Do I want to know?

[heatherg]

Hey Jabez, sounds like things are heating up with the custody issue. And your views on custody sound very similar to mine and H's. H kept telling me that the best thing for the kids was to remain a family even if it meant we would never have a M. Of course this was post-affair. Your comments that the best thing for the girls would be a happy family and then you following that up with "BTW, I don't want you back" reminded me of what my H said to me. Words like that really put you in a no-win situation.

It doesn't seem like an every other day custody arrangement would be beneficial for any of you. It doesn't provide much of a family environment. It is a constant disruption and would make things very chaotic for the girls as they would have to constantly remember to take things back and forth, etc. It's too much in my opinion. It seems every other week would work best and for some people (me!) a week is too long to go without seeing my kids, so maybe a night spent with the other parent on their 'off week' would be helpful.
I agree that asking the girls what they want is too much. It *is* putting them in the middle. Imagine loving two people more than anything in the world and being forced to say something that could potentially hurt one of them very much. Please don't do that to them. Just take comfort that you reap what you sow and if you have a good R with your girls, the time will come where you will be fully rewarded for that. Custody is a *very* important battle, but try to keep in mind that the overall war is to raise well rounded children who feel happy, secure and loved. They will repay you a million times over in the course of their lives.
I have read that although divorce is rarly *good* for kids, it doesn't have to be as harmful as sources report as long as the parents are willing to work together to co-parent and are successful at not dragging the children into the middle. In cases like yours where there are affairs and third parties involved, it is easy to get caught up in the injustice of it all and say to yourself, if she wanted to be with her kids, she shouldn't have had an affair. Afterall, it isn't fair to you or the girls to have to be separated just b/c she decided to walk out right? Be careful of that line of thinking because it is a preface to justify actions that may not be in the best interest of your girls.
I wish you all be the best Jabez, I really do!!