Today my H and I had our 1st joint counseling session, and it went REALLY well!!!
It becomes more apparant to me w/each week that goes by that we ARE making progress. Our communication is getting so much better now. We're both learning to say what needs to be said, learn what the other needs (not what we think they need) and have a much more giving relationship.
Our C asked me to tell my H what progress I felt we had made, so I did. This also enabled me to say something to him that I had been wanting to say...but just didn't have the nerve to in the past...afraid that it would be misunderstood.
Around the time I 1st started trying to get him to understand we had a problem (a year ago this past Christmas) a guy I knew started really pursuing me. He was intent on stealing me away from my H. No, I didn't go there...but I'll be honest, I WAS VERY TEMPTED! This guy continued the pursuit for about 6 months all-in-all, maybe a bit longer. Now while I didn't do anything, I didn't egg him on....(this guy just saw something he thought he wanted and was bound & determined to have it.) I must admit I really did enjoy the attention....however, I always kept him at arms-length. Never met for drinks when invited etc.
I guess I took this opportunity to drive home (maybe bad phrasing there) the fact that if my H hadn't chosen the path that he did....we wouldn't be where we are today. I knew in my own heart that that "cheating" boundary of mine kept moving, and I didn't know exactly where the line was from day-to-day anymore. I knew too that if I ever had a weak moment and did cheat on him that for me that would have signaled the end of our marriage. I've always said that if you feel you need to cheat...you don't need to be married...and I do believe that.
We all have our weak moments, and yes I do believe cheating is a choice too...but sometimes in our anger/resentment we make bad choices...that's what I was afraid I would do.
So I thanked my H VERY sincerely for choosing the path that he did...because I do love him, I didn't want to see our M end....and I'm not sure I would have ever forgiven myself for doing something like that to him (if I had).
He thought over what I said for a second, didn't get upset like I thought he might...and asked me "why haven't you told me this before?" Reasonable question. I said..."because I felt like if I told you about this guy and what he was doing to pursue me you would assume I had already cheated...when I hadn't." I was a fraid it might do more damage than good...at that time. I also gave him an example of one time when I actually told him this guy was in town and that he had invited me out to have drinks with him (alone) and my H gave me the go-ahead to go. I even invited my H along (to see if he would bite, not wanting me to go alone...you know?)...but he said "Oh I don't need to go, I trust you!" I explained to him, that if I had been in the frame of mind to cheat...he would have made it so very easy for me to do.
He took this all very well I have to admit. I know he knows in his heart I didn't do anything...but he sees now too how easily it could have happened....to him....again.
I feel so much better for getting that out in the open with him. It's perhaps the ONE thing I've been wanting to get out but was really afraid to, afraid he would think I did cheat when I didn't. But now it's out, now I feel better...now he knows too that his trust was well placed, but that I am human too.
All in all...this session went very well. We see our C again next week, can't wait to see what happens at that one. I truly think we won't be needing to see her for all that long really. We're learning how to communicate more effectively w/each other...we're learning each other's love languages and are starting to speak them better. The physical part is starting to fall into place too. My H is actually verbalizing that he has sexual urges, now it's just a matter of acting on them...which he is beginning to do as well.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders today!
