Do I want to know?

[heatherg]

Do you want H to share his feelings w/you?

If they are genuine, yes. H says all of these things that I feel are revenge are in fact his feelings. This is how he FEELS he says. But in that case, no then, I really don't want to hear about it. A man who hits his wife can claim that that was how he "felt" at the time. When I kissed OM, I could claim that that was what I was "feeling" at the time. Just because you are "feeling" a certain way doesn't make the actions justified or mean that it's a responsible way to behave.
So to a certain extent, yes, I want to know the pain I've caused. But only if he's going to talk about it in a constructive manner, like where we can go from here and what I can do to make things better. Does that make sense?

Later she cited apathy in our marriage

I can relate to that. That's why I've had such a hard time with terms like detaching and going dark because, for me, those terms have negative connotations.

The message seems to be its over b/c WAW said so and everyone else just has to accept it.

Has your W historically been the type to bottle her true feelings so as not to cause a rift? Is it possible she is trying to reclaim some control in her life that she perceives she lost?

she said that she is rude to me so that I don't get any false impression that she is coming back.

Just keep being nice. Kill her with kindness. Even if it doesn't save your M, someday she will look back on this and have a deep respect for how you handled it.

I think that if I mention forgiveness she will reply that I have a self-rightous attitude

Yes, I think you'd have to tread very carefully using the term forgiveness. You've said you judged her in the past and that could make forgiveness seem very self righteous. That doesn't mean you couldn't bring it up, but you'd have to think long and hard about your choice of words, what your goal would be in discussing it, etc.
I'll keep checking in on you!!

Heather