It has taken very nearly 18 months since I initially brought the problem up to my H. 9-mo after I first brought it up I put my foot down and insisted we seek out professional help in the way of a counselor. The counselor was able to do what I could not, and that was to get him to see how self-destructive his behavior towards me had become. Our initial C referred him to the therapist he saw from June up until 2-months ago, who we recently discovered wasn't really doing us any good (he concentrated on bio-feedback and my H just didn't speak up that he was uncomfortable with this.) As of this last month we have been seeing a C together, who we both really like, and who he is very comfortable with.
However during this entire time I have continued to talk, ask questions, talk some more, be empathetic, tell him what I need clearly, tell him what I am still not receiving from him that I still need....and be patient. I also had to work on my own behavior and realize that I hadn't been communicating clearly to him. I had been doing a dance around his feelings/ego in order not to hurt him...which in turn only ended up with me using euphamisms and not being clear in my communication to him. I feel I was fortunate going into this whole process to know that the changes that were going to be required of both of us were going to take time...and I had no idea how much/little time it would require. I found it VERY helpful for me to concentrate, recognize, and validate the small improvements and efforts he would make. I've learned to view those efforts as achievements and progress and signs that he loves me...which is exactly what they were/are.
#2 Did you rely on any self help other than SSM?
Well, yes...my instincts & this BB (which by the way EVERYONE, you have been soooo very helpful!) My gut told me there was much more at play than just the fact that my H had a nearly non-existent libido. He had a past to deal with, he has everyday pressures to deal with, he has conditioning to deal with.
I am a very analytical person, so I have a tendancy to try to view problems from every angle...which can be both a blessing and a curse. I found I often tried to put myself in my H's shoes, to try to see things from his perspective. So far I've found that while I've been wrong about some of my conclusions where he's been concerned, I've actually been correct the majority of the time. So trust your instincts....but squash that little monster called "pride" that rattles on in your head. You know the one that keeps saying "why can't he/she just do it!" "Why do I have to do all the work!" That pesky little pain in the butt is so very destructive!
I guess the main thing I've learned...and am still learning, is that if you love your spouse...and you want your marriage to work, you can't give up on them. You've got to be persistent & consistent....and just when you think you cannot do this one more day....try again!
I hope something out of that rambling comes in useful for you
