I can unoquivocably state...YES, she's felt the victim for a long time. And speaking as a woman who has constantly felt that neglect and pain it goes much deeper than you can possibly imagine.
I'm not trying to feed you a guilt trip here, just trying to help you to understand how she may have felt for a long, long time. There were days that I would cry on my way home from work after I had picked up our S from the sitter...and I just couldn't keep myself from doing it. Why? Because I knew I was going home to someone that basically ignored me and my needs. Who didn't recognize me as a "woman", I was a roommate and a mommy, that was it. I could have done that on my own!! I swear if it weren't for my son there were times I would have gone without smiling for months.
I really feel that my H was playing the victim too in the past. We both work in the Aerospace Industry and he works for a large airline who isn't exactly treating their employees fairly...and hadn't been since we met. I truly believe that he got so wrapped up in all of those problems that he forgot about me.
I remember our First visit to a C was very enlightening to him. Keep in mind I had been trying and trying in every conceivable manner that I could to get these things across to him....but it took a counselor for him to understand. When the C discovered I felt unimportant to me, she asked me to list what I thought his priorities were. I listed off #1 Work, #2 Our Son, #3 Our House/Property, #4 His Truck...then maybe me. I wasn't even in the top 3.
I wonder what your W's response to that same question would be.
Here's something that happened Sat night, which hurt my feelings....but I did something different this time and told him about it. This just goes to prove our communication is getting better...but I'm having to work at that too.
My H likes to blow-off steam and relax with his computer games, fine...I have no problem with it occassionally...but he tends to take it too far and play for hours on end. At one point it really became an issue for me...because he would absolutely tune everything else out around him.
Saturday evening, I put our S to bed at 7:00...had some movies for us to watch and was under the impression that we'd sit down together and watch them, just to spend time together.
He was on his game from 7:00pm until 11:00pm...I spent that entire time by myself watching movies alone. I found myself growing resentful of that...he's rather play his game than spend time with me. And it's not like we get much "alone time".
So...I eventually poked my head in and asked if he was going to play that thing all night long (about the time I was beginning to get peeved at him about it.) Naturally he didn't know what time it was, he'd lost track. So he got off the computer.
Sunday morning after he woke up I asked him if he thought he had spent excessive time on the game the night before, he said no..if he did it regularly that it would be though. I accepted that (don't agree with it, but accepted it), but I explained that his choice of times to play the game hour on end is often the only opportunity we have to spend time together...so I may as well have been alone, and that it made me feel ignored and avoided.
I didn't say any of this with anger, I merely stated it. Gave him verbally the benefit of the doubt that I didn't think he did that on purpose, but that this was how that made me feel...and dropped it at that. No more was said about it.
Fortunately I said something about it, got it out of my system rather than letting it build up. And I believe just that little bit of communication may have led to him initating last night. I don't know, not going to question it...but it's possible.
