KEB, It sounds like you struggle with resentment. Me too. Keep thinking it through...that always seems to help me. And look for the good! I could name 10 examples this past week of ways my H let me down but I choose to focus on the ways he propped me up and danged if that doesn't make my attitude improve.
Regarding the goals...how about starting small? I know the phrase "relationship goals" is pretty intimidating, but perhaps you could think of small, tiny steps you could do that would both help her stop seeing you as the ogre and start building your own confidence. Then you can build on the little steps and get bolder and bolder.
Things like: Rub her shoulders if you are walking by and she is sitting down. Tell her she looks nice today and be specific, if possible. (shows you are paying attention and not just seeing her as a faceless blob who takes care of you and the kids..oh wait, I'm projecting ) Run your fingers through her hair at night. Offer to put lotion on her back, after her shower.
Nice things but not overdoing it. I'm sure you can think of lots more.
My own goals are very small things. Things that I know I can pull off on a regular basis. I purposely did that so I would be sure to nail them every day. I don't need "failure to reach goals" bouncing around in my brain, you know?
Keep at it and try to get the best of that resentment.
Tell me more about the things you need from her. Have you ever asked for them, and what were her reasons for not doing them?
(I'm talking about big emotional needs, here, btw like Quality time or something like that.)
Too bad on the ears. That's a bummer to have a turn on that your spouse isn't all that hip on. However, she might change her tune about this once you two are knockin boots again. Perhaps she was just too pissed off to have to "do" this thing for you. She wanted you to be turned on by HER, maybe? And not what she does? I don't know. Just thinking out loud here.
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