Okay, I'm going to start trying to respond to some of these posts.
Quote: Kudos to you for finally admitting that this is a problem for you...and your W, that's an important step. And it's not too late, if you W is willing to work on this....and even if she's not it still may not be too late for you guys.
It' not just admitting a problem. It's finally having a "face" on it and knowing that it's okay. I'm not the freak that I've always thought I was. I honestly had a huge lump in my throat while reading the first chapter on SSM where Michele broaches the subject of the LDH.
Quote: Here's another question for you. Are you able to get aroused? If so how? Does she have to get the ball rolling, would porn do it for you (although I don't recommend that regularly), sexy lingere? Any of that?
See for me...I get VERY tired, exhausted really, of always having to get things going. Just as some men would I imagine...but problem with me is that (and I know this may sound lame, but it's really not) I wasnt taught to be sexually aggressive...women generally aren't. We're taught that men take the lead in this way...so as a woman who has to always initiate and get shot down contantly you feel unloved/undesireable/ignored/unvalidated/unimportant...you n name it. It's HORRIBLE!!!
I never have a problem getting going once we start. It's just getting started. I stated in my original post...I'm lazy and sleep just always seemed more appealing. Our schedules only allow us to be together at the end of a night...and it's usually late when we get started. I'm the early riser, so, by the time the kids are asleep and we've caught up on the day...I'm exhausted.
I also have a VERY over-active mind that I can't shut-down very easily. I'm finding through T that it has a lot to do with wanting to completely please my wife--along with all the baggage that I have rumbling around in my head. It just made sex too much work. I worry about the "work" of helping my wife get completed--and my pleasure is secondary.
As to the question about her initiating. Like you GEL, she wasn't taught to be very aggressive. She claims she tried in the beginning to do the lingerie, etc. But, I don't really recall. For the most part, she just wanted me to want it and to get it started too. In her defense, I think she got scared of trying to initiate b/c she was afraid of rejection. So, we were just in one of those unwinnable cycles.
As for asking what it would take to make her feel loved and appreciated and sexy, we've never been very good at that type of communication. I KNOW! We need to work on it!! Anyway, we've talked about fantasy...and I know most of hers. I try to accommodate them. Early on I shared a few things I would like...she pretty much shot them down right away...and through the years alluded to them never happening. SO, I gave up trying to share what I wanted with her. I'm not adventurous or demanding.
ANYWAY, I feel like I'm getting off the path and questions here. Let's suffice it to say...neither of us were extremely experienced when we got married. Neither were virgins but we hadn't had much in the partner realm. Being good Catholics, we both have that whole "guilt" thing going on...so seeking help was a big "no-no."
Over the years, she became more frustrated. I became more neurotic and lazy. MB was easier and completely within MY control...and I didn't have to worry about things like, "Am I crushing her? Does my breath stink? Will she get pregnant? etc."
That is why we're where we are today. On the verge of a D because she thinks I don't want or desire her. She wants to find a man who will love her like she deserves to be loved and treated. I'm working to win her back...but it seems all up-hill.
GEL, be patient with your husband. Work hard in therapy and encourage him to be forth-coming. I'm learning a lot about what is at the root of my "problems." I know there are many other guys like us out there...we all need to wake up and appreciate what we have!! Before it's too late.
Feel free to bombard me with all the questions you want! I'll answer them to the best of my ability. I LOVE my wife and want to talk with her about these things. But, everything is now just excuses to her. She claims to have heard it all over the years but I don't think she really listened and I never sought help because let's be honest...what man wants to admit he has THIS kind of problem. Now, I want help and I want to get all the physiological and pschological crap under-control so that I CAN love my wife the way SHE wants to be loved!!
Talk to you soon. Everyone, I'll do my best to get to your posts soon as well!
