Hi Dawn...I meant to get back to you yesterday and didnt get that done. I had to laugh about the "what did you expect to happen" comment....ummmmm.....I don't know, that his not being sick would rub off on me??????
I am feeling really irritable right now, I guess I'm just tired of being sick, I'm not sick enough to be home in bed but really don't feel well, the weather is dark and dreary, and even the way the hair lays on the back of my neck is getting on my nerves. I think H is about as irritable becuase of not feeling well also. Not a recipe for marital bliss in the best of stichs, I must say. Yuck....time to tread carefully.
I don't know, sometimes I feel like we've made progress, other times, especially now, it seems like it's all for naught and a waste of time. Part of that today stems from (I think) the fact that last night I was sorting through a folder of some old papers and came across the email he sent me last year, Feb. 12, about Valentines day and how he'd go to his folks with S and be home around 5 and we'd have a special evening, maybe I could get champagne, etc., HA! I found out later he dumped S at his parents at 8 am and spent the day w/ow and then came home to me. It still hurts when I think about it.
I don't know, I guess I see an over all, ever so slow, change in his attitude, I remember so distinctly how odd he was when he came home that day, very quiet and withdrawn and sitting in a chair in the family room very absorbed in his thoughts. I remember how he used to say he didnt believe I loved him, he was just a paycheck and piece of furniture (ow encouraged him to believe that, I know)...now, within the last 2 weeks or so, I slipped up and said "do you know I love you?" and put my arms around his shoulders...he looked me in the eye and said "yes"...he does look me in the eye more, even looks S in the eye more, S has mentioned this. H initiates sex, and hasnt been complaining for several months that it is "a chore"; I recall last year at his b-day time giving him a card that said "nice butt" in addition to a romantic card, and somehow we had a huge fight, he pitched that card on the floor and accused me of lying and all kinds of weird, incomprehensible stuff. This year, I gave him a card that has a little boy and girl on a swing, and it says "you're my most favorite thing.....ever" I told him I thought it was cute, and that the sentiment fit exactly. He agreed it was cute, and I saw him looking at the card again several days later.
Now we set at the dining room table and talk almost every evening. last night when he came home from work at 8:30, we talked until almost 10. We NEVER used to do that. I was trying to think when it started, and I cant remember, but I know that was one of my teeny tiny goals way back when. The kinda neat thing is, he pulled up a chair (I was sitting there doing my breathing treatment) and just started talking, before he went upstairs to change clothes or anything... Something else was different last night, I pray that MAYBE it is a small sign of progress through his mlc...I remember about 2 months ago he said he was praying for motivation, at home and at work....well, last night, and for about the last week, he was actually excited about work, about successes with some of his cases and about some of the young/new therapists coming to him for input/suggestions.
So, I don't know, I'm just blithering here in my irritable state, whistling in the dark I guess, but does ANY of this sound like progress to anybody?
I guess I've made progrss...I do like myself better...MOst of the time I look better, and I think I'm a more appealing/pleasant person, more like the "old me" (the old/old me, the good one!).....before I got lost somehow.....bleh, I guess I'll stop blithering and get to work...I'm sure behind there!
