I don't know what to think about H's recent actions. I know better than to read much into them, but I swear I am sensing a change in his attitude, towards life in general I believe, in about the last 2 or 3 weeks. If anyone has any thoughts on how ANY of this strikes you, I'd be interested in hearing them.
So, lets see, I have to back track a little to post some of the things I've seen...
Last Thursday night, I had to work late. H stopped by my office before he left for the day. He seemed cheerful, we chatted for a minute, I don't remember what about. I walked him to the door as he was leaving, and told him I was jealous that he got to got home...he chuckled, said "I bet you are"; as he walked away, I blew him a kiss and said ILY...he actually turned and blew one back, said ILY too, see you soon". I think this is the first time he has EVER blown me a kiss. When I got home at 9:30, we were both tired, but he was pleasant, we chatted a little before turning in. Something that strikes me as different, puzzling, and potentially "big": Friday, S told me that Thursday night, his dad ate supper with him....S said that was the first time he had done that since the A started. S brought this up himself, so it must have really caught his attention. Actually, supper usually is just a frozen pizza when I work late, but S said he was eating pizza in front of the TV when his dad came in with some, and sat down to eat it with him, and they talked for quite a while as they had pizza and watched tv, then his dad went to work out. I did ask S (I try not to ask the poor kid anything) if he was certain his dad had not done this since the A started, and he said "yes, I remember the very last time he ate with me"...
Friday afternoon, we took a nap and I had been given some cold meds by the Dr. that absolutely knocked me out. I slept for 4 hours. H said he "woke up horny" and tried to wake me up, but I was so out of it, he couldnt rouse me. This was at bed time, so I decided to "make up for it" and tried to initiate, but H had had 3 of his favorite beers, and was too "out of it" and started to get irritated...said he wouldnt have had the beer if he'd known I was going to do that, that it frustrates him when I do that and he cant do anything...I backed off immediately, told him it was ok, no big deal, I'd give him a break when he needed it if he'd do the same for me...he seemed relieved, and we just snuggled up and went to sleep.
Saturday morning he went to do his eternal/infernal "paperwork". Before he was leaving, I put my arms around him, hugged him, said "ILY so much, I wish I knew how to let you know how much"...he replied "I know you do, and I really appreciate it"...I guess that's a good change from the days when he would accuse me of just saying that so he'd stay and I could have his money
He got home around lunch time, and after lunch invited me to go for a walk with him. I jumped at the chance even though I felt crappy, I only walked about 1/2 the distance, but made a point of telling him a couple of times how much I enjoyed it and thanks for inviting me. He suggested that we can go for walks together on Monday evenings and Saturdays with the weather getting better (part of one of my tiny goals, for us to do things together, including getting back to walking).
Then things got kind of weird. We went to church Saturday evening, and as we were getting out of the car, an SUV identical to ow's went by on the street...H's head jerked and I saw him watching it, I don't know if it was her or not. We got into church 1/2 hour before the service started, and after we'd been there about 15 minutes, who walks in with her mother???? yup. ow. I havent seen her in church since a year ago this past January 3, which was the day after I found H shacked up for the weekend at her place, and the day he weepingly promised he'd give her up, then we go to church, the b---h shows up, he keeps gazing at her all mooneyed, and of course they're back together within days.
Anyway, this Saturday, I was surprisingly calm, not pleased to see her show up, but surprised at myself how calm I was. I watched H, and he was pretty expressionless, although I thought I saw a tear in his eye. I did pat his thigh and say "ILY"...he replied "ILY too", bad db'ing I supose, but....felt like I needed to throw in my 2C worth. about the time church started, H began to complain of being dizzy and sick to his stomach. Now he had complained about this a couple of times last week, so maybe it's just this junk, or maybe ow brought it on. I offered to go get him some water, and he said no, he'd get it if he needed it. I told him that if he wanted to leave and come another time, it was ok with me; he said no to that. S had huge eyes when ow walked in; he mentioned afterwords that he "watched him like a hawk, and he didnt look at her"...I said, "different from that time a year ago when he was all weepy and moon-eyed, and S said "oh yeah"...the poor kid had noticed that with out me ever saying a word about it.
H seemed "ok" the rest of Saturday evening, although there was no ml....3 or 4 times in the night though, he woke me up saying "can I hold you", and once he woke me up and asked if I could hold him. He told me the next morning (unsolicited) that it helps him sleep.
Early Sunday morning, we spent some time in bed just "snuggling"...he apologized for not being "in the mood", I told him it was ok, I enjoyed just being cuddled up with him, and that sometimes that was even better. he said "thanks for not pressuring, I sure appreciate it"????don't know what that means. Sunday he went for a long morning walk, 21/2 hours, but I'm trying to see it as time he needs to himself. He enjoyed lunch, and thanked me for it. At lunch time though, he joked and laughed and was kind of a "cut up" it struck me that that is how he used to be....and how long it has been since I heard him like that.
evening was low-key, just kind of hanging out, his mother called, I invited them to lunch on Saturday, before I'd said anything to H about it, and of course then she had to mention it to him before I could. He didnt seem too upset though, although he is still expressing a lot of irritation with his parents.
No ml, but we still both have this stuff, so honestly that shouldnt be much of a surprise, I don't think.
I don't know if these tidbits are a continuing indication that things are changing, or if I'm still grasping at straws. He does seem to talk more about "us" in a future tense, regarding finances, projects around the house, etc.
Could this be "reconnection" starting, replay winding down? maybe I should ask that question over in the mlc forum.
