Hi all, thanks for your well wishes...I'm back at work today, running about 50% and still not feeling very well. I literally slept away most of last week, and still have a cough and am dizzy and headaches, no fever though.

It was a weird weekend. Friday was H's b-day, he'd said he didnt want much done for it, signed himself up to be out of town at a workshop all that day, then to go to a clinical staff meeting when he got back into town from the workshop before coming home, so I didnt even see him till 8 pm on his b-day! I was really sad and down, it just felt so lonely not to see him then, and of course not feeling well multiplied it by about 300X. I managed to say not one word about ow, was she going with him, all my usual "workshop rantings"...just told him I'd see him when he got home, and that we'd have a "little treat", gave him a good bye kiss and hug and saw him out the door. I was pleased to see however that he wore his regular "whitey tighties" instead of his black "workshop underwear" that morning.... ; When I got out of bed that morning he did say "just a minute". left the room, went downstairs and brought coffee up to me. I was surprised, and commented what a sweet and loving gesture that was, and he said "I was going to, I didnt think you were getting up now". When he got home that evening, S and I and H had his favorite cheesecake with candles on it, we gave H a few CD's we'd gotten him, and H asked "are you going to sing happy birthday to me" so S and I did, off-key and sounding awful, but we all laughed. H seemed to enjoy it. When we went to bed, H initiated ML, I was surprised I felt like it but I did (he even asked); H was really horney, don't know if that's good/bad/in between. I'd taken a shower in the evening, and not bothered to put on a bra, just had a t-shirt on. I didnt even think anything about it, but evidently H noticed it quite a bit. Something to recall for needy situations, I guess.

Saturday AM, H went to "work", as usual, we went to church, then watched a movie at home. We hadnt done that for a while, and it was fun.

Yesterday I felt pretty crummy again, didnt do much, H commented that I'm "weirdly clingy" when I don't feel well....I'm sure I am, I know the world just seems weird to me. H commented that Saturday I'd been "almost back to your old self" I asked him what that self is like, and he commented, "joking and laughing and more fun". i am so frustrated and bored with being sick. H keeps encouraging me to take it easy so I get better faster. I tell him I miss the fun we have when we are feeling well, and he said he did to. I perhaps almost strayed into R talk, but I told him thought we'd been doing really well together lately, before I got sick, and he agreed. I'm just aware that my perceptions are skewed all over the place right now. Glad to know he felt we were doing well, also. I think he was sincere.

We were supposed to go to his folks for his b-day for dinner yesterday evening. H called them and cancelled it. he said on Friday he was going to. On Saturday he called and left a message for them, and then yesterday afternoon confirmed that they got his message we wouldnt be coming out.

Something weird has been going on w/his folks though, and kinda with this whole b-day thing. I've really had the impression he wanted to avoid this b-day (50)...duh--scheduling himself out-of-town, etc., He's seemed pretty angry about his entire life here the last month-6 weeks or so, and just in a raging fury about work.
this weekend, get this, he made the comment that several other potential employers werent any better, and if he could just get Tuesdays at the out-of-town office, he'd be perfectly happy with his work life??????????????!!!!!!WTF????? He's been ranting and raving and raging for weeks.

He now seems to be very angry at his parents (again)...for how they've treated and discounted him and interfered in his life in the past where they shouldnt have. He talked quite a bit about how his mother gave his old gf advice (this is the one who broke his heart by cheating on him just before I met him) that was destructive when she should have never gotten involved in their relationship. I never heard about this before in all these years, but remember last week or the week before he mentioned something about that old relationship, which I hadnt heard of before.
This has to be some kind of mlc stuff...is it possible he's going back through all his replay issues again???? Didnt I read that somewhere that they do that, or is it a figment of my tormented mind?

On Saturday, I had a brief moment of feeling better, and was flirty and "handsy" with him...He told me I'd better stop, it wasnt a good time to "get things going", so I did, but I laughed and mentioned how ironic it was that he was the one tellng me to stop...I did something I shouldnt and mentioned how it used to always be the other way around, and he said he remembered, and that those were aggravating and frustrating times...guess I am pretty demented to stumble into reminding him of that.

Yesterday afternoon when I got up from a nap though, I made a pass at him, and he happily took me up on it.

he seems to be coming down with some of this crap, though, so we may still have a long haul ahead of us. I am struck by how much more difficult it makes it to keep things on an even, positive flow when one or both are feeling physically down.

Plus, poor S's sick lizard died Thursday night, and he has been so upset. the poor thing, we thought she was doing better and she was to go back to the vet Friday, and she just ....died.

been around awhile!