No worries about the whacks...they weren't more than I can handle! And, they serve a vital purpose in continuing the positive and productive dialogue here.
Quote: Now, to hijack for my own purposes, lol, could you go into more depth about the not man enough thing? My H (like all LDH's I imagine) has used that exact phrase many many times. In what ways do you feel inadequate and how does that manifest itself in your interactions with your wife? Is it mainly in your head (your own insecurities) or is it something that she is doing or saying? In my situation I believe it was both--I made him feel insecure by bringing up other men who'd surely want me, and he did it to himself (I'm guessing).
There are probably a million different reasons why guys don't feel man-enough. I think the main reason is societal conditioning. It has been touched on in a variety of ways--even in this thread. Everything you see, hear, read talks about the husband who always wants it. So, you begin to believe if you don't...you're somehow less of a man if that isn't who you are. Additionally, you don't know how to address it--especially younger guys. Who in their right mind wants to go to the Dr. and tell them that they don't have a S-drive? Or that their little soldier isn't as rigid as he used to be. I mean, those are problems for old-guys...not guys in their twenties and thirties.
Then, there are our own internal demons. Things that could have scarred us in the past. Our religious up-bringing. Or, even things like conditioning and nurturing. A good example of this in my situation is that growing up with lots of sisters made me VERY sensitive about being a gentleman and doing good things for women. One of my first memories (must have been around 3 y.o.) was of my sister crying to another sister about her boyfriend who took advantage of her. Oh did I mention that at the time, all six kids shared one bedroom. I didn't necessarily understand what it meant then...but I knew that it involved a boyfriend and he made my sister cry by something physical he did. When I was older, I understood and vowed not to ever "take advantage."
Oh yeah, don't ever forget the whole SIZE issue. Whether or not it's a myth, most guys (at least average or below) worry about the size.
On top of that, let's add expectations of the partner, perceived or blatantly stated. This one can be the hardest to overcome unless the two of you have amazing communication skills. Early in M life, we don't know (or at least most of us don't--guys especially) about things like love language, etc. Those books on relationships are marketed to US...besides, reading about relationship problems = "less of a man" because we can't "do it" right...so we need help.
Now, I'm not saying that any of this is necessarily RIGHT. Smart guys, would read the books and learn to communicate and do things like "S therapy." Because the tools you learn from that can help you become more complete and hence, feel more masculine.
It's just that there is a masculinity disconnect in there somewhere. It's a cycle and I have a feeling that in most cases, it takes a BOMB like we're experiencing now to actually get OVER that feeling of being less than a man and to take action to fix it! You see the cyclical nature of it all?
How do they manifest themselves in our interactions with our Ws? Well, how do most men deal with their problems? Ignore them until they go away. You have a problem? Ignore it--ignore her needs because you feel inadequate--maybe it will go away. Then, when the time comes to "fight" about it...you suck it up, get over your insecurities "fix it" in the short-term to end the conflict. Then, when everything seems to be hunky-dory, you can begin to ignore it again...slide back to the easy days where you didn't have to worry about the soldier slumping on the job or not being big enough to satisfy!
OI-VEY--I've made my own head spin. I think I need to print this out and take it to my C session this afternoon! .
Hope that makes sense! I'll catch up with you guys later...gotta run. K
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