday nite supper...H thanked me for that, and said he appreciated it. He was going to go to the basement to workout ( I notice he is beginning to spend more time doing that, another sign of trying to get over/give up ow?) and I gave him a hug before he left. I said something suggestive/flirty (dont recall what) and he responded likewise, I told him to be careful, because I never run from a challenge, and he got "handsy" (we were in the laundry room, in private)...then he pulled me into the nearby bathroom, and got more "handsy". THAT was a BAD idea because that bath is more of a powder room, way too tiny for ANY activity....and it just didnt work at all. H got irritated, angry and upset...he gets so frustrated if "things" don't work these days, the whole thing is odd, because it's weird for it not to work, and I'm not sure whats going on...So, anyway, we just called it off and he went on to work out. THEN, evidently his treadmill kept shorting out or something, starting and stopping, and H began to throw the most awful yelling, cussing temper tantrums. I just kept on doing what I was doing upstairs, didnt respond, it seemed wisest just to let him blow off steam. I showered and put on a red satin nighty and was in the bedroom when H came up. He wanted to know "why are you wearing that outfit"? (nice to know he appreciates my efforts at nice lingerie) and I told him "it can be easily removed", and he seemed to perk up, and things "worked" just fine then....he actually said "I'm sorry about earlier"...I told him not to think a thing about it, no problem, but find it interested that he was apologizing. Obviously, such incidents bother him.
We were talking about his parents last night at supper, and their involvement (over) with his younger siblings...H commented that "just once I wish it could be about me, just one day, my birthday" I thought that was so weirdly MLC, so telling....and sad. he wasn't angry, just sounded kind of sad and dejected. Sheesh, the guy who made all kinds of work plans to avoid being home on his b-day. Maybe that's part of what he was running from.
I don't know, maybe it's nothing, but he just seems "touchy" and irritable, on-edge, like he IS trying to break the bad habit of ow, yet he is warm, appreciative and for the most part friendly towards me.
This morning I didnt get any email from him, so sent him one right after lunch. He replied saying "thanks" for sending it, and that he'd been really busy. I probably would have freaked that he was lunching w/ow, except that I saw her get out of a car with coworkers in her dept. at the end of lunch, so obviously she wasnt with him here.
Guess I'll take a minute to update...not a lot going on at the moment....maybe that's good. I am so much wanting to let myself think that MAYBE h is truely starting to come out of replay and begin to reconnect. I don't know if i dare to think that (no expectations!)
He seems to be pretty positive and.....happy and contented. there was a time when I never thought i'd say that about him. Last night when he came home after his 12-hour day, he just sat his briefcase on the stairway, got some food, sat down at the dining room table, and.....talked....to me....for almost an hour and 1/2. he didnt even go upstairs to take out his contacts or change clothes. Didnt rush to go work out....just sat down and "jabbered" about his day, etc.. We NEVER EVER used to do this...
Earlier this week, I mentioned that I was going to take on screening in part of the porch as a project this summer, that I'd gone to the home store and figured out how to do it and it wouldnt be that tough or expensive. His first reaction was "why would we want that?" I told him so it would be private enough to molest him...he looked pretty shocked and said "no!"...I just laughed and said "ok, think of it like this then, fly-free, mosquito-free, cat free place to just sit and chat"....that got his approval, he said, "then we could just enjoy the porch furniture without having to fight the hassles"! and seemed to warm up to the idea. Then I showed him a picture of an artificle stream in a gardening magazine, and mentioned how neat it was and that we should do that. He said "where would we put one?" instead of what a stupid idea or how much work, etc, as he usually would. I mentioned the granite rocks were like in the river where we vacation, and he said "we could take the truck and bring some back". All just dreaming, but I cant help but think/hope that his even participating in the dreaming is a good sign.
Tonight I only saw him for a few minutes before I had to leave to bring S to class, but he chatted about his day, and actually asked me how my day was. He emailed me 1st this morning.
I noticed also within the last week, the cell phone bill went down a little, and he didnt spend as much money at the gas station as he has most often (he used to buy phone cards to call ow when he bought gas, don't know if he does anymore or not because I quit checking)
I've also noticed, and this is kind of odd, I havent a clue what it could mean, that in the last month or so, he's been talking a lot about his old girlfriend, the one who broke his heart before we met by cheating on him. I havent a clue why he's talking about her all at once, but he sure is and I havent heard her name for a long time.
Also within the last month, he seems to be strangely more satisfied with work. he has been talking the last 2 weeks about how he is back to just focusing on doing good therapy in each session, and not worrying about the paper work part of it, that he just has accepted that he'll do that on the weekends, and that he is able to enjoy his work again by doing it that way. I would think he was just blowing smoke at me about it to keep me off his trail to ow when he says he's working, but he IS much more content emotionally, more enthusiastic, about work. He cant' fake that.
I read leftandnowhy's new thread earlier, and she talked about learning to listen to her H's emotions. maybe that's what's going on here.
It's hard not to get my hopes up. but, in the meantime, things really are better than they were for a long time.
S is going home with D and SIL for spring break, which means we'll have some alone time, even though it will be during the week. I'm anxious to see how that goes.
