Maybe a question to ask, is: Are you willing to work to become sexually attracted to me? Do you wish you wanted to be attracted to me? Are you open to the Idea and possibility of becomeing sexually attracted to me? Is she able to achieve desire on her own?
There are some subtle nuances to these questions. You aren't asking her to become such or even want to, but the idea of wishing you wanted to want to, is BIG.
Unfortunately I've had lots of experience with not desiring my most wonderful man. However, these truths have sustained me. 1. At one point I physically desired him with intensity and frequency. 2. The desire stopped, then eventuallly restarted. So I KNOW and have faith that recapturing desire is possible. 3. When my Sex drive is low, it's rediculously easy to not notice small inklings of potential desire. So I must pay close attention and be open to the possibility. I've made the commitment to act on even the tinyest flickers of desire and even my desire to want to feel desire.
4. Fake it till I make it works, not always, but even if it works ONE time it's worth it. No faking the orgasm, but act as if I felt desire, do the actions that I do when I feel desire, think the thoughts. Any attempt IS SUCCESS and good. No blame pressure or hard feelings if nothing physical happens. (this part took a while to master emotionally not blaming me or getting upset with my body not working right)Any sparks and sizzles are to be celebrated with joy.
Right now it is a lot of effort and mental gymnastics (as some one else put it) to get interested. It's exahusting at times and I really Don't want to or am completely indifferent to sex.
Every once in a while I am pleasently surprised. The other morning H came into the room to get dressed after his shower. I motioned him over because I felt like fondling his penis. I had absolutely NO desire for sex but I was happy, then the idea of sex crossed my mind and didn't get rejected. I thought, sex will work, he can get some, I can make him happy, and I'm just fine with my body not responding. So I told him, lets do it. He was happy to cooperate and my body supprised me with a lovely intense fairly fast orgasm. weird, very weird then afterwards I had that don't want to let him go feelings that I haven't had in ages, not physical desire, but a very strong emotional connection.
Things that made the encounter work, me happy, no pressure feelings or guilt feelings from him or from me. No expectations. I knew he'd be fine if things went no further than the fondle. Lots and lots of affection and love feelings.
He said it was worth being late to work for
Lucky for him my primary love language is touch. Morninglory
