I just wanted to add a warning. Do not say anything to your wife that would make her think you were purposefully withholding sex from her because you were angry or resentful. Some HDFolk like me can not deal with this concept at all. If I start thinking that my H was or is withholding sex, it makes me want to leave him pronto because, in my mind, this is totally unacceptable behavior along the lines of physical abuse. I can not tolerate the thought of being in a relationship where the price I might pay for not being a perfect wife is not getting laid. Does this make sense?
Jen,
I don’t agree with this, though I understand what you are saying. Why is withholding sex any worse than say withholding affection or quality time or acceptance? Obviously, we HDs think that it is something that should be above and beyond everything else in the relationship, but we hear time and again that it does not work that way for the LD spouse.
My H and I have talked a lot about this. Yes, he did withhold from me. I asked him why. He said it was partly ignorance, because he didn’t understand how much our SL meant to me. It was partly laziness and selfishness, this was dominant in the early years. It was partly resentment and control, this was dominant in the later years. He felt that there were things I withheld from him, and he had been giving more to the relationship than he was getting. (Of course, I felt the same way…don’t we all?)
It took me a long time to understand and accept that he had been withholding, not necessarily the sex, but the willingness to make the effort.
KEB, right now is not the time to tell your wife that she was in any way responsible for your sex life going down the tubes. What I am trying to caution you against is going the other way and taking all the blame on yourself. Tread a fine line. Accept your responsibility and acknowledge her pain. At some later date, you can hopefully address her part of the puzzle.
