Looking backward...but only to move forward THREE

[sage]

Hey Ellie,

Sage -
I think you already know my take on this. In my opinion, it is simply inappropriate for a spouse to have a friendship with a member of the opposite sex that does not include the other spouse. I've finally figured out, this is that old "near occasion of sin" the nuns were always telling us to avoid.

That doesn't mean I don't think my H should have women friends - he's a very friendly guy, and gets along well with women. But now he is very careful to include me in all his friendships - introduces me (in a loving way that makes it clear I am his adored wife), invites me along, refuses things like solo lunch invitations, etc.

No doubt you know that I'm not in favor of the solo friendship either...in this case, I don't think there's any specific effort on h's part to keep ff "solo"...their face to face contact is limited to school stuff and I'm rarely (if ever) there. He had made mention at one time about socializing with ff and her h and he's been very open to discussing her with me...so, I think he's doing his best to include me.

I don't think it is unreasonable, and more importantly, neither does my H. He finally understands the danger inherent in those casual relationships, and goes out of his way to avoid any situation in which that could occur.

So maybe you could just have a discussion with your h, about how you would feel much better about his female friendships if you were included.

I may ask in the near future about getting together with her and I absolutely hear your point but TBH, having that conversation with h would smack of control to him. For better or worse, I need to have the conversation in little doses and combine it liberally with action (positive, that is!) on my part.

TBH, my original post was sort of less about ff and more about how I've been reacting to h. Here's the dynamic I'm trying to change:

1. h mentions ff (any of them!) either with or without mentioning mf's

2. sage's heart clenches, her stomach drops, she revisits days gone by. She gets quiet, and pulls back a bit from h -- physically and emotionally

3. h appears confused and wonders if he shouldn't talk anymore about ffs.

4. Sage realizes that she's reacted in such a way to close off communication and tries to rally.

5. everyone feels bad

I'm not sure if this makes sense. Let me assure you that I am a work in progress, here!

Sage