That is a drawback, for sure. Usually I can hear anything loud through the earplugs, but the loudest thing I ever had to worry about was two barking dogs in the room with me. I could definitely hear them.
I've been following your sitch. I must admit that I am fascinated by your comments on "worshipping" your W and all the while behaving in a way that made her feel ignored. My H said in counseling that he "worships the ground I walk on" but I often feel that he sees me as a mere speck of dust on that ground. I have tried and tried to help him hear what I am asking for. I have tried and tried to show him my love in the ways that he asks. In the end all the "nice" in the world doesn't do the job that naked honesty and changed behaviors will.
I want to add to what Honeypot suggested. When you compliment your W's appearance I would make bold, specific sexual type compliments that are really true. Does she have great hair? gorgeous lips? sexy legs? Whatever. Tell her! It would even be better if you put it in the context of - Gee your legs look great in that skirt. I have always loved your legs. When she begins to show some interest - a hand up the side of her leg makes the point - kwim?
As HP said, projecting.....perhaps. You seem to really be starting to understand why your W was feeling so neglected even as you just about did yourself in "doing" for her. My H does TONS for me and the family (he's quite in touch with his feminine side too) but if he let the laundry slide once in a while and just took me to bed - oh, the relationship mileage........
Quote: My H does TONS for me and the family...but if he let the laundry slide once in a while and just took me to bed - oh, the relationship mileage........
Karen
Hmm,
Do the laundry, f*&^ my wife? Do the laundry, f*&^ my wife? Life is so full of difficult decisions .
It seems, KEB, that you are comfortable serving your W in many ways. Do you think that ML is also "serving" your W? This can be a part of the hang-up. If you and W can get to a point of mutual pleasuring, rather than feeling pressure to send her to the moon, it might be an activity that you both would look forward to. I think it's great that you want to make your W happy. But that doesn't address the root issue of the discomfort and pressure you feel over having to ML. If your W is agreeable to reconciliation, you are going to need to work out your feelings. In fact, if she becomes aware of your feelings now, she might have her own "Aha!" moment, where she begins to understand your motivations and develop some empathy for you.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Good Morning All-- Well, I broached the subject of ML with my wife last night. I told her in no uncertain terms that I wanted HER. I tried to sneak a peek at her dressing but she hid from me. It all started very light-heartedly. She wanted to know WHY I was interested in watching her dress. I told her it was because I was h0rny--FOR HER!
I explained about the tossing and turning of the night before...how I wanted her SO badly. She asked--in a friendly way--what that would accomplish. I told her that it would help get both of us off. She said it would be detrimental.
Have I mentioned how much she is already mentally out the door? I explained to her what I'd learned about MB and the feminine side...and how I stopped immediately upon reading about that. She laughed and told me to go ahead and MB. I told her I didn't WANT that...I wanted HER!
She wouldn't acquiesce. That was all fine and good. BUT, then it led into a deeper R discussion. She wanted to talk about the note I wrote her. You see, yesterday afternoon...after reading GELs post about the hurt...it really hit me how much she hurt. You guys cautioned about calling...so I didn't. I wrote poem/letter about being sorry for the 4,878 days that we've been together. I also explained how I wanted her free her heart to be happy. I meant it as a way to soften her heart and learn to love again...but love ME. It backfired and she took it to mean that I was finally letting her go. UH-OH! Bad move KEBall!! So, then, I had to sit and try to validate her feelings while making it know that I didn't want to let her go. She was confused and frustrated. I was kicking myself.
Anyway, I went to bed...and she watched the Bachelorette (taped). When she came to bed several hours later I was still awake and my mind was in turmoil. So, after she got settled. I asked if I could ask her some questions. She said yes. So, I held her hand and started.
Let's just say...it went badly. No arguing but I succeeded in pushing her back again. However, we ended up cuddling for a little while. But, she wouldn't have anything to do with my "advances." One thing that happened...when we were talking...she made it know that she is still hanging on the "gay" issue. Something, somewhere has convinced her that I'm unhappy because that's who I really am. I explained once again...that it's NOT me but could feel that I was beating dead horse. Her mind is made up and it's a nice excuse to cling to for her.
Oh well...just another blue morning. Of course, I didn't let her know it. We spooned for 30 minutes or so before I got up.
