Only this time, it's because DD17 is borderline depressed and can't seem to gain any weight.
I've posted before that a year ago, I told my W that I felt I needed to see a counselor about my unhappiness, and that she was free to go or not go with me, but I was going. She was supportive, and even agreed that I should, but made it abundantly clear that SHE had no intention of going.
After one session, my C immediately saw that the R was the main reason for my unhappiness, and recommended that my W have a session and then perhaps we could do one together. I lovingly suggested this to my wife AS A WAY TO HELP ME, but she was still horrified at the thought of going, asking "what did you TELL him about me?" and "what am I supposed to TALK about with him?" and "I don't need to hear someone tell me I'm crazy," etc.
She did agree to go, however, FOR ME.
She never did, and neither of us ever mentioned it again.
Fast forward exactly one year, and DD is having unhappiness problems, and my wife not only agrees that a C is a good idea, but we make the appt. -- and go -- all within two days time (we go in about 3 hours).
She's still panicked, phoning me to "discuss what we're going to say," and wanting to know what I'M going to say, but it's just amazing to me how when our daughter possibly needs some help, she's all over it, but if the MARRIAGE, or her HUSBAND is distraught, then it's not a priority.
btw, this will be the exact same place that I went to C, and my W knows that, so it should be interesting to see if she says anything. Should I say anything?
I would let the counselor lead the way. That way, your wife will not feel blindsided if you use it as an opportunity for some marital counseling.
However, if and when the counselor brings up your relationship with each other I would not sugar coat. Tell her that you've been unhappy for years and your wife has been unresponsive. You have nothing to lose, is my thinking.
Sometimes hearing these things said out loud to a third party has a VERY big impact on the uncooperative spouse. I know that when I talked to our parish priest about our situation, my H shaped up pretty rapidly after that. Not that the changes stuck around permanently, but it did have an immediate effect on him. Sortof like his 'cover' had been blown, is the best way to describe his behavior.
Keep the focus on your daughter (who I hope is going to be ok, btw) and don't shy away from any pointed M questions. That way, you will have accomplished two things--most importantly you attend to your sick child, and secondly you refuse to play your wife's "bury your head in the sand" game.
It sounds like wifey poo has some control issues. I would just calmly respond to her questions with...we'll talk about what the counselor asks us to talk about. I don't know what we'll be asked. Etc I mean that's true isn't it?
Quote: Only this time, it's because DD17 is borderline depressed and can't seem to gain any weight.
She did agree to go, however, FOR ME.
this is good, shows that you do matter to her She never did, and neither of us ever mentioned it again. Was she suppose to make the appointment? Maybe she hoped that by not saying anything she could avoid the actual doing, which while willing sounds pretty scary and hard for her to do. If you never brought it up again, you really can't blame her, maybe she hoped it was no longer necessary, and wasn't about to rock the boat.
Fast forward exactly one year, and DD is having unhappiness problems, and my wife not only agrees that a C is a good idea, but we make the appt. -- and go -- all within two days time (we go in about 3 hours). Good for her She's still panicked, phoning me to "discuss what we're going to say," and wanting to know what I'M going to say, but it's just amazing to me how when our daughter possibly needs some help, she's all over it, but if the MARRIAGE, or her HUSBAND is distraught, then it's not a priority. It's much much easier to do something important for a child than for yourself. This is her "BABY" who is in trouble, and clearly her responsibility. Also depression can be a seriously life threatening disease. Another thing to consider that your wife feels counselling can and will help your daughter, where in contrast she's pretty skeptical that it will help the marraige. Also consider that what she needs to change to help her daughter isn't nearly as paralyzing and scary as what she might discover/find/need to change to help fix the marriage. The mariage pain is in a comfort zone - its the status quo, where as seeing your child sick and in pain (emotional and physical) isn't. Often you can see what someone else needs better than what your own situation needs. Another factor is how much your wife may have wished her mother had picked up and done something to ease her growing pains, and now she's in a situation where she can take action and help, so her dauter won't suffer as she did. Plus resources and meds are much better and more available now than they were when we were growing up.
I don't think you should assume that she cares less because she is able to act in behalf of your daughter and not in behalf of the marriage. I suspect there are simply fewer obsticals, less fear, less inertia, to overcome.
btw, this will be the exact same place that I went to C, and my W knows that, so it should be interesting to see if she says anything. Should I say anything?
Choc.
