Quote:

Quote:

. Why is withholding sex any worse than say withholding affection or quality time or acceptance?



Because it is a more basic biological need that can't be fulfilled in any other relationship unless one resorts to adultery or pornography/MB.



I agree, and yet I disagree that this is reason enough that my spouse is obliged to provide me with sex or that it is somehow a higher need than any other need. I was playing devil’s advocate when I asked the above question, but on some level, I am beginning to understand that the answer.

One example I can think of is my H’s request for backrubs from me. He has always loved it when I do this. Pretty early on, when we would get into fight following a rejection from him, he would state that I never gave him backrubs. This would make me utterly furious and I would rant that the two things are absolutely not comparable because he could go to any spa and pay a $100 and get himself a backrub, but where did he suggest that I go and pay a $100 and get f*cked? You can imagine where the dialogue would go after this.

But now…now I get it. See, it wasn’t just that that he wanted a backrub. He wanted a backrub from me, his wife. He wanted me to perform this loving act for him because (insert the exact same reasons why I want him to perform loving acts on me ) So my suggesting that he get a backrub at the spa is in essence the same thing as him telling me to go f*ck myself.

I think another reason why I finally get this is that I do have other things that I need from him. In order of importance, I need his touch, his time and his companionship. I was never able to identify #s 2and 3 because I was so starving for #1. Now that I am satiated (NOT!), I am able to see what else I need from him. Per my old argument, I could easily get these needs fulfilled from other relationships. But I found that plenty of sex alone wasn’t enough. Pretty soon, we found ourselves in other crucibles and I wanted him to spend time with me, take me out to dinner and the theater and what not…it is him I want to do these things with, even though I have the opportunity to do it with other people.

Anyhow, this is my take on things at the present moment. I want to add that my sex drive is more emotional than biological, so it is possible we see things very differently.

Julie