Quote: One of the really weird and wonderful things about marriage is that your S DOES know your flaws, doesn't like them, and sticks around anyway. Let a little gratitude for this sneak in.
Good point.
So where the hel! have you been for the last year, dude? Between Corri leaving, the Nops trying to solve barney and nicegals' problems, and me trying to solve my own problems, it's really selfish of you to lurk.
HD. my interest in the timing was the de-focus on her and re-focus on you, shortly after her arrival.
Sorry, folks, I still smell contrivance on the part of his wife - and yes, HD still needs to work on his conflict avoider regardless.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Absolutely . I was very focused on looking for clues to my situation. Not in the mindset of giving advice. I doubt I have much to offer you. The key thing I noticed in all my reading was the similarities between spouses. Turned that observation on my own situation and have been pleasantly surprised at the results.
I'm generally a quiet person in RL too. (NOT shy, NOT anti-social or socially anxious, NOT in a shell, NOT a loner, and NOT the next "she was a quiet person" neighborhood serial killer. ) Just quiet. I learn more with my ears and eyes than with my mouth. (you can do other things with mouths... )
Not to mention, talking alot has a way of lengthening unproductive meetings....yuck.
Hairdog. I am re-reading "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch, @1997. Am I reading about you and Mrs DH starting on page 298, and especially on page 303 to 308? Talk about parallel universes!
Have you read the book and especially these pages? It's about a two-choice dilemma Audrey and Peter are confronting. Is your real name Peter or Harry? I don't remember if you commented on this before.
HD, you have to read it. Another printing might have the information on another page. Chapter 11, "Two-Choice Dilemmas and Normal Marital Sadism" starts on page 291, topic heading "No One Wants to Face Two-Choice Dilemmas". Probally best to start reading fron the beginning of the chapter.
The woman in the book, Audrey, had issues with her mother. If I remember correctly, your W had issues with one of her parents.
Reading this part of the book might reinforce your feelings that you are right in saying your W is witholding sex. If your W read this part she might see it as you pushing her nose in the poop. Just my quick thoughts.
If my W read the book, one of her comments would be "Just another book that promotes sex from a mans point of view" or "Just another book written to justify a man getting laid." She would do it diplomatically.
Prior to my back surgery in 1981, then her hysterectomy shortly after that, my W would have been interested in the book. Now it's a touchy subject and her views are mostly, men just want sex, and it's natural for women that lose their natural hormone factory, can't take artificial hormones, to not be interested in sex. IE, castrated women become asexual. I understand my W's point to a degree but find I still need almost all the emotional and sexual closeness we had prior to 1981.
We had our appointment today. I don't have much time to report, but it went fairly well. I really put it clearly to W that I feel it is impossible for me to be the perfect husband, and that every time I slip a bit, I feel it takes that much more time to try to attain the peak. C let W know that W's way is not the only way, and that, while it's okay to have a preference, she should not expect me to make the bed the same way she does, clean the kitchen the same way she does, etc...
Next week, it's my turn to visit the counselor by myself. I'm looking forward to it already.
Interesting enneagram moment. C asked us if we'd read about our types in the enneagram books. W said she had, and that it didn't really hold any surprises...didn't feel good or bad about it. I said I had, and that I couldn't believe how pitiful 6s were...that I had ended up being the worst of the nine types. The C laughed and said, that I "got it", and that every type who "gets it" has a similar reaction. Then W admitted that she hadn't had a lot of time to focus on the book (upcoming trial tomorrow), and the C recommended that she closely read the type 1 material.
Cutesy language has its place but is another way of avoiding the real issue.
When I worked in the grouphome for deliquent boys it was street language because that is the only "wave length" or "radio frequency" the boys would understand and relate to.
BTW, I like to ML, I also like getting laid, I like sex, I like to F--- my W and I like being f---ed by my W. I would write out the whole word but do not want to offend anyone.
Would your W relate better to street, clinical or cutesy language?
Hi HD... I am having a love-hate relationship with my 4-ness. I'd rather be a 6. How's that for self esteem?
Thanx for telling us all about the enneagram...it's led to a few good convos between H and me. Sounds like you have a very good MC ( which you need now that Corri is away).
) Just quiet. I learn more with my ears and eyes than with my mouth. (you can do other things with mouths... 