STILL morphing 4

[sage]

So, I don't know, I'm just blithering here in my irritable state, whistling in the dark I guess, but does ANY of this sound like progress to anybody?

Well, I dunno Deb...let's see...I think it's all here in black and white!

I remember how he used to say he didnt believe I loved him, he was just a paycheck and piece of furniture (ow encouraged him to believe that, I know)...now, within the last 2 weeks or so, I slipped up and said "do you know I love you?" and put my arms around his shoulders...he looked me in the eye and said "yes"

...he does look me in the eye more, even looks S in the eye more, S has mentioned this.

H initiates sex, and hasnt been complaining for several months that it is "a chore";

This year, I gave him a card that has a little boy and girl on a swing, and it says "you're my most favorite thing.....ever" I told him I thought it was cute, and that the sentiment fit exactly. He agreed it was cute, and I saw him looking at the card again several days later.

Now we set at the dining room table and talk almost every evening. last night when he came home from work at 8:30, we talked until almost 10. We NEVER used to do that. I was trying to think when it started, and I cant remember, but I know that was one of my teeny tiny goals way back when. The kinda neat thing is, he pulled up a chair (I was sitting there doing my breathing treatment) and just started talking, before he went upstairs to change clothes or anything...

well, last night, and for about the last week, he was actually excited about work, about successes with some of his cases and about some of the young/new therapists coming to him for input/suggestions.

You talk more, he initiates sex, he's more excited about work, he looks you in the eye...need I go on?

Sage

[debcb]

Thanks Sage, I needed that (makes me think again of the old old Aqua Velva after shave commercials--see, I am dated!)

anyway, it helps to have outside perspective. I am always so hopeful, but afraid of just reading too much into things. Then again, who was it who said "where there is no hope people perish"? actually, I believe that's in the bible.

tiny, tiny tiny, agonizingly slow steps. If only.....she would disappear over the horizon forever!

[41dk]

Hi Deb-

Hope this finds you at 65% and holding!

makes me think again of the old old Aqua Velva after shave commercials

Is that the one where someone gets slapped up side the head? LOL We kind of managed to do that to you a lot....sorry...but you do need it from time to time! I wish I had it in me to start my own thread back up. I am in need of some smacks myself...sigh.

But to answer your question, YEP, I think that they are all positive signs. Do I think that he is out of MLC, not yet. And I truly do not think that ow disappearing would make it all go away either. I think it might mask his troubles for a while but it would just return in another form.

But, Hon, for your sake I am crossing my fingers that she gets fired, then tarred and feathered, stoned, and then run out of town on a rail! If my wish comes true, take pictures for me!

Dawn

[debcb]

Is that the one where someone gets slapped up side the head? LOL

yep, that's the one! every now and then it jumps into my mind when I get one of those "reality rub" type of reminders...it just seems such an accurate picture of things.

I saw H for a few minutes before I ran S into class tonight, and he seems to be feeling much better, I think he had mostly a sinus infection. I'm glad he's feeling better, wish I could finally shake all this stuff. I'm better, I'd say probably at about 70% and holding, but I'm so tired of this!!!! I don't have any more temps, but still some coughing, and i get really tired easily. of course I guess it's progress that I've worked all week, and last week I could hardly get out of bed all week.

I saw ow as I dropped S off at class, she sat in her vehicle at the far end of the parking lot while I dropped S at the door. weird. I guess it will be hard for me for a long time when I see her. I picked up "not just friends" again two nights ago, I had to put it down before xmas, it was just making me too upset for some reason. Anyway, maybe I'm not doing too badly, because it talks about how hard it can be to deal with flash backs, and that anything can throw a person into one, and just getting a glimpse of the affair partner can bring one on. It recommends avoiding things/sites/places that stir up flash backs. I cant avoid her, I saw her 2X today...and I'm still functioning, so maybe that isnt too awfully bad. I still find it REALLY hard though, because it just brings back all the lies and trauma and reminds me that I still REALLY don't know for sure that it's over....

I guess a couple of "good" (hopefully) things I should post: before I left for class tonite, I walked through the garage to tell H 'bye. he came in the door, and said he'd been out front to catch me to tell me goodbye and not found me....so HE's MAKING AN EFFORT! Also, last weekend he was talking about signing up for another workshop in May, it's on the day of our anniversary, and the day after....I didnt say a word, but he himself said "I wouldnt sign up on (A-day) of course, but I might try to go the next day"...then he commented "doesnt it ever come on a Saturday" in reference to our anniversary...Frankly, I was kinda surprised he even thinks about it at all, let alone 2 months ahead of time. I might try to pull off a kidnapping that weekend, even if it's just a short over-nighter.

lordy, this takes a long, long time to work through. I just hope and pray someday he will let me know for sure the A is over and done and history. I cant imagine that he's thinking of leaving any more, he seems so much happier at home, and just more at peace in general, than he used to. I only pray my instincts are right!

