Quote: I'll throw that one out there to you guys - all that time that you chose other things over ML to your wife and she complained periodically about it - did you believe that you were doing things to communicate desire to her or did you know that you weren't?
Karen- It’s really all a matter of perspective. I used to occasionally get drunk and mushy and complimentary to my wife. This used to infuriate her. She would say “How come you only tell me I’m beautiful when you’re drunk?” To which I would reply “People are always at their most honest when they are drunk”
Her perspective was definitely that I did not demonstrate any desire for her. My perspective was that she knows how I feel about her. I agreed to marry her, didn’t I?
In essence, I did not take the time/ feel the need/ realize the significance of stepping into her shoes and seeing her perspective. I have no idea why. Again, the only explanation I can offer is that I was self centered.
KEB is absolutely right. Now that I am being threatened with losing her, I think about my wife all day long. I desire her like I have desired no other woman before. I would ML to her twice a day every day if she would let me. Passionate kisses and sucking of toes. The whole nine yards.
So, even though I now recognize the errors of my ways, at the time, I did a good enough job of communicating my desires.
I think another issue I never acknowledged was my parents as role models. They’ve been married for almost 40 years. They are absolutely committed to each other. I know they love each other. But they have never been affectionate or complimentary in front of me. I think I just, without thinking through the issue, assumed that this was how married people acted. My wife saw things differently.
Unfortunately, we never took the time discuss our different expectations of how married people act toward each other. We both made assumptions, and acted on those assumptions.
Maybe some communication regarding expectations and beliefs could help. I’m sure my wife would tell you she had the same discussions with me that you have had with your husband. Unless he explicitly tells you he wants a divorce, I think it’s safe to say he wants to stay married to you. You just need to make him understand that he is facing a very real risk that he will be subjected to divorce if he doesn’t get with the program.
It sucks, but the guy needs to BELIEVE that something bad is going to happen soon before he’ll examine things outside his comfort zone. I didn’t think any of this was a big deal until my wife told me she wanted to leave. Then I believed her and developed a deep regret for having not acted sooner.
