Looking backward...but only to move forward THREE

[sage]

Amy --

But maybe its better that he does mention ff - still its hard to not to think negatively when your trust has been broken. I suppose time and consistant behavior on his part will help with trust issues.

Yes...and in parallel, I want to be working on my consistency and positive behavior. But it is HARD!

I had no problem - before all this - trusting my H with ANY female. Should you go back to that complete trust again ? Or is that what got us into trouble in the first place ?

Well...TBH...I never had complete trust -- in fact, I was very likely the opposite...always ASSuming something untoward or unseemly...if not ongoing, a grave possibility for the future... For better or worse, h has been subjected to my insecurities and mistrust at some level for some period of our m.

I suppose middle ground is the best - not being obsessive about females H associates with - but still let H know that if he starts feeling to close to a female friend - that he can tell us about it without us overreacting - and we can decide the best way to precede from there.

I agree that middle ground is best...and in my sitch I really think a key to this is keeping the lines of communication open. I'm seeing my role in not doing that at times...trying to fix it.

I have a friend who tells her h when she's attracted to someone else and vice versa...not in an in your face kind of way but in a "hey, I have a crush on so and so" .

I'm not sure that would actually translate into open honesty if someone really DID catch her fancy (in a serious way) but to me it's an intriguing concept.

I know for a fact that I shut h down more than once when he tried talking to me about finding someone pretty or attractive. I think I really made him feel that if was attracted to someone else there was something WRONG with him or us. Now I know better...attraction seems pretty normal to me...the key is (certainly) to think to oneself "good thing I've got an even better mate at home!" (well, that and to not play into the whole attraction thing with the op -- maybe taking it home and mentioning it DOES work!)

Sage (blathering!)