If so, what's her stance on the marriage at this point?
Her stance is that she doesn't know. Untill she decides whether she wants to stay or leave, she doesn't want to put any effort into trying to repair the marriage.
By all appearences, our marriage is fine. Except we don't have sex, her love for me has been extinguished and she said she wants a divoce. Other than that, nothing has changed. I say this only half jokingly. Since the bomb, we've begun talking a lot more. I notice what she's wearing and changes she's made. I thank her for being a great wife and mother and compliment her. Things seem better. I also suspect she must have a glimmer of hope or she would have already left.
We went to counseling together once and individually several times. She said it doesn't help because she's just trying to make a decision and the counseling doesn't help her decide.
I know she's been ignored and her self esteem affected. I want to change that, both for my benefit (the exciting sex) and for her (she's a great wife and mother- she ought to be happy).
I think the changes are easy to implement and maintain. The hard part is getting her to see the limitless potential of a marriage where we both put some effort into it.
Although she never told me, her cheif complaint has been that the sex is boring. Because it's been boring for her, she hasn't been enthusiastic about it. Because she hasn't been enthusiastic, I thought she wasn't interested in sex at all. Because I didn't think she was interested in the sex, I tried to keep it as infrequent, quick and uninvolved as possible. Because it was quick and uninvolved, it was boring. Repeat cycle.
In the meantime, she has become quite adept at MB. Because she doesn't want to put any effort into repair until she makes her decision, she has no incentive to let an "amatur" have access to her nether regions. I admit it will take me a few tries to learn to pleasure her again. It's been a while since we've had passionate sex.
I truly beleive, however, that if the cycle could be broken, our marriage could regain much passion. and be satisfying for everyone. Right now, she doesn't have any hope. She thinks the only place she will find passion is outside the marriage.
I've appologized for making inaccurate assumptions and being selfish. But until she lets me try to give her exciting sex she's not going to get exciting sex from me.
If she decides she wants to stay, I think things will improve rapidly. But until then, she won't let me into her thoughts and I've got to work at this alone.
The short answer is: we're not officially doing anything. I'm trying to figure out what needs have been unmet and meet those needs. I'm getting better but could use some help from her.