I am also going to drive 8 hours to pick S up, I don't want D driving 16 hours.....I will invite H to go with me, but let him know it's ok if he doesnt....we'll see how that goes. Remember ow needing him to go with her to drop off her D just before xmase on a trip exactly the same length because she couldnt do it on her own???? I told H at the time that was manipulation to keep him involved and cause trouble, he couldnt see it. so, don't know what message that will send him....obviously D and I can do it on our own....
anybody have any "reading" on this stuff??
and so the story continues....D and SIL will be home about 9 tonight, we havent seen them since 1st week of December, poor S is so excited he is beside himself. I think he's missed them the most of all of us.
Had a late day today in Columbus. I spent about 10 hours at the doctor! So late that people where vacuuming when I left! (And no one to give my co-pay to!) LOL Long story short...I will be fine.
Things sound great with you. Keeping an even keel and not mentioning ow really is improving your situation.
You know this is hard without my crystal ball....but could it be possible that ow (aka skank) has lost interest? Perhaps she has her sights on another? This would ease your h's guilt and take his mind off her, wouldn't it? And it might explain his convos about his old girlfriend. Just a thought....
I think that you should ask him to join you on that long drive. Maybe you could make it a 2 day drive and stop over at a nice hotel?? Even better if you can manage to make it all HIS idea! LOL
Hi Dawn, I hope you're feeling ok today, and glad to hear things are going to be ok for your health stuff. Those painkillers can be something, huh? I remember being totally incoherent the last time I had them.
I like your crystal ball! dust that thing off more often, will ya???? LOL....seriously though, I never even considered that "skank" (like the name, too!) might be loosing interest. That would explain a lot, and actually now that you mention it, H has told me numerous times that he thought she was, and that that would happen, and that was what would have to happen. I always just put that in the "believe none of what they say" bin and went with the "actions speak louder than words" train of thought.
But, hmmmmmmmmm, THAT would explain a lot, almost everything, in fact, that I've been picking up on the last 6 weeks or so. Plus, I've actually been praying that god would see that ow's needs were met in a way that pleases Him (yes, that pulsing glow you see is my halo -- HA!, not!)...and I do believe that he answers prayers, not always on our timeline or in our view of how it's best, but answers them.
I will invite H to go with me, don't know what he'll do. Boy is that a huge step for me to venture away so far and leave him with free access to ow (oops, I like Skank) better....but, oh well, what he will do he will do. I think I'll throw out the idea of overnight, but very lightly, I'm kinda thinking that's a very long shot....probably he wont' even go with me, but that's ok too, let him stay home and be eaten alive by the guilt monsters....especially if he lets me go on a dangerous mission all by my poor little self so he can have a hot time with the Skank. ah, devious minds at work here. We shall see, I guess.
I am glad that you like my idea about skank. It would explain her parking by him and the teddy bear in the window. Could have been more of a "in your face" message to your h than any kind of message to you.
I am glad that you'll ask him to go on the trip with you but you are right to keep your expectations set at nil. And please do not worry about h while you are away. It is a waste of your time!
I still think that even if you go alone, you should make it a two day trip! It is an excellent time to let your h miss you and spend some luxury time by YOURSELF! MHO, you need some more alone time. It allows you to think clearly, think just about YOU and re-group.
Guess I should update so I don't forget...this morning H was wearing jeans (casual day) and I told him sexy...he gave his standard snicker and reply of "I don't see why that's true now when it never was all those years"...I said "It was, I just didnt tell you"...and of course his question was "why not?" and I said "well, I didnt want you to think I was a nasty woman after your body all the time. You wouldn't have wanted some hot woman panting over you day and night would you? he looked kind of shocked and surprised and said "well.....yes" in an almost teenagery voice. I just laughed, and told him "well, your mom never told me that, she never said put on naughty undies and go after him, she just told me I needed to cook you apple crisp"....now this is a true story of a lecture I got from MIL when we were first married; talking about it got him kinda fired up that she was never right about anything. H mentioned his long-ago xgf again, that she had this funny walk...H was talking about it being a kind of weird, uncoordinated walk. I know the walk....frankly, the woman walks like a penguin. then I had another interesting thought, guess who else walks like a penguin???? yep, Skank. interesting.
well, we smooched a little, H said he had been "horney" in the night, but I was so "out of it" I was snoring, so he didnt pursue anything...I told him not to let that hold him back, and he said "well hold that thought for tonight then".
He also made the comment that losing a few more inches would have me wearing sexy jeans. I guess that's supposed to be a compliment...I'll take it as such, and that he meant it that way, which is a good sign. What, who me? grasping at straws? well, we'll see what tonight brings.
hi Dawn, I think we were posting at the same time...I will think about if even if I go alone, I hadnt even thought of that one either! duh. I wouldnt mind a break, and it might shake his booty (or something, I don't suppose that's it) to know I'd take off and run the risk that he'd go to be with Skank.
I never thought of teddy bear being in the face to H, either. hmmmmmm, again.
; Now if I can just conjure up some way to make H feel sick everytime he sees her!!!!!