Hi Folks. I've been trying to work out a lot of things on my own lately, so I've just been poking my head in here now and then. Now, I need to figure some stuff out. First, some background.
MC has been going well...the C is very good. One of my W's complaints is that she doesn't feel safe enough to open up to me emotionally and physically, because of my actions. For instance, she brings up some intentional withholding of truth (she calls it "lying") about our financial situation, which I did when I was handling finances. I didn't tell her about the situation because I thought I could fix it before she found out that we were financially tighter than it appeared. When she found out, she was more upset about me lying to her than the actual financial sitch.
Fast forward to this week when she was out of town from Tuesday night until last night. In the evenings, she is usually responsible for giving our three dogs pills. I usually take over this responsibility when she is unable. While she was gone this time, I didn't do it...I forgot.
When she got home last night, she was giving the pills to the dogs and she asked if I had done so. I outright lied and said, "yes." She knew I hadn't, because one new bottle hadn't been opened , and another bottle had had only two or three pills left on Tuesday.
Why did I lie? I think because I didn't want to disappoint her and didn't want her to be mad at me. Instead, she caught me in this lie and said, "Now we're back to square one." She says she can't trust me to tell the truth about anything, and, even though this is a little matter (pills), she wouldn't be able to tell if I was lying about big things, either. She is pissed, big time. She even was saying that she might just "give up," whatever that means.
I feel I have to be perfect in order to please her. My fear of her disappointment over not giving the dogs their pills led me to an even bigger sin -- lying.
I feel like a real jerk for lying. But I also feel like I torpedoed our progress toward a healthy relationship.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Don't be afraid to beat me up for lying.
Hey I know what you're talking about. There are times I find myself doing that (occassionally) and I think it's also to not disappoint my H...or probably to be more honest to keep me from looking like an irresponsible idiot.
I'm finding that for myself I have to force myself to just own up to it and say..."oh crap! I forgot!, you always take care of that and it just slipped my mind." In our case it's feeding grain to our horses when he's away....no, I don't always forget to feed them LOL. They certainly aren't starving, they have nearly 30 acres of really good grazing, it's just the grain that we like to feed them daily that I sometimes forget about when he's not around. But when I forget and he asks me about it, it always makes me feel like that little girl who forgot to do her chores and is now going to be scolded by daddy.
All I can say here is...if she has trust issues Hairdoggie, you're going to have to force yourself to own up and be honest with her...otherwise you run the risk of her running with that little lie and using that as an excuse not to trust you.
Oh My, I'm sorry. I have to beat you up a little though about the lying
Why O Why would you lie when you know how she feels about it? Maybe the C will have some possitive feedback about this incident? I Hope you can get this straightened out.
HD, If there is some progress being made with the C, Mrs.HD is most likely uncomfortable to some degree. Your lie, while a little white one in your mind, may be a justification for Mrs.HD to halt progress which is making her uncomfortable. "I forgot" sounds irresponsible and I understand why you didn't want to say it to her. If you see this as a learning experience, ie this feels so bad that I never want to put myself or Mrs.HD in this position again, than you may have something there. Is something about Mrs.HD that makes you afraid to own up?
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
I am big on taking responsibility for yourself--good and bad. Perhaps just coming clean with her and telling her that you have never been the type of person to lie (call a spade a spade and knock it off with the intentional withholding of truth business, imo) and you would very much like her help in eliminating this troublesome dynamic that is creeping up in your R. You want her to be able to trust your word, I'm certain of that.
She does play a big part in all of this, but I wouldn't dare say that! You are married to a person who expects perfection--and uses her anger and hostile personality to keep you in line--but has zero tolerance for anyone getting angry over HER shortcomings. So while you know lying to your wife about anything is wrong, I sense some resentment creeping up because she clearly does not keep her promises to you, wrt to your love life.
However, I don't think this is the time to bring all that up. Just apologize for the lie and promise to not do it again. And then don't.
I might be tempted to try and enlist her help..you know..."I don't know why I have started doing this in my forties but I do know that I am deathly afraid of you being angry at me. I'm not blaming you for my own dishonesty, just saying stating that I will need your help in overcoming this tendency. If I spend all my time dreading the moment when I fcuk up, I will get so internally freaked out that I may do something stupid. Look. I am NOT perfect. I screw up and forget things. You can't eat off the toilet when I'm done cleaning it. I need you to understand and accept that. As for myself, I need to face the music, no matter what. I'm sorry for lying. I can see how it erodes your ability to trust me and relate to me as an adult."
For now, though, just apologize and make a mental note to stay on the high road. Hairy, I am a screwup too. I forget things and have a tendency to be absent minded. If my H reacted with the vitriol that your W does, I'd be scared shiitless most of the time, of being caught.
She knew what she was getting into with you, right? I mean, your nature should not come as a surprise to her after 5 years together.
OTOH, she has a right to expect honesty from her mate.
Give it to her.
And then you can eventually bring up her anger with the C and MrsHD can learn that hostility breeds fear in those around you and fear can lead to stupid behavior.
HP: You know, five minutes after she caught me lying, and I was still smarting from it, and enduring her silence, she turned to me and said, "You know, you haven't even apologized yet." What this did, of course, was that it rendered any subsequent apology meaningless. I told her this. I also told her I was sorry. She said I was right, that it was pretty meaningless.
I'm thinking about sending her an email with the essence of what you mentioned in your post. I'm letting stuff sink in, though, because I know that rushing in to try to fix this won't work.
W, I really am sorry I lied. I didn’t want to disappoint you, so I tried to cover up for forgetting to give the dogs their pills. I realize that was wrong. Please forgive me.
There’s really nothing more to say and nothing you can do at this point. Just don’t do it again.
Hairy, My H does this also! When he screws up (and he does, he aint perfect, despite what he would like to believe, lol) he spends all of his time ruminating on what a screwup he is and immediately jumps into suckup mode. But he forgets to SAY out loud, I am sorry. This is big for me.
As Catholics, we believe in the sacrament of reconciliation--confession. A lot of people wonder why we do this and can't you just say 'sorry' to God all by yourself? Of course you can. But having to go to someone and say the words out loud ..well, I just can't say what an impact that has on you! It's pretty amazing to sit there and hear your voice saying this stuff out loud to another person and then let's say you go a few weeks later and say the same damn things..well, the effect is that you start to NOT want to have to do that again.
I'm not sure that it would be the same if you were just silently apologizing to God, since we all have a tendency to forgive ourselves MUCH easier and quicker than others do, right!
Saying the words out loud is very powerful, both to the listener and the apologizer.
Food for thought.
Of course, your wife and I both share a punitive nature, so that could play into it, as well.
Take care and WB's suggestion was excellent. Short and to the point. No excess verbiage.
Aaawww - I'm really sorry. I know how it feels to not want to do anything to hurt an already painful situation and then inadvertently do so anyway. I think HP is dead on and I think you recognize that. Unfortunately, your choice gave Mrs. HD ammunition for her stockpile. However, you can admit your error and tell her that you will be working on your behaviors in the future. Then you can stop her when she throws it back in your face - "Mrs. HD, I admitted my error. I committed to doing better in the future. What improvements to our R are you committing to?" Believe me, your mistake gave Mrs. HD an "out" for improving herself in the R. Regardless of what you did continuing the M demands that each of us take responsibility for ourselves instead of keeping score on the other.
