I'm leaving work early today -- it's opening day for our beloved Red Sox!
Had an excellent weekend. We went to a movie Friday night ("Walk on Water) then out for pizza. Saturday we kicked off hiking season with a nearly 2 hour hike! It was awesome -- totally kicked my butt, though! I can't remember what else we did that day -- I think I reviewed the taxes and some other computer related stuff. Then we went to see another movie "The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill" (I highly recommend!) and out for Indian food.
Sunday we went to the gym, went to breakfast and then ran some errands. I gardened while h did some homework and then relaxed. I got a lot done but have so much more to do! Ah, well, babysteps!
We had a relaxing night...watched the tail end of the Masters, hung around a bit, grabbed a quick bite. h made an absolutely delightful toast to me that covered the gamut of compliments!
All good stuff.
Now...I have an opportunity to do "something different" in regards to a current thingy (I'm hesistant to call it "an issue") in my M...I know I've mentioned that h has FFs at school...one of them seems to be more consistently mentioned than the others. I'd be lying if I said that I haven't struggled with that of late...my heart gives a little involuntary clenching when he mentions her and I've seen myself lapse into some "same old" behaviors of late...(feeling really insecure, wanting to pry, playing out old tapes in my head, etc).
To be clear...I'M NOT suggesting that there's anything going on -- not at ALL. I'm just having a hard time with feelings of jealousy and insecurity and for the last couple of weeks I've been mentally pretty irked -- a la "WHY does he have to develop these friendships" and "WHY can't he see how detrimental this is to US", etc. Lots of self-righteous thinking.
I've really been struggling inside trying to deal...thinking "should I bring this up" (well, that tends to lead to "you don't trust me" responses), should I just sit and stew (which tends to lead to resentment on my part!). I think the best approach is to really learn how to deal...to use this as a springboard for addressing my jealousy and my desire for control and my insecurity. I can't keep focusing on stuff that I can't control and I can't keep conveying to h that I'm insecure and untrusting. The last couple of weeks have been so hard...I feel myself getting clingy and all that. I don't like it. And I don't think it gets me what I want -- honesty and openness from h.
To h's credit (!!! ) HE has been doing "something different" in regards to this...he's been mentioning her (very openly! very upfront) and doing great holding onto himself regardless of how I react (hooray for his trust in me!) AND he's also been very careful to reassure me pretty quickly afterwards -- not reassurance like "you have nothing to worry about in re. to FF" but reassurance in regards to directly telling me how much he loves me, etc. It's like he senses my insecurity and is trying to combat it. Also, he's been pretty open about emailing in front of me and telling me about it (that was the issue Sat. he prepped his next semester schedule and then I noted that he was emailing it to her...but he mentioned it to me later.) He continues to be really loving and earnest and totally romantic. Quite wonderful.
Anyway, again, I'm not saying there's anything untoward going on...it's more about him having a FF and my freaked out response to that.
Here's my cainercast for the day:
Quote: "To err is human. To forgive is divine." Note, please, that nowhere in this old saying is there any mention of the need to forget. Most people achieve the ability to offer forgiveness by wiping their memories clean. They decide not to dwell on the behaviour that has upset them, lest it prevents them from being tolerant. You must not forget a past experience. At the same, though, you have to find a way to move on from it and let it go.
I like it...sounds appropriate!
I'm not exactly sure what my "goals" and "actions" will be. To be continued! Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
