Honey... THANK YOU! I needed some of those words this afternoon.
Quote: I think this type of thinking can be very damaging to a relationship. It doesn't leave much room for the princess to be herself..it doesn't leave much room for the frog to treat her like an equal--for them to be a TEAM.
My H still maintains that he doesn't "deserve" me. There have even been times when he lamented this idea out LOUD while we were having sex. Talk about a mood killer! I know he means it to be flattering but at this point, I see it as a way for him to 'hide', to not be responsible for growth and self discovery. If he's not worthy of me, then he doesn't even have to try. See what I mean?
I completely see what you mean. I know this is what I have done. So, now, I need to reverse it.
All of my family and friends tell me that it would be "her" loss if she leaves me. In many ways, I know that I'm not undeserving. I am a GREAT father. And for all the outside purposes, I'm an above average husband. We have always been a good TEAM but she's tired of feeling like a teammate. Her friends are all jealous at how much attention I pay to her and how helpful I am. Except for the bedroom stuff, I'm not selfish and have always gone out of my way to make her feel special. I think that in many ways, that is one reason her friends have seized on the bedroom thing...it makes me NOT perfect and helps them feel better about their loser husbands! (Sorry, rant off!!) In the opinion of some, I've always gone too far...allowing her to be the selfish one. I try not to listen to that kind of thinking...although it does help prop me up from time-to-time.
I've set several personal growth goals. But, I've been reticent to set R goals because it just seemed to soon. Since your earlier post asking about goals, I've been trying to establish some of those smaller R goals to gauge where WE are.
As for my needs? Where do we start? But, again, I've tried to put those things behind me because playing the blame game is how we got to where we are today. She started our M by giving me some "ground rules" about what she would and wouldn't do...well, it just so happened that a couple of my "wants" fell into the doesn't do category. So, I tried to ask for them one time each...and the answer was always no. I created excuses for her and for myself to never ask again. Beyond the bedroom, there are many other needs that she didn't fulfill...but, back to the "I'm not worthy" stage, I just let them go...and buried my resentment for not receiving them. Example: I always told her if she would just sit on my lap and lick my ear a time or two...I would be hers for the asking. Unfortunately, she has a thing about ears and thinks that touching them is gross.
Like your husband, I wanted more affection (hugs and kisses) but she is not a PDA type...thanks to a very strict cheerleading coach who would kick them off the squad if they were caught even just holding hands with their boyfriend (and things like that!). Being a frustrated performer, I always wanted validation for my talents...not really much but I try. She on the other hand is a TRUE performer...classically trained...and would scoff at my attempts to sing/act, etc.
See how quickly, I devolve into blaming. It's not productive but these are deep scars that I can't let go of.
D@mn, the more I type...the more I find that we really need HELP to make this work. But, you know, I am willing to work...now that we have the tools. That is what I try to convey to her...we haven't exhausted all our options. We are just now at the beginning of the repair stage. She doesn't want to have anything to do with it, though!
Okay...sorry for the rambling. Hopefully, I answered your questions. And, again, I thank you for your honesty and support.
