Today my H and I had our 1st joint counseling session, and it went REALLY well!!!
It becomes more apparant to me w/each week that goes by that we ARE making progress. Our communication is getting so much better now. We're both learning to say what needs to be said, learn what the other needs (not what we think they need) and have a much more giving relationship.
Our C asked me to tell my H what progress I felt we had made, so I did. This also enabled me to say something to him that I had been wanting to say...but just didn't have the nerve to in the past...afraid that it would be misunderstood.
Around the time I 1st started trying to get him to understand we had a problem (a year ago this past Christmas) a guy I knew started really pursuing me. He was intent on stealing me away from my H. No, I didn't go there...but I'll be honest, I WAS VERY TEMPTED! This guy continued the pursuit for about 6 months all-in-all, maybe a bit longer. Now while I didn't do anything, I didn't egg him on....(this guy just saw something he thought he wanted and was bound & determined to have it.) I must admit I really did enjoy the attention....however, I always kept him at arms-length. Never met for drinks when invited etc.
I guess I took this opportunity to drive home (maybe bad phrasing there) the fact that if my H hadn't chosen the path that he did....we wouldn't be where we are today. I knew in my own heart that that "cheating" boundary of mine kept moving, and I didn't know exactly where the line was from day-to-day anymore. I knew too that if I ever had a weak moment and did cheat on him that for me that would have signaled the end of our marriage. I've always said that if you feel you need to cheat...you don't need to be married...and I do believe that.
We all have our weak moments, and yes I do believe cheating is a choice too...but sometimes in our anger/resentment we make bad choices...that's what I was afraid I would do.
So I thanked my H VERY sincerely for choosing the path that he did...because I do love him, I didn't want to see our M end....and I'm not sure I would have ever forgiven myself for doing something like that to him (if I had).
He thought over what I said for a second, didn't get upset like I thought he might...and asked me "why haven't you told me this before?" Reasonable question. I said..."because I felt like if I told you about this guy and what he was doing to pursue me you would assume I had already cheated...when I hadn't." I was a fraid it might do more damage than good...at that time. I also gave him an example of one time when I actually told him this guy was in town and that he had invited me out to have drinks with him (alone) and my H gave me the go-ahead to go. I even invited my H along (to see if he would bite, not wanting me to go alone...you know?)...but he said "Oh I don't need to go, I trust you!" I explained to him, that if I had been in the frame of mind to cheat...he would have made it so very easy for me to do.
He took this all very well I have to admit. I know he knows in his heart I didn't do anything...but he sees now too how easily it could have happened....to him....again.
I feel so much better for getting that out in the open with him. It's perhaps the ONE thing I've been wanting to get out but was really afraid to, afraid he would think I did cheat when I didn't. But now it's out, now I feel better...now he knows too that his trust was well placed, but that I am human too.
All in all...this session went very well. We see our C again next week, can't wait to see what happens at that one. I truly think we won't be needing to see her for all that long really. We're learning how to communicate more effectively w/each other...we're learning each other's love languages and are starting to speak them better. The physical part is starting to fall into place too. My H is actually verbalizing that he has sexual urges, now it's just a matter of acting on them...which he is beginning to do as well.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders today!
I am glad that your session went well, and that you came 'clean' with your husband.
I do hope that you will eventually see the guy that pursued you for what he really is. Only a loser chases another person's spouse. That guy didn't chase you because he thought you were wonderful. He chased you because it made him feel good, and he is a person of little moral fiber. You liked it, even if it was at a distance, because it made you feel good to be pursued. There was no honor in his behavior.
I hope that you will give the 'whys' of what you entertained some good honest thought.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I understand what you are saying, and I'm going to assume you didn't intend to sound preachy (sorry but you did)...I truly do respect your opinion. I have already given the "why's" long honest thought. I harbor no illusions as to why he pursued me...I'm fully aware it's not because of the wonderful woman that I am, I know his intentions were not honorable.
In that respect I'm no fool...I've always maintained that I wouldn't ever be able to be in a R anyway that began w/someone cheating (either one of us) on their spouse. I know myself well enough that I'd never be able to fully trust in that type of a R.
It's stuff like that along with the primary reason that I love my H which helped me to keep the temptation at bay as long as I did. I didn't do anything I would have been ashamed of....and did in fact make it quite clear to the man doing the pursuing when I was really afraid I might make a huge mistake, that I would not cheat on my H...I cut off all possible contact.
No, I didn't intend to sound preachy. Please forgive my passion on this subject.
Evidently, I am beginning to exceed my capacity to deal with what I consider to be one of the most aberrant of human behaviors, infidelity.
I loath infidelity. I loath the pain that it causes the innocent. I loath the destruction it visits on the children of its victims. I loath all of its attributes. All that pain in the name of a 'feel good' condition brought on by temporary changes in brain chemistry that resembles a slow motion drug addiction.
Thanks for telling me that you cut the guy off. I know you are no fool GEL.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Are you kidding? This is a statement so easily proven false it's laughable. What about "Stranger on the beach" fantasies and the fact that I admitted I was attracted to a picture of Dick Cheney in his 30s? Have you ever seen sharks mating on the Discovery Channel? I'll assume you meant "Affection and sex should go together in relationships between mature human beings.".
Your Friendly Neighborhood Reality Checker,
JJ
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I figured you didn't intend to sound that way. And I understand your passion on the subject...I'm pretty passionate about it myself. That is why when I began to understand the feeling some people must feel who claim to love their spouse, but cheat anyway...it scared the hell out of me!
For me that topic has ALWAYS been black and white...I didn't like the fact that I was beginning to have an understanding of how someone might justify it, but to be honest my mind was beginning to rationalize the .... "well who could blame me!" line of thinking. Which believe me, is not my normal persona!
So...you are absolutely dead-on when you say people who cheat are not their normal selves!!!
I appreciate that. It's taken lots of work to get to this point, but it's worth it!
It really seems that in the last month-month 1/2 things the progress is really starting to pick up...the snowball is taking off!
You might have thought my H would have gotten angry when I brought up this other guy who was chasing me but instead I saw a look of relief on his face...I'm not really sure if it was due to relief that I hadn't cheated or relief that his faith/trust in me had been well placed. I know after some of his past R's he wasn't sure if he could trust his judgement where W are concerned.
It just felt good to get it out. I just wanted to make sure it was done in her office rather than at home...where I could possibly mis-phrase something and stick my foot in my mouth and then a mis-understanding could happen.
I guess what I was really hoping to get across to him...since he knows my stance on cheating....is that we were THAT close to the end of our M. Now, we are light-years away from that point...I also reassured him of that as well. And THANKED him for really committing to working on things with me.
I really am pulling for you and your W to somehow get to this point too!
Maybe I'll print up your thread and... (No, NOP sez no teaching)
Tis good indeed to read some happiness on a night that W is sleeping @ SIL's!
+++++ She can be cold like the winter And hot like the sun But she won't make like the river and run She's a hard headed woman But she gon see you through She'll see you through the falling rain When it's falling on you