Good luck with the sessions. At some point you probably should speak up but not right away. I would suspect that some of the tension between you and your wife has impacted your daughter, maybe just slightly - maybe more than you know, possibly in ways she doesn't know. At least it gives you one more valid point to share with your wife. Eliminate marital stress, help your dauter recover better/faster, or at least eliminate it as a possible factor. Good luck
Thank you all, for your responses. We did go to the C last nite, and now the goal is to get our DD17 to go.
To answer your questions, no, it was very clear that the onus was on my W to set her own C appointment last year. She asked me for their name and #, so she could call and do that, and she never did. Shame on me for not calling her on it with a calm "I thought you agreed that this was important to me, but I'm not going to beg you to go. Whether or NOT you go, tho, will have an impact on where I see our marriage going tho."
I WAS proud, however, of how I handled my W's anxiety yesterday. I just said "Look, you and I are going to have different perspectives on what's going on -- we are, after all, two different people. Rather than worry about what I'm going to say, why don't you just say what YOU want to say, and we'll let the C give us her assessment?"
I suppose I was being pouty and petulant yesterday; of COURSE our daughter should be our #1 priority right now, and my W and I can deal with our issues later. The C session went okay, not great. The C is NOT married, has NO children, so we felt like it was probably hard for her to relate to some of our parenting issues with our D17. We did lay out plainly, tho, the issues and symptoms our D was going thru, and the C didn't seem overly concerned, certainly not about depression or eating disorder, so that was comforting.
The more W and I talked yesterday, she made it very clear what her fear was: "I don't need some counselor telling me how nuts I am" and "I have a REAL hard time opening up to someone and pouring out my shortcomings" and "If she starts to give me attitude, she's gonna get it RIGHT back from me!", etc. I think she knows she has issues, they affect her own happiness, our marital happiness & health, and now possibly our kids' emotional health, and she's afraid to hear that from a 3rd party, IMHO.
Quote: Only this time, it's because DD17 is borderline depressed and can't seem to gain any weight.
Quote: We did lay out plainly, tho, the issues and symptoms our D was going thru, and the C didn't seem overly concerned, certainly not about depression or eating disorder, so that was comforting.
Okay, Choc - some advice from me here. Understand that the past year we went through a horrifying bout of anorexia and bulimia with our D14, and I have become a reluctant expert on eating disorders and depression. Also, I am a family physician.
- Let me say first - just because the therapist says she doesn't think there is anything wrong with your daughter doesn't make it true. The therapist hasn't even met her yet, and sad to say, unless you have lucked into one of the few good therapists who are experienced with EDs and actually know what they are doing, their opinion may not be worth squat.
I'm not saying your D has an ED, but kids with EDs are like drug addicts, often able to hide it very well and really sneaky about it, and the longer it goes undetected, the harder it is to fight it.
If you want to send me the details of what you have observed, I would be happy to give you a second opinion - elliestough at hotmail.com - or post it here if you like.
A pervasive but unsubstantiated "myth" about EDs is that they are caused by the parents. Yet the basic research all supports a largely biological cause - twin studies show 50 - 70% of identical twins of anorexics will develop it, while only 5-10% of fraternal twins. So don't fall into the trap of thinking this is all about you. Sure, family stress can be a trigger (one of many) but only the biologically pre-disposed will get the disease.
There are also medical reasons for failure to gain weight - if your D seems to be eating normally, I would be happy to discuss those possibilities with you.
Just don't sweep this under the rug. Sometimes people are so happy to hear what they want to hear from an authority figure that they will ignore the obvious right under their noses.
She's 5'3", and her normal weight is 113. She broke up with her BF around Christmas time, and lost about 10 pounds. What makes us think she's NOT suffering from an eating disorder is that she does NOT think she's fat, she KNOWS she needs to gain weight, and she eats. She's extremely PICKY, but she eats.
She just can't seem to put the weight back on. She seems to be so high-strung that she just burns off the calories.
She wants to gain weight, she doesn't like the way her clothes fit her, but the more she obsesses about the weight or others tell her she's looking skinny, the more upset she gets. So we've tried not to make a big deal out of it while making sure we're putting her favorite foods in front of her.
She has always been a very very very picky girl when it comes to eating. When she was a four or five, she'd eat Pepperidge Farm corn muffins for breakfast... every single day... for like a year. It's all she would eat. Then it was Cinnamon Toast Crunch for about a year. Then Cinnamon Toast Waffles for maybe 9 months. Then blueberry muffins for six months. She's always been this way.
In any event, it's my understanding that anorexics and bulemics both think they're actually fat or overweight; our daughter definitely knows she's too thin.
Any experience or insight you could give, however, would be gratefully received.
