Fixit, I forgot about the "it's always available" mentality...I think that plays into a lot with my H, too.
He has said those exact words to me, in reply to why it's not enticing to him. He may not be the world's most aggressive man, but he is still a MAN, kwim? He likes a challenge, the hunt. I don't provide that for him. He asked me to turn him down sometimes, in order to make things more interesting between us but I haven't done that so far. For starters, he never believes me when I DO turn him down..and tries to proceed anyway, and secondly I don't feel right doing it. What the heck is the point of turning someone down just to create a false sense of a chase for him? He would know it was false and so would I. That's just silly.
I did have an idea to flirt with him during times when it's off limits so that he can have a taste of the "I want it but can't have it" thing, but that's awfully hard to do in our current lifestyle. We have 3 small kids and they occupy so much of our physical time that I'd probably have to shout my flirts at him in order to be heard above the noise. I'm hoping that when summer hits--and the kids play outside more instead of right under our feet--I can get a little more of this dynamic going on. Plus, my H is a leg man and I always get more sex in summer anyway, LOL.
Thanks for the reply. I know it is an exceedingly hard thing to explain. I appreciate your attempts.
Hey Honey-- I don't have much to add to what FixIt said. His inputs are pretty much right on! (Again--FixIt--that stuff about TV--you're scarin' me man! Are you my alter-ego?)
Just wanted to strengthen the whole novelty thing. Guys...and many girls for that matter...what what they can't/don't have. Once you get it...novelty gone. I think it goes back to our primal needs/urges...men were hunters and conquerers. They were always looking for that next wooly-mammoth to eat or tribe to conquer. So, innately, we have are always seeking the "new." Just my two cents...and just thinking out loud.
Now to change the subject a little. I also think there is an obsessive/controlling nature to our MB. Through my C, I've come to see that my obsessiveness is not just a little quirk that is entertaining to my friends and family. It has many detrimental aspects as well.
I am an all or nothing kind of guy. I'm not so obsessive that my world has to be constantly perfect. Instead, if I can't have it perfect...it will be chaos. I don't want half-a$$ed perfect...I don't want just adequate. Throw into that mix my need for control--and you have a pretty powerful destructive force. The things that I can't control and make perfect...I allow to delve into utter chaos. Example: my car...with kids...it's never going to be clean the way I want it...so it's a pig-sty. Every six months or so, I attempt to bring it back to perfect but the crushed goldfish crackers on the floor send me into a spin and I would either spent eight hours replacing the carpet or give up completely.
Does all that make sense? I think on some level it has to do with S vs. MB. S requires something out of my control...so, it can't be perfect. It's easier to just MB because for the most part, I control every aspect of that...therefore, I become obsessive about doing it.
It's scary! I didn't recognize all of that until my C and I talked about it last week. She also pointed out that the big O was all about surrendering control...so through MB, maybe I was trying to control even when I was surrending it!
Sorry if this is all confusing. I'm still working on sorting all of it out! But, I wanted to provide another perspective.
The sad thing in all of this...MOST of the root cause has nothing to do with my W at all. She is just the victim of my insecurities and personal ticks. I'm thinking...and I'm no pschologist...that many LDMs are at least some variation of me.
Nothing of significance to add right now. But I just wanted to say that reading your posts makes me feel like I have a straight line into my H's head! Thank you for sharing.
Keb you said......Just wanted to strengthen the whole novelty thing. Guys...and many girls for that matter...what what they can't/don't have. Once you get it...novelty gone. I think it goes back to our primal needs/urges...men were hunters and conquerers. They were always looking for that next wooly-mammoth to eat or tribe to conquer. So, innately, we have are always seeking the "new." Just my two cents...and just thinking out loud.
Okay a question. What can a wife do to try and make her man feel like he has to conquer her. I am thinking and it was interesting that the one husband replied to turn him down every so often. But my husband never really initiates sex. Only when I am at the point of sheer frustration and am so angry then he will. At that point I usually take it because it has been weeks and am so horny. So during those times should I turn him down anyway? See and I have tried this approach before where I wouldn't nag or get angry about sex at all. I didn't even mention it. However I tried to give subtle signs that I was available. I would give him a kiss or be loving towards him. I dressed really nice to try and get him interested. During that time we went two months with no sex. He didn't even talk about it or try to initiate at all.
Cally-- I don't really have a good answer here. I just know that for most of the M, I wasn't a big initiator. I've covered a myriad of excuses why. But, one thing was the availability. MrFixIt said it best, why have S tonight when I can watch anothr re-run of CHiPs and have S tomorrow.
But, speaking from experience NOW...it's gone, no more availabilty. I WANT it and would initiate EVERY night if she would let me. She has made it clear that she is not mine for the having anymore. She won't change in front of me, won't let me in the bathroom while she's showering, etc. It's KILLING me!
Of course, it alls circles back to the MB thing. I stopped that 6 weeks ago and as the weeks have progressed, my need has grown!! So, together with not being able to have it...I'm almost to the point of out and out begging! Not a good DB princple!!
If you can get your H to read the John Gray book, Everlasting Love (or something like that). It talks about ways for guys to achieve the ultimate intimacy...that's where I learned about the no MB thing!! And, I am a total believer in it!! Also, maybe you can try taking yourself off of his menu. I don't how this would work in a non-WA situation. In my case, my W is completely SERIOUS.
Glad to be of assistance Jules (hope you don't mind being called that!)
MrFixIt and I are planning a crusade to teach men about all of this before they get to where we are!! There is absolutely no reason why guys like us should ignore our Ws. All of this is SO unnecessary and with a little knowledge and a lot of work, guys could preempt a lot of WAW and D. It's much easier to keep and cherish what you have than to try and win it back!!
You ladies on here are absolute jewels! You have been down the hard road and have felt the sadness of not feeling desired and/or wanted. Yet, you looked for answers...you guys have provided so much insight for me!! Helped steer me from stupid thoughts...or in some cases, THWACKED the stupid thinking from my head! I'm hoping that in time, my wife will be like you guys...on the road to a HEALTHY M with her H--ME!!
I second that. I am in such a negative space about our sexual R right now that I am emotionally immobile. However, reading this thread really helps me understand how my H's choices really aren't necessarily because he "doesn't want me."
The thing is that I need to get him to understand that I need to SEE that he does want me. Just saying it when I bring it up, saying it to the C, and acquiescing when I initiate DOESN'T show diddly. My question is - Does he think it does?
I'll throw that one out there to you guys - all that time that you chose other things over ML to your wife and she complained periodically about it - did you believe that you were doing things to communicate desire to her or did you know that you weren't? Not to go over old territory but I am just wondering.
Something more positive - the weekend is coming. Any postitive stuff you can do to speak your W's LL this weekend?
You were a big help with your reply. Thank-you so much!! I will look for that book and order it for sure. It is worth a shot to ask him to read it and read it myself.
I am also going to take myself off his menu. I notice if we do have sex anymore I always feel like crap afterwards. Because he initiated because I was complaining and making a big deal out of our intimate life. So I never am left feeling he did it because he wanted to or that he wanted me. Then I am left feeling like okay how long is this going to last where he will initiate sex to get me off his back. Because it always lasts a couple weeks then it is back to the same. It has been this way for 5 years. When I am to the point of ending the marriage is when he will try. But I guess he has come to become comfortable with that maybe? I threaten, he tries for a few weeks. He has gotten back into my good graces again until the next time. So I guess when I threaten I have had enough he don't take me seriously
If I am going to work on me I can't have this hanging over my head every day worrying and pondering about it. If I remove sex from my mind and come off his menu maybe it will help achieve two things...work on me... and make him realize I have had enough.
