Thanks for responding :-) And you're right, it's good to be able to put a face to this and not feel alone...for you, and for me as an HDW.
Here's a question for you. I have told my LDH that I would give anything if he would just initiate every now and then. I know (for myself anyway) that I could be ok the majority of the time initating (because now he doesn't generally turn me down, he's like you and doesn't have a problem once things get going.) So far though, he hasn't fulfilled that request.
It truly would do AMAZING things to help bolster my self esteem if he would do this for me...any thoughts as to why this hasn't happened yet? I mean...if he would simply tell me he wants me or lead me towards the bedroom, start unbuttoning my shirt...something, I'd be happy to take over.
For me (and I bet your W feels this same way) not initating out of laziness is equivalent (to her, not to you) of saying..."you're just not that important...I'd rather sleep, watch tv, play on the computer...etc." Why do you think he still doesn't do this for me...even once?
Oh, and don't worry...I'm very patient with him. This is not going to end my marriage. For me it's either learn to work our way through this, or learn to work past it.
I can tell you though, that we have had improvements in the last year. But (as you yourself said) you are both going to have to learn to communicate better, and talk about the hard stuff. FYI, I'm having to work on this too...it's not easy, but once you get the ball rolling it gets easier.
Oh and here's a suggestion so that she may not think everything you say is "just excuses"...write her a letter. This may initially be easier for you than talking face-to-face. Normally I wouldn't suggest communicating via letters...but pour your heart out, let her know you love her and don't want to lose her...tell her you want to work this out together, ask her what you can do (literally) to help her feel loved & desireable. At least if you write a letter, you can read and re-read it, edit it, and get out what you need to. Whatever you do don't sound attacking, and don't put excuses in it...concentrate on letting her know that you understand how hurt she must feel and that you want to get past this...with her.