So, for now, I just keep on biting my cheek, trying to act as if and lose weight, and enjoy life as much as I can.

So what's going on with you Dawn? how's your H sitch, your pup...and most importantly your health? I hope you are well over the health stuff you've had going on.

[41dk]

Hi Deb-

As I was reading your post I was just smiling and shaking my head in wonder. I surely hope that the day that your h realizes what a great wife and partner he has in you comes very soon. You deserve that day Deb. I'll celebrate (from here) with you!!!! You are a good woman.

I was glad to read that you are feeling better...and even better than the 65% that I projected! Yippee. Give it another week and you will be in top form.

Thanks for your thoughts re my life. Things could be better. I am struggling a little bit with thoughts of whether or not this is all worth it. Well, you know the drill. Big sigh. I think h feels me pulling away and was super attentive for a couple days and then has gotten sullen and angry as my mood did not change with his efforts. Sorry but I just don't feel like participating right now. I am just not engaged.

Ugh, enough! On the bright side the puppy, all 70 pounds of her, is a great outlet for my downer moods. She is a true sweety!

My health issues have returned, as I knew that they would. I have an appointment to see a specialist in Columbus next week. Hopefully, she will have some solutions for me. It is on my mind but not consuming me, thank goodness.

I have a great weekend planned with my sis. She called my this morning, telling me how excited she was to spend one on one time with me! She has felt my mood and is worried and chomping at the bit to "make it all better"! LOL It runs in the family, this "fix it" thing!

I'll hang in there, Deb. You do the same!

Dawn

[debcb]

Hi Dawn, I'm just now getting back to you, as you may have noticed ; I just wanted to say I hope you had a great weekend and are feeling "up" from it.

I'm thinking good thoughts for you, for your health issues to become a thing of the past. I sure hope you can get some helpful input this week from the specialist.

I have to ask, what kind of pup do you have???? Besides a big one, that is!

[41dk]

Morning Deb (Almost afternoon)

My time with sis was excellent, just what I needed! A wonderful meal at our favorite place, lots of shopping and lots of "looks" will boost anyone's PMA! LOL I do feel better about ME, wish I could say the same about my marriage...

My pup is a black lab mixed with coon hound (of all things!). I read my last post to you about the joy she brings me...had to laugh about that...I wrote that BEFORE she chewed on my rocker/recliner! She does manage to do lot of damage.

I hope that your weekend was a good one too. How are you feeling?

Dawn

[debcb]

I don't know what to think about H's recent actions. I know better than to read much into them, but I swear I am sensing a change in his attitude, towards life in general I believe, in about the last 2 or 3 weeks. If anyone has any thoughts on how ANY of this strikes you, I'd be interested in hearing them.

So, lets see, I have to back track a little to post some of the things I've seen...

Last Thursday night, I had to work late. H stopped by my office before he left for the day. He seemed cheerful, we chatted for a minute, I don't remember what about. I walked him to the door as he was leaving, and told him I was jealous that he got to got home...he chuckled, said "I bet you are"; as he walked away, I blew him a kiss and said ILY...he actually turned and blew one back, said ILY too, see you soon". I think this is the first time he has EVER blown me a kiss.
When I got home at 9:30, we were both tired, but he was pleasant, we chatted a little before turning in.
Something that strikes me as different, puzzling, and potentially "big": Friday, S told me that Thursday night, his dad ate supper with him....S said that was the first time he had done that since the A started. S brought this up himself, so it must have really caught his attention. Actually, supper usually is just a frozen pizza when I work late, but S said he was eating pizza in front of the TV when his dad came in with some, and sat down to eat it with him, and they talked for quite a while as they had pizza and watched tv, then his dad went to work out. I did ask S (I try not to ask the poor kid anything) if he was certain his dad had not done this since the A started, and he said "yes, I remember the very last time he ate with me"...

Friday afternoon, we took a nap and I had been given some cold meds by the Dr. that absolutely knocked me out. I slept for 4 hours. H said he "woke up horny" and tried to wake me up, but I was so out of it, he couldnt rouse me. This was at bed time, so I decided to "make up for it" and tried to initiate, but H had had 3 of his favorite beers, and was too "out of it" and started to get irritated...said he wouldnt have had the beer if he'd known I was going to do that, that it frustrates him when I do that and he cant do anything...I backed off immediately, told him it was ok, no big deal, I'd give him a break when he needed it if he'd do the same for me...he seemed relieved, and we just snuggled up and went to sleep.

