He FINALLY initiated!

[NOPkins]

JJ said:
-------------------
I'll assume you meant "Affection and sex should go together in relationships between mature human beings.".
-------------------

I thought that was the context that this BB concerns itself with, otherwise, my posts here are going to get very lengthy indeed with all the proofs, bases of referent, defined sets and written references :-)

-NOPkins-

[MJontheMend]

Sorry for the semi-hijack GEL. I admire your efforts tremendously. I was just kind of bemused by this thread because unless I'm remembering wrong, MrsNOP was married when she and NOP got together. Of course, NOP frequently reminds me of that old saying "reformed rakes make the best husbands" .

[MrsNOP]

NOP's hands are clean on this one. He had no idea. I got married at 17 to a man who preferred to work sporadically and do drugs regularly. I left after a year and had been separated for a year before I met NOP. I had enough of the "child of the 60s" thing going at the time that I thought erroneously of marriage as just a piece of paper so following through with divorce proceedings was of no importance to me.

I wasn't exactly a paragon of virtue.

And although I'm still not a paragon, I learned a few things in the subsequent years. The past, both mine and others, is something I hope to learn from, and I guess that could include having my nose rubbed in it a bit on occasion for someone's bemusement.

MrsNOP -

[MJontheMend]

I wouldn't insult you by assuming that you meant to set yourself up as a "paragon of virtue". I think you are as complicated and flawed as the rest of us, but also mucho tough and intelligent.

I don't disagree with NOP's moral stance, but I do disagree, once again, with his advice. I think the fact that he is so HD sort of gives him a blindspot which allows him to believe that HDW will find success by treating their LDH's like LDW. He can't imagine himself as a LDH so he assumes that LD is a more essential part of the LDH personality than the fact that they are men like him. I agree that GEL is doing the right thing by being more affectionate with her H but I also believe that there is a definite limit to taking this approach with a man, even a very LD man. Of course, I am not the most successful person on this BB at the moment so my advice/thoughts on the matter may be useless or counter-productive but still......

Somebody, anybody got my back here. HP?

[NOPkins]

That is an interesting assertion, Jenny.

I am now wondering, how much, if any, my advice has helped you change your marriage.

I claim no expertise outside of common sense and my own experience.

I will address your previous post on another thread.

-NOPkins-

[Greeneyedlass]

Jenny,

I see what you are saying. But one thing I think I want to throw in is this....this "affectionate" approach does definitely work with MY LDH...but that's what HE needs...that's not to say it would work for EVERY LDH by any means. I think something important to keep in mind is that every person will have different things that will trip their trigger! It's finding out what that "thing" is that's the really difficult part of this process.

In our session yesterday my H said that one of the things that he found so attractive in me and fell in love with was....the fact that I was so affectionate towards him. I had unintentionally stopped being that way, because he had shut me out...so I shut down.

This whole process is a very personal, individual process. That's one reason I get sooo very frustrated when people try to generalize or group LD/HD people into a neat tidy package....it simply doesn't work that way. We're human...therefore sometimes quite complicated, especially when one gender is trying to understand the mental workings of the opposite gender....LOL

GEL

[cinemanymph]

JJ,
I had my usual snort/laugh reaction that I usually have to you and HD when you post witty rejoinders .

[cinemanymph]

GEL,
Lets hear it for weights being lifted off of (overburdended) shouders!

Cinema-doing the Snoopy dance today-too.

[InherJourney]

GEL... My friend just told me about a situation that reminded me of you. She's a happily married woman ( 20+yrs), attractive but does not give off any sexual vibes and lives the typical suburban life, whatever that means--no drugs, alcohol, good mom, etc. Anyway, she is an interior designer and recently her neighbors who are moving asked for her input informally( the new home is close by). The husband ( alone) comes to pick her up...she truly did not think anything about this, after all they had been friendly neighbors all this while, but when they got to the new house he propositioned her ( he was very polite about it...asked her if she would be interested in an affair). She was shaking afterwards, told me and a few friends about it, but hasn't said anything to her husband. She wants to wait until they officially move, and also she is worried that her husband would think she did something to provoke this interaction.

The thing is, her husband is a very passive man; she is the social, active one. They get along like an old married couple, take each other for granted, and I imagine the spark of sex isn't there. I couldn't help but notice that when she told me the story she did feel flattered on some level. I encouraged her to tell her husband after the move because I feel it would have similar benefits to their marriage, the increased intimacy and a wake-up call. I'm learning, too, that no one should become complacent about their spouse. My H and I have tested each other's endurance...not a smart thing to do.

Congrats on your H coming forward for you...it's a wonderful feeling and well deserved!

IHJ

[cinemanymph]

I loath infidelity. I loath the pain that it causes the innocent. I loath the destruction it visits on the children of its victims. I loath all of its attributes. All that pain in the name of a 'feel good' condition brought on by temporary changes in brain chemistry that resembles a slow motion drug addiction.

This comment has grabbed my attention. I believe if more people felt this way, they would not enter easily into marriage or abandon it just as easily. I agree that there are no winners in infidelity, even the cheater. There is no affair that doesn't cause destruction.