Okay...sorry for the long post. I gotta get to work! You guys have a GREAT day! K
KEB, What I'm going to say to you is going to sound really sucky but stick with me.
STOP trying to get her to see your side, or to see how you've changed or seen the light.
It will only piss her off more. Right now, she does not want to hear anything good about you..she is licking her wounds. I didn't want to hear a word my husband had to say and, moreover, I wanted to hurt him. Badly. I wanted to go for the jugular and hurt him..humiliate him, even..in the way he had done me. Until I got this out of my system I could not see any good in him. When he tried to defend himself or tell me he'd changed, it made all those feelings come back 10x stronger. I'd then go on the warpath again and want to hurt him, cause ALL I could think about while he was making those declarations was "Where the hell were you for the last four years?!?!"
When you write her letters, I think you should stick to her and how you feel about her. "W, you are sexy and desirable. I think you are a good mother. You make me happy with your funny jokes. I love the way your a$$ looks when you bend over to vacuum. Etc" LOL
Keep the focus on HER, and not on you. At all!!! I know this sounds terrible and you are longing to share your new self with her, but it is not the right time. She doesn't want to see the new KEB cause then she will have to shift her whole viewpoint and she doesn't want to do that right now. She is enjoying her pity party, in other words.
So here is my advice: Focus on her. Let your words be to and about her. Let your actions be for her pleasure. STOP trying to talk to her about you and your relationship with her. This will drive her away.
But I think you've got her wheels spinning. Keep the good parts of last night and repeat them. Ditch the rest. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Eventually you will wear her down, I promise you. I'm speaking from experience here!
You are so wise and every thing you say makes complete and total sense!!! I need to pull my head out of my @ss and stop seeing this as all about ME. She is hurting too...I have to remember that!!
Once again, you came to my emotional rescue. I swear I've never been this needy or such an emotional basket-case. Okay, I've always been needy and an emotional basket-case--it comes from being the youngest of six kids...and the only boy!!
Honey--I really mean it when I say God bless you. You do so much for me and others on these BBs. You have a gift for reaching out to others.
Don't be discouraged. Keep in mind, it took time for your marriage to get to this point, it's going to take time to turn it back around...you've made a start though.
I'm sure we could all kick ourselves for our approach to our spouses at times. But remember, she's clinging to a reason for things not being the way they should...and as you've said she's mentally out the door...but not physically.
You've started converstation...that's a good thing. Whether she admits to it or not, some of the things you've said will sink in, she will probably think on them...she may resist them...but they'll bounce around in her head nonetheless.
Bring some of these things up in counseling...don't be afraid to do that. I mean, if you want to discuss the fact that she is hung up on the fact that she thinks you are gay...talk about that in front of the counselor.
The way I see this is that you are actually fortunate, I know that may sound completely absurd to you at this point but here's why I say that. In my previous marriage my H never heard what I what I was saying when I would tell him he had a drinking problem (which fyi, he did)...years went by, things got worse, I distanced myself from him physically and emotionally. He had hurt me for so long with his drinking, and not listening to me that eventually I felt nothing more than anger towards him.
I wasn't the communicator that I am now, had I been we might still be together today...but I finally reached a point where I shut down towards him. I did mentally check out like your W seems to have done....but there's a difference here between our situations...you are choosing her, my H chose alcohol. You have a wife who is still living with you, still sleeping in your bed and going to counseling with you. You've recognized the problem, you are willing to work on it, and my bet is...if she wasn't willing she wouldn't be going to counseling with you.
Keep the communication going, keep validating her, don't over do it. But do talk with her, listen to her...do things together. If she let you snuggle with her, in my eyes that's a good thing too.
Oh and I do agree with honeypot, keep it focused on her.
Chin up...don't beat yourself up, just keep trying! Persistence and consistency are the keys here!
HD-- ROFLMAO!!! Thanks man!! I appreciate the levity.
I just finished my weekly 1-on-1 with my manager. She always does a sanity check with me because she is also one of my life-long friends. Anyway, I told her that my mind always races ahead of me and chooses the most pathetic situation and takes that path. So, I often find myself in these black holes of pity.
Irreverant humor is one of the few things that can snap me out of it immediately. That, and a few good knocks from the ladies around here.
I appreciate the humor. It honestly felt good to laugh unexpectedly. To quote "Steel Magnolias" -- "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion." (Hmmm...wonder why the wife thinks I'm gay! )
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