Saturday morning he went to do his eternal/infernal "paperwork". Before he was leaving, I put my arms around him, hugged him, said "ILY so much, I wish I knew how to let you know how much"...he replied "I know you do, and I really appreciate it"...I guess that's a good change from the days when he would accuse me of just saying that so he'd stay and I could have his money

He got home around lunch time, and after lunch invited me to go for a walk with him. I jumped at the chance even though I felt crappy, I only walked about 1/2 the distance, but made a point of telling him a couple of times how much I enjoyed it and thanks for inviting me. He suggested that we can go for walks together on Monday evenings and Saturdays with the weather getting better (part of one of my tiny goals, for us to do things together, including getting back to walking).

Then things got kind of weird. We went to church Saturday evening, and as we were getting out of the car, an SUV identical to ow's went by on the street...H's head jerked and I saw him watching it, I don't know if it was her or not. We got into church 1/2 hour before the service started, and after we'd been there about 15 minutes, who walks in with her mother???? yup. ow. I havent seen her in church since a year ago this past January 3, which was the day after I found H shacked up for the weekend at her place, and the day he weepingly promised he'd give her up, then we go to church, the b---h shows up, he keeps gazing at her all mooneyed, and of course they're back together within days.

Anyway, this Saturday, I was surprisingly calm, not pleased to see her show up, but surprised at myself how calm I was. I watched H, and he was pretty expressionless, although I thought I saw a tear in his eye. I did pat his thigh and say "ILY"...he replied "ILY too", bad db'ing I supose, but....felt like I needed to throw in my 2C worth. about the time church started, H began to complain of being dizzy and sick to his stomach. Now he had complained about this a couple of times last week, so maybe it's just this junk, or maybe ow brought it on. I offered to go get him some water, and he said no, he'd get it if he needed it. I told him that if he wanted to leave and come another time, it was ok with me; he said no to that.
S had huge eyes when ow walked in; he mentioned afterwords that he "watched him like a hawk, and he didnt look at her"...I said, "different from that time a year ago when he was all weepy and moon-eyed, and S said "oh yeah"...the poor kid had noticed that with out me ever saying a word about it.

H seemed "ok" the rest of Saturday evening, although there was no ml....3 or 4 times in the night though, he woke me up saying "can I hold you", and once he woke me up and asked if I could hold him. He told me the next morning (unsolicited) that it helps him sleep.


Early Sunday morning, we spent some time in bed just "snuggling"...he apologized for not being "in the mood", I told him it was ok, I enjoyed just being cuddled up with him, and that sometimes that was even better. he said "thanks for not pressuring, I sure appreciate it"????don't know what that means.
Sunday he went for a long morning walk, 21/2 hours, but I'm trying to see it as time he needs to himself. He enjoyed lunch, and thanked me for it. At lunch time though, he joked and laughed and was kind of a "cut up" it struck me that that is how he used to be....and how long it has been since I heard him like that.

evening was low-key, just kind of hanging out, his mother called, I invited them to lunch on Saturday, before I'd said anything to H about it, and of course then she had to mention it to him before I could. He didnt seem too upset though, although he is still expressing a lot of irritation with his parents.

No ml, but we still both have this stuff, so honestly that shouldnt be much of a surprise, I don't think.

I don't know if these tidbits are a continuing indication that things are changing, or if I'm still grasping at straws. He does seem to talk more about "us" in a future tense, regarding finances, projects around the house, etc.

Could this be "reconnection" starting, replay winding down? maybe I should ask that question over in the mlc forum.

[debcb]

hi Dawn, I think I was typing my novel as you were posting.

I'm glad you had a good weekend. they help, don't they?

Mine was kind of odd, as outlined in my novel. but ok. I STILL dont' feel 100%, but I guess I'm making progress.

I don't know, I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping my hands off the rope, but it's still hard to not get carried away with the "what's she up to now" line of thinking re ow showing up in church. the ONLY times I've known her to do that before were to manipulate H back into their r......sigh

but I'm working really hard to be myself, upbeat, pleasant, and to enjoy MY life....the one he can't live with out anyway....

I think I'm gonna pat myself on the back for staying calm when she showed up at church!

gotta run to a meeting. back later.

[Growing]

Deb,
I read your novel and it seems to me that H still has storng feelings for OW. However he seems to want to be with you. I think he is conflicted which is good. He seems to do well until he sees OW. Then his alien brain takes over.
I suggest you back off a little and be a little distant. Let him wonder what you are thinking. If he raelly and truly wanted to be with OW he would just leave and go to her. My XW left for OM and has not looked back even though he is married.

Let him pursue you for a while. He has noticed how kind you are to him. Just be kind ,but withdrawn or detached. Don't say ILY so much. Let him say it first.

Then again, nothing I tried worked so maybe I shouldn't give advice. Good luck to you no matter waht you decide to